Mental Health

I've been thinking about this a lot lately, especially with two celebrity suicides this week (Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain).

In the spirit of transparency and the hope of people being more open in the future, here are my experiences.  (Though, I've always been fairly open about all my health stuff, mental included).

I have had anxiety for as long as I can remember.  Actually, that's not quite true.  I think it started around age six, when my sister was born. I'm not sure if it was a coincidence.  Once my sister was born, I had constant worry at night.  I would often check on her to make sure she was breathing.  I would have dreams about bad things happening, and being somehow responsible.  Around this point, I also developed some OCD tendencies.  I would check the doors to make sure they were locked (more than once, even though I'd checked them).  I would go around and unplug things, as I was worried about fire (any lamps I could reach, always the toaster, anything else around). 

At some point, this anxiety lessened.

I think depression started in middle school.  Partly because middle school was awful.  I was not a cute tween, and kids that age are so mean.  Plus, working through relationships at home was hard.  It is hard to be the middle kid.  Plus since my older sister is on the spectrum, I often played the role of oldest as well.  (And my main method of getting attention was causing trouble).  I always felt like I was getting the short straw: Jessica had privilege due to her disability (God, it feels so petty to type that, but as a kid, I couldn't see around that).  And my little sister had privilege because she was the youngest.  I had a couple meetings with a therapist, but it wasn't helpful.

In high school, things improved some.  I fell in with a closer group of friends.  People were much less mean, and I enjoyed school most of the time.  I got a boyfriend which helped with my confidence some (since I never really found myself attractive).  The depression was still there, but it was pretty far in the background.

Then came 2001, the beginning of the hardest period in my life.  It was the year my parents got divorced, I started college and Aaron left on his mission.  All of a sudden the people who loved me the most were all very far away.  And college wasn't what I thought it would be.  High school was easy for me, I put in minimal effort and got all As and Bs.  College was really different, I had to study for my classes, which I didn't really know how to do.  Plus, I didn't have friends in my classes like high school.  That first semester I got mostly Cs and a couple Bs.  Besides that, I had no clue what I wanted to do/major in, so I (in reality) wasted a lot of time.  Anyway, sometime in college, I tried anti-depressants for the first time: Lexapro.  Lexapro was the worst, I felt like I was in a fog all day, and didn't take them for long.  I just managed on my own, just being sad most of the time.

Since then, things have ebbed and flowed.  There was only one period where I felt as low as I did back then.  And it was at that point I started a regiment of anti-depressants.  When I was diagnosed with Crohns, it became a real possibility that I might not be able to get pregnant, because the medications I was on where not conducive to growing a fetus, and because I was not health enough in general to be pregnant.  I started seeing my current psychiatrist, and I did a few different group programs.  I finally found a medication that worked for me.  We have changed it a couple times over the years, but in general, I've felt well.

My anxiety kind of hangs out in the background.  It seems like it's mostly social anxiety.  It's annoying, because it's lonely.  I feel awkward, and I don't easily make friends.  Plus when I'm invited to things, it's really hard to go.  It sounds odd, unless you've experienced it (which I guess is true of many things).

I've never actively thought about suicide.  But, it crossed my mind passively, which doesn't make sense, unless you've gone through it.  It's kind of like just not wanting to exist anymore.  I heard an interview on Fresh Air five-ish years ago with Allie Brosh (the author of Hyperbole and a Half).  I was listening to it, while on a lunchtime walk, and what she said so resonated with me that I started crying (as I walked).  She put into words my jumbled thoughts of the past few years.  And while I knew other people were depressed, it made me realize there were people like me. 

Which brings be back to the reason for this post.  Mental health is really just health.  But it's not viewed that way.  It's secret, or shameful, or private, something.  In the grand scheme of things, my experience with depression and anxiety is fairly minor or maybe moderate at times.  But I am one of many.  And while things can feel so crushing at times (or for periods), they do get better.  But don't be afraid to speak up.  Ask for help.  It's a little less crushing to speak about it.

The week past

On Monday the kids and I went to Santa Cruz with my dad.  We walked on West Cliff Drive, and then went to Cowell's beach, just for a few minutes.  I didn't bring sunblock, for whatever reason.  I was worried about the kids getting sunburned, and I knew I was sunburned.  Bertram loves the beach, even though our beaches are so cold (the water is usually in the low 60's).  Bronwyn liked sitting in the sand, and eating it (weirdo).  I got a pretty bad sunburn, but the kids were unscathed.

Wednesday was my birthday.  I'm 35.  I feel very old.  In my head I'm still in my mid-20s.  I thought it would be fun to take the kids to the aquarium (as Aaron was working, and it seemed better than hanging out at home).  We went to my dad's house (we always drive his Prius on our day trips, even though it's annoying to move the car seats back and forth).  I moved the seats and then realized I left my aquarium tickets at home. (My dad has a membership.  I hold on to the two guest passes, and Bertram has his own pass). So we all rode to my house and got the tickets. On the way there, my dad's security camera sent him an alert.  He has a packaged dropped off right after we left.  So we drove back over there so he could bring it in.  (He lives 5 or 6 miles away).  So after all the back and forth we finally got on the road.  We all had a good time.  Bertram is getting interested in the exhibits, which is fun.  Plus, since we go there every month or two he has some familiarity.  Bronwyn was interested too, which was fun.  A couple times I put her up against the glass, but it made her nervous.  Bertram was disappointed we left before seeing everything we wanted to see, but since we left so late, we ran out of time. 
When we came home, Aaron, the kids, and I went to Red Lobster for dinner. Bertram's behaviour was so-so.  Bronwyn (surprisingly) didn't like crab. 
Aaron bought an ice cream cake (which we didn't end up eating til the next day).  I opened my gifts and got a lot of nice things.  My mom sent a box with 35 things in it. 

We didn't do much the rest of the week.  I've been really tired lately, even with (seemingly) adequate sleep.  I exercised Monday and Tuesday, but haven't done anything since.  Bertram and I tried to work on a papier mache project today (planets, of course).  It turns out, he is too young for papier mache.  I did all the work, but we're only about halfway done.

No new teeth for Brony yet. I found out that the likes her baby swing, which is kind of fun.

We're still going back and forth about having a third kid.  But I'm feeling a little more urgency, now that I'm 35.  There are a lot of cons.  But really I suppose, really there are mostly cons when thinking about having a kid in general (added expense, difficult pregnancy, potential issues with baby, how it would affect the other kids etc).

June

My second try at the root canal went much better.  Whatever that numbing stuff was worked well.  I go back in a few weeks to do step two (hopefully finish it before the crown gets put on).

Bronwyn is pulling up and cruising on all the furniture.  She likes to walk holding onto our hands.  She says "more", "dada" and "mama".  She has finally started crawling normally most of the time (instead of the army crawl).

The kids have been a little rough on me lately.  Bronwyn has been extra grumpy, which I think (hope) has to do with teething.  She has not wanted to nap, and sleeping at night has been a little rough too.  I'm not sure what is going on with Bertram, but he gets into these meltdowns.  I tell him to clean up and he can't do it.  It's just impossible.  He'll scream "I can't do it". So I'll send him to his room for quiet time.  Sometimes he'll calm down, sometimes he won't.  I've been trying to help him add words to his emotions, so I can help him.  But thus far, it's not helping.  Today they were both at their worst at the same time.  He's been doing a lot of back talk too.  I take away privileges (tablet and tv) or use time outs or quiet time.  Maybe it's normal for 4 year olds.  But I guess we'll just muddle through.

Brianon mentioned the loneliness of being a stay at home mom in her blog.  It's been on my mind lately.  It's a tough dichotomy for me.  Because social anxiety makes me want to be on my own a lot, but I also want to have some friends.  I feel like I don't really have any close (local) friends anymore.  Maybe that's typical of SAHMs?  I don't think my mom had a lot of close friends when we were young.  I'd like to go to the park group with the other SAHMs from church, but Bronwyn is always napping when they meet.  Maybe it's another thing that just needs to be muddled through?  How does one make friends as an adult?

Church is kind of tough too.  I don't feel like I belong there.  Like I'm not good enough, or the same enough.  Plus, I've lost my testimony, pretty much entirely.  And the more I try to work on it (doing all the textbook things: reading scriptures, studying, praying etc), the further away I feel.  Maybe it's not where I'm supposed to be.  Is there a time when you throw in the towel?  I guess it doesn't matter too much, I'll still be doing the same things. 

Well, this has been a kind of depressing post.  I guess I've been a little down lately.