I saw the above blog post and wanted to write a response. Or maybe a similar blog.
Most people know my story, but I'll do a quick recap, just in case. My husband and I got married 8 years ago. We were 23 and 22, respectively. At that point, we were no where near ready to start a family. We were both still students, living in one of the most expensive areas of the country, and both working part time.
After a year of marriage, we moved to Utah, so my husband could pursue his Master's degree. While living there, we could have afforded kids, even with him still being in school. But we weren't ready yet. After that, my husband enrolled in law school in San Francisco. We moved back to one of the most expensive parts of the country. My husband commuted 2+ hours every day. We lived on my income and his student loans. And even with reduced rent (living in a house owned by his parents) we were barely scrapping by. (Note, we didn't have a lot of luxuries, no cable, slower internet, no smart phones etc).
In the middle of his 2nd year of law school, we decided it would be a good time to start trying to have a baby. We figured that by the time I got pregnant, and then gave birth he'd be just about done with school.
Then Crohns happened. I was diagnosed after a major flare up that caused me to loose 20+ lbs in 3 months. At this time we were told to stop trying until the Crohns was under control.
A lot of time passed, with no Crohns remission. At that point we started looking into adoption. We had both always wanted to adopt, but that process was much more daunting than we'd ever imagined. LDS Family Services was more expensive, and less responsive than I'd anticipated. Regular private adoption was MUCH more expensive than either of us thought ($15,000 on the low end). So we put all baby plans on hold. At this point we both had good jobs, and were living comfortably. But we couldn't afford $15k, especially since it is all due up front.
Towards the end of 2012 (we'd been married 7.5 years at this point), I got the "Okay" to start trying again. We were/are in a bit of a hurry to get me pregnant. Who knows how long my Crohns will be under control? It's been about 9 months at this point.
So now to my thoughts on the article:
It's really nice to know there are others in the same boat. I'm hoping some people from "the other side" read it as well. Aka, the breeders, the people who never had any problems getting pregnant, and were able to have as many kids as they saw fit. Because the people who have been in my shoes, the author's shoes, many of my friend's shoes, know better than to ask the stupid questions, or say idiotic things.
Here are some of my "favourites" from over the years (these are all things I heard either at church, or from LDS members):
- Multiple testimonies from pregnant women (or new moms) about how grateful they were that God trusted them enough to bless them with children
- From the pulpit that God doesn't give kids to people who aren't ready (which explains all the teen moms, right?)
- From two different people that said we lacked faith by not trying to start a family from day one
- In a Sunday School lesson that a woman doesn't know true love until a newborn baby is placed on her belly.
- That a family without kids is incomplete
- That a woman can't fulfill her eternal calling without having kids.
And of course the usual when are you going to have kids? and what are you waiting for?
When we were ready, but not able, I did something that I guess is unheard of. I came out. I teach in Relief Society (ladies' sunday school) once a month. And I took the opportunity to tell everyone that we wanted kids, but weren't able to make them. We would love to adopt, but couldn't afford it. I'm generally an open person, I don't have secrets. So it wasn't a big deal for me to "come out." The main reason I did that was for self preservation. I didn't want to hear the question anymore. I didn't want to have to explain my pain on a weekly basis. After coming out, I got a lot of comments about how brave I was, how other people couldn't do that. I got several personal stories sent to my facebook inbox. And suddenly I was less alone. No one wants to talk about it, but once someone mentions it, everyone feels safe to talk.
I had people who were more sensitive to what they said. I had people asking if there was anything I needed (I always said, "be on the lookout for knock up teens whose baby needs a good home").
That's all I can think of on this now.
