A pile of neuroses

I have come to realized that my baseline is a constant state of worry.  Since having Bronwyn my anxieties have gotten worse.

I get stuck in these loops are terrible things that happen to children; the real life monsters lurking in the shadows.  I worry there will be a fire, and I won't be able to get to them.  And it's weird stuff that sets this off, putting Bertie's underwear away, seeing a picture of a smiling child.  And the less weird things that set it off, terrible stories, events, accidents.

Then there are the "normal" worries:

• Am I giving Bertram enough attention since baby came along?
• Is the baby getting enough interactive time with me?
• Do I hover too much in an effort to keep them safe?
• Am I doing enough with Bertram, intellectually?  I can't get him to write letters or draw, he only wants to draw "marble mazes," which are scribbles.
• Will I ever lose the baby weight (or even some of it)?
• Will I ever feel like having sex again?
• Why can't I make myself exercise?
• Why does Bertram wake up in the middle of the night (almost every night)?
• Will we ever be able to have a decent amount in our savings account?
• How can I make friends?
• Why does everyone else seem like they're having so much fun?
• Will I ever feel successful?
• Am I taking the time to do self care? (no.) How can I make time?
• Will I stopped feeling gypped by my experience with Bronwyn's birth?
• Will the house ever look un-exploded?
• Why doesn't Bronwyn poop very often?
• Why is my comfort zone so uncomfortable?
• How much of this can be attributed to PPD?  How much is just me?
• Does anyone ever feel "good enough"?  If so, how?

Then there is envy.  I was thinking about an acquaintance from church, and how seemingly perfect things are for her. She and her husband own a beautiful house, their kids are well behaved, and speak two languages.  They can jet off for international travel without much saving.  The kids are in various private lessons.  She's beautiful, thin, and is always well dressed (even in yoga pants and a t-shirt. (How do people do that?) And I felt so jealous.  Then I felt like a shitty person for feeling jealous.  No one should begrudge anyone else's happiness.  Plus, I, of course, don't know what is going on inside her head.

Anyway, I just wanted to get it all out, in hopes I would feel a little better. But I don't.  I need to email my shrink.

(PS- Don't get too worried.  I'm not suicidal, or anything.  Just sad, and anxious).

Bertram interview (42.5 months)

1. What is something mommy always says to you? Blah

2. What makes you happy? Daddy

3. What makes you sad? When you walk past me

4. What makes you laugh? Tee-tee.  All the things you just said (tv? Books? Daddy?)

5. How old are you? Three and a half

6. How old is Mommy? 9

7. How old is Daddy? 3

8. What is your favorite thing to do? Laugh! Haha!

9. Who is your best friend? Kaylee! (his cousin)

10. What do you want to be when you grow up? A person, or something.  I don’t know.

11. What are you really good at? (Shows me he can open the fridge and freezer)

12. What are you not very good at? Dancing, 'cause I keep falling down

13. What did you do today? Hurt myself. Walked funny.

14. What is your favorite food? Macaroni and spaghetti!

15. What is your favorite song? ABC and 123 and the itsy bitsy spider

16. What do you want for your birthday this year? Get lots of presents. And I’ll open them all up.  And I’ll need Kaylee’s help.

17. What is your favorite animal? Penguin!

 18. What is love? Kiss!

19. What does daddy do for work? He goes to work, to work.

20. Where do you live? (says address correctly) Sacramento California (We don't live in Sacramento)

21. Where is your favorite place to go? My swimming lessons, when my teacher wasn’t there

Another Catch-up

I really should remember to blog more often. Time just gets away, I guess.

My tooth is completely done.  I got my real crown a couple weeks ago.  The EoB came in the mail today.  It looks like it's going to cost a lot less than was estimated, but I'm waiting for a call back from their office.

After waffling for a while, I finally got our tickets to go to Virginia.  There is a new thing called Basic Economy (aka garbage flying).  You pay $400 for a ticket, but you can't have a carry on and you can't choose your seat.  I accidentally bought these tickets to start with.  I'm not sure why they would let someone flying with a 3 year old book those to begin with, as it specifically says families won't be seated together.  It seems like the the top 4 airlines reporting billions in profits, one wouldn't have to pay $400+ and then another $25 for the suitcases to fly too.  Grumble.  Anyway, that got sorted out, but airlines are lame.

Bronwyn is getting better at sleeping.  Not great, but improved.  Most nights she starts out in her own bed.  But usually after a night feeding, I'm too tired to put her back. 

The elimination diet seems to be going well.  So far I've added wheat and dairy back.  She had no issues with dairy, wheat is still questionable.  I added wheat in about 5 days ago.  Her tummy hasn't been more upset, but she seems more grumpy than usual.

Bertram has been acting out more.  I'm going to look into a class through Kaiser to see if we can get some ideas.  Nothing seems to work.

Bertie had a dentist appointment today (his second ever).  He did really well at his first one, but today wasn't great.  He wouldn't let them do much of anything.  But his teeth look fine, and his 3 year molars came in at some point in the last 6 months.  Who knew? 
Bertram also went fishing for the first time today.  He went with his dad and papa.  They didn't catch any fish, but he seemed to have fun, and also enjoyed throwing rocks.

There are a bunch of fires 80 miles north of us, but the air here is terrible.  I wanted to take the kids for a walk, but I didn't want them in the crummy air any longer than necessary.  Maybe tomorrow will be better. 

Here are pictures from the last month:

Bronwyn's first ER visit.  She was fine, but she had a high fever (which disappeared when we arrived)

 

We went to Happy Hallow one day.  They both had fun.

Bertie helping with Bronwyn's 2 month pictures

Grumpy girl

Despite being difficult, he is also incredibly sweet.

He got a haircut

Brony got this cute outfit.

Bertram's Halloween costume, that he changed his mind about as soon as it arrived. (He's not getting a different costume)

We officially have a thumbsucker.