The dawn

I think the Cymbalta is starting to work.  Just in the last 3 or 4 days, it feels like the darkness is lift.  When I have a moment to myself, I don't automatically feel sad.  Some joy is sneaking in.  I do have a couple annoying side effects.  Dry mouth, I'm thirsty all the time.  And sweating, which is worse.  I'll be out doing things, and just be dripping in sweat, for no reason.  

I took the kids (mostly just Bertram) bowling on Monday.  It wasn't super warm inside, and I wasn't working hard, but I was embarrassing sweaty.  Aside from that it was pretty fun.  I paid for 90 minutes.  It was $5.50 per game (per person) or $9.95 for 90 minutes (per person).  I figured the timed rate would be better, that way, if he wanted to keep bowling after two games we could.  (Last time we went bowling, which was at least 9 months ago, we did two games, and he wanted to keep playing).  He did pretty well, and we had fun.  Bronwyn sat patiently, for most of the time.  

For the last week, we've had a lot of rain.  We need it, but I don't really like it, it makes us a little cooped up.Yesterday, there was only a 20% chance of rain, and it was sunny.  So we all walked to the donut shop (about a mile away).  Except it started raining about halfway there.  The kids were in the stroller, so they stayed fairly dry.  Aaron and I were fairly wet.

Bronwyn has slept well a couple nights, like 8 or 9 hours straight.  Then last night, she didn't want to sleep at all.  She has mastered sitting.  And she has started army crawling.  She has been trying new foods.  I haven't been following the way your supposed to do it.  She's been getting table food, and various baby food.  She's liked most things.  Plain yogurt, waffles, eggs, bread, chicken.  She is not a huge fan of baby food peas, but likes cooked peas (like really soft, from a soup).  

Another month later

So after a short stay with Effexor, I've moved onto Cymbalta.  It's only been a week or so. 

I'm getting really tired of depression.  It's really annoying to be at the mall, or reading to the kids, or driving and suddenly feel like breaking down.  Doing something fun, and wanting to break.  Then, when you are alone and can cry, nothing happens.  It's like my emotions are completely broken.  And my sex drive is completely gone.  Poor Aaron.  It's just kind of shitty all around.

My mom was out here for 3 weeks for Bertie's birthday.  It was so nice having her here, and it went way too fast.  Both kids loved having her here.  I'm not sure that Bertram ever stopped talking.  And Bron is just the most smiling, happiest kid around. 

We had Bertie's 4th birthday.  Just family, like always (or at least another year).  He wanted a PJ Masks party.  So we found decorations and balloons and all the usual things.  I made two cakes.  He originally told me he wanted a chocolate and strawberry cake.  I made one with chocolate frosting, and then he told me he wanted vanilla frosting.  So I made a second cake (which is just as well, since one probably wouldn't have been enough).  They both turned out well.  We had fruit, veggies and pizza.  Then he wanted to open gifts.  He got a lot of space stuff, books, and puzzles.  He was a happy guy.  We sang and all had cake.  The kids were playing with the star-shaped confetti, which I told them not to do while they ate.  I think Bertram must have set his fork down on one, because he started crying and gagging.  (God, it was so scary, I'm still upset over it).  I ran over and looked in his mouth, I couldn't see it.  He kept saying that it hurt, and would gag again.  I tried finger-sweeping him, with no success.  I called my mom to help.  She wasn't panicked like I was.  He gagged a few more times and out it came.  He gagged a little more and then cried and cried.  I held him and cried too.  I kept thinking, why did I put that stupid confetti there?  He got over it a lot quicker than I did.  (Since I'm still not).  But it didn't ruin his day, which is good.

He had his well check.  He is just about 50th% for height and weight.  He's still not jumping or peddling, so we're starting PT tomorrow.  And he sees the ophthalmologist on Monday to determine if he's colour blind.  I told him he wasn't getting any shots, because he was concerned.  The problem was, I didn't know he was getting boosters.  He was sad, and cried.  And I did my best not to cry, because, my emotions are out of whack. 

Anyway, on top of all the depression stuff, the kids are my sunshine.  I just think about how lucky I am to be their mom.