Cancer

 I feel like I've been waiting for this shoe to drop for a long time.  I assumed it would have happened long before now, but here we are.

My mom has breast cancer.

We've known for about a week.  It's stage 1a, which I guess is like just a little cancer.  She had her MRI yesterday, and meets with the surgeon on Friday, which is when there will be more information.  That's all the information I have right now.

When I was 12 my mom had a cancer scare.  But after a biopsy, it was found to be not cancer.  I can't remember what it was, something benign

I feel like this has been kind of crushing my life for the last week.  I was kind of falling back into depression before, but now I feel like I'm embracing it.  Like that old friend that you know is bad for you.  But you hang out with them anyway.  Or like a cocoon, the protection of depression.  It's hard to explain, unless you've been depressed, I guess.  

Everything in my life is cancer and depression tinted.  This is a funny show. My mom has cancer. Man, the kids are so cute.  My mom has cancer.  

Since everything is cancer coloured, I've been leaning into the depression, hard core.  Not doing much of my work at home, skipping the gym or when I actually do get to the gym, just having terrible workouts, avoiding things I like, not sleeping well, sleeping too much.  And eating, of course. I wish I was one of those people that have no appetite when I was depressed, but no, I eat for comfort, not that it actually helps.  

 Bertram has been doing better at school lately.  We had a mini IEP meeting on Wednesday that went pretty well.  On Wednesday, he got his Invisalign.  They were supposed to glue on little anchors, but Bert wouldn't let them.  The orthodontist said we could try them without and see how he does.  He didn't want to keep them in his mouth.  I was feeling worried.  But Thursday we practiced wearing it after school.  Today he wore the top and bottom after school without issue.  (He was playing with them a lot the first couple days).  Tonight, he agreed to sleep with the top one in.  Which is a big change, since he was concerned about swallowing it.  We're going back next Wednesday to follow up.  Bertie has said he's ready to switch to the next trays, but I'm going to wait til the next appointment.  I feel like, in general, Bert's attitude has been improving.  He is just fun to be around.  We did an ADHD assessment ad we're waiting to hear back about that.  We're also meeting with the district psychologist to see if there might be a program that would be a better fit, as being in a class with 27 kids is a lot.  So a lot is in the works.

Bronwyn has been doing well too.  She has been doing food practice in ABA.  Before that she would mainly eat Ensure and squeeze applesauce, and sprinkle in French fries, pretzels, crackers, cookies, ice cream and sometimes pancakes.  That was about it.  The first few times of food practice were awful.  She pretty much cried for 30+ minutes straight and not try anything.  Or we'd sort of pin her down and pop something in her mouth.  It was hard to be part of and hard to listen to.  But like potty training, it's like something just clicked.  The first few times she tried anything, she'd gag.  But it got better.  This week she's tried: peanut butter, strawberries, chicken, turkey, pineapple, apple, sauced pasta, tomato, banana, refried beans, buttered bread, pear, chocolate cake, yogurt, cheese, edamame, carrots, peas, chicken nuggets, and probably some things I'm forgetting.  The peas and carrots were the only things she didn't like, she cleaned her plate every time.  We've been letting her watch YouTube only at meal time.  And as long as she is taking bites she can keep watching. Hopefully, we'll be able to wean the videos away in the future.  But she actually sat at the table and ate dinner with us tonight (with the videos), and I can't remember the last time that happened.  Also, she had been very adamant that he didn't want me to give her bangs.  But I really hated the hair being in her eyes all the time.  This morning, she finally let me cut her hair.  I did it really quick, but it actually turned out really well.

I've still been tired all the time, but I've been getting some things done.  I've mostly stayed on top of cleaning.  And I got a couple paint by numbers to do.  That's been really enjoyable.  I finished a flamingo one, and I'm working on a big Pokemon one (Eevee and Pikachu) for Bert.  I got a book on how to crochet from the library, so hopefully I'll be able to figure that out.  Last library visit, I grabbed four books, and I didn't like any of them.  It was disappointing.  Like, I wonder if my attention span isn't long enough for books anymore.  My yardwork is pretty much done.  I've been listening to a lot of podcasts.  Depression is still looming, but I've been staying ahead of it pretty well.  I took a break from social media.  I got tired of seeing stupid and upsetting opinions.  I don't know how to separate my emotions from stuff like that.  I started noom at the beginning of the year.  I've lost 8 lbs, but completely stalled.  I'm still trying, so hopefully my body will catch on a t some point.

Aaron and I did an adult thing and bought new couches.  The couches we had were Aaron's cousin's cast offs.  They were lumpy and sinky, and I got tired of it.  I started out looking at Ikea.  But we were looking for a sofa-loveseat set, and Ikea didn't really have anything like that.  I looked around online a little.  We'd looked at Living Spaces previously, but didn't find anything that spoke to us.  The other thing if we have very specific dimensions that the couches need to fit in our tiny living room.  I settled on Ashley Homestore, because they had a lot online.  Last week we went, and spend an hour trying and retrying couches.  We found a set we liked and the sofa has a bed in it, which is good to have.  We spent a little more than I wanted (around $2000), but we figured we'll have them a long time, and since we actually found something we like, that fits our room.  It was supposed to be 4-6 weeks for delivery, but both pieces were delivered today. 

Day 135

We moved into the next phase of reopening for a whopping 2 days before everything closed again.  Not sure why the powers that be thought reopening as the numbers rose would be a good idea.  So things are continuing in the same direction.  Numbers keep going up.

School is going to be completely online through (at least) 2 August.  They are expected to be available/on the computer (?) from 8-2.  I was hoping it would be a little more open form like the end of last year.  I'm not sure how it will go, I guess it's supposed to be a mix of online class, individual teacher time, and possibly small groups (online).  (Though there has been some talk about doing small pods in addition to this, but we'll see how it all shakes out).  So, due to this new schedule we needed to change Bertram's time and day for speech.  And his time for ABA will change, and he will likely have to get a new tech, which sucks.  But to keep the same one we'd have to do 5:30-8:30, which is too late (as bedtime is 8).  But maybe the school schedule won't be so rigid, but it's all in flux.  We don't have his class assignment yet, and thus haven't heard from the teacher about her plan.  It's all stressing me out.  And I know this is going to be difficult for Bertram too. 

I stopped taking Remeron. It wasn't helping, and it made me hungry all the time.  I will be trying BuSpar. We'll see how that goes.  I kind of feel like I want to switch the Wellbutrin+Zoloft combo, but the shrink seems to be hesitant to do that.  I feel like I'm in a bad head space.  Like having a base level of anxiety all the time.  Plus, I feel like I'm failing at everything.  And I'm just on edge all the time. 

We adopted two kittens that we abandoned, and malnourished.  (Aaron's cousin's neighbour found them under her deck).  Originally I just wanted the girl, since we've had issues with boy cats spraying.  But they were bonded, so we took them both.  They were born at the beginning of June, so they're about 8 weeks old.  Bertram named the boy Shy-Guy (which is a character in Mario), and Aaron and I named the girl Oona.

Oona

Shy-Guy

They're been confined to our bedroom and bathroom.  They are super friendly and very playful.

Our washer died today, which a barrel full of water and wet clothes.  It was 14 years old. Fortunately, we're in a position that replacing it wasn't a huge burden.  Really more of an annoyance than anything.  But we got a nice LG washer.

We've (Aaron, Bertram and I) have been learning to play pokemon cards.  It's pretty fun.  Bertram keeps trying to cheat, which is weird because he doesn't actually care about winning.

Bronwyn's birthday was a couple weeks ago.  My baby is 3.  We didn't do much for her in terms of a party.  I made a cake, and we gathered on grandma and grandpa's lawn. 

Everything came and went, my mom, Bertram's birthday, the 2nd trimester of school.

My mom was here for three weeks that went way too fast. 

Bertram had a Star Wars themed party.  It was pretty calm.  We surprised him with the Disneyland trip.  He was/is excited.  I haven't mentioned that Disneyland is currently closed, because hopefully it'll be open and ready in a month from now.

Bertram's report card came home on Thursday.  For all academics he is either on track, or above.  But he needs work on things like: cooperation, sitting still, waiting, following directions etc.  He has his first ABA this coming Friday. Hopefully that will help things some.  But his teacher said his behaviour really is improving (overall). 

Because, like most of the country, we are on Covid-19 self isolation.  Bertram is out of school for the next three weeks. It has really left a lot of parents scrambling, as it was announced Friday (after school) and started pretty much immediately.  I really feel for the parents that are working, single, health workers, grocery retail, etc.  But the district is providing free bagged breakfast and lunches during the week, so that's good for many.  It doesn't particularly effect me, as I'm home all day anyway.  But I've been trying to get some school stuff in order for Bertie.  I want to try to keep a routine, because he does a lot better with routine.  This is what I'm going to try:
7am: Wake up normal time, eat (or not (he's not always hungry)), and go for our morning walk.
8:30ish: reading/language arts/writing practice
9ish: Math (I only have a little of that)
9:20ish: Science.  I got my dad's old microscope.  I ordered more slides, since there are only 4.  He really wants to see a Water Bear/Tarigrade.  So we'll have to get some pond water and see what we can find.  But we'll do things like: cheek cells, various plants, salt, sugar, and maybe blood if I can prick myself.
10ish: I'm trying to think of an ongoing art project we can do, but I haven't thus far.
Free time
12: Lunch
12:30-1:30 (or longer): quiet time Rest/nap/read/possibly additional tablet time.
Afternoon: play outside
4ish-5:30: Baths, tv

So we'll see how that goes.  I don't consider myself a very effective teacher. 

Examples:

Currently the library is slated to be open for a few hours in the afternoon tomorrow.  Hopefully, I can get over there and exchange their books.

Bronwyn is doing a weird sleep schedule.  She will either nap really late, or not at all.  If she naps late, she, of course, won't sleep.  If she doesn't nap, she's grumpy in the afternoon, but sleeps well. Aside from that she's parroting like crazy, and always has a lot to say.  She still loves reading, she is not as into art as Bertram was at her age.She likes to help unload the dishwasher by handing me one item at a time.

I'm still working on my depression.  My doctor switched my meds a little.  I'm not sure it's helping, but time will tell.  He really wants me to start exercising again (aside from walking).  I haven't as of yet.

Trying

Trying to wean. 

I want to wean Bronwyn.
I want my body back.  For it to just belong to me.  I want to be able to take better drugs for depression.  To get back on Adderall.  So I can have energy.  I want other people to be able to comfort her.  Plus she's going to be two in July. 

I don't want to wean Bronwyn.
In reality, I love nursing her (95% of the time). She comes up and says "neh!" I'm not sure how nurse became neh, but that's what she says.  I love that she still needs me that way.  There is something very... connecting.  And it's built in snuggles.  I'm (we're) 90% sure that she will be the last child, so I don't really want to rush weaning. 

Trying to run.

For some reason, I can't run.  I'm not in pain, but I use can't make my body do it.  I'll start, and 10 seconds later just stop.  So I've been walking.  But I want to run.  I used to be okay at it, but now, I just can't, and I don't know why.  I kind of feel broken.

Just trying.

I just want to be happy.  I want to feel like a human.  I feel like I was normal once.  Now I just feel mostly sad.  And tired.  I still keep trying with church.  But, really, I'm ready to stop, at least for now.  It's not working for me, and it's not making me happy.


All that being said, I am trying.  I am putting one foot in front of the other, every day.  Each night, because bed, we, as a family, talk about one thing we're grateful for. 

List of goings on

• I switched to the 10k instead of the half.  I will do a half at some point, but I'm not going to be ready.  I haven't been keeping up with running very well.  Kids sleeping issues, my sleeping issues, etc.  But I'll keep pushing forward.  
• I have been doing A LOT of yard work.  It's starting to look acceptable.  I've been weeding, and mowing, clipping.  Aaron planted my orange tree.  
• Ants have been coming in the past couple days.  That's been a pain.  But so far they've been manageable.  
• The weather has been really nice lately.  (Thus all the yard work).  Being outside feels nice.
• Depression is kicking my butt a bit.  But I can't change medicine til I wean Bronwyn.  Maybe next weekend.  

I've been sitting with my computer open for an hour.  I can't think of anything else to say at the moment.

Mid December

Training has been going ok.  Wednesday was a longer running section.  I'd been doing 2 minutes of running, followed by 2 minutes of walking, repeated for 30ish minutes.  Sometimes that was ok, sometimes it was a struggle.  Wednesday was 3 run, 2 walk.  I was dreading it, but it went really well, and I didn't wish I was dead.  I've kept up with workouts with week.  And I ever threw in an extra one after running on Wednesday.  I've been wanting to do more leg/butt strengthening training, but I didn't want to be sore for running.  I figured Wednesday to Saturday would be enough recovery, which it was.  So I may have start including that, when the kids will let me.  I haven't done my 4 mile run yet (it's 2/2).  I didn't sleep great, and was exhausted when the alarm went off.  But I should be able to do it some point this morning.

Everyone is well again, finally.  And, I think we've finally found a solution for Bertram's sleeping issues.  We had to stay in his room til he fell asleep, and then he'd wake up several times in the night and either get in bed with us, or we'd have to sleep with him.  One night, I left the reading light on in his room.  (We call it the Nana light, as it used to only be in the room when my mom visited).  He slept all night.  Now we've done it for the past 4 nights, and he stays in his room all night.  I think he was waking up in the dark and feeling lost or confused.  Now when he wakes up, he sees all is well and goes back to sleep.  Hallelujah!  I got several nights of 6 hours uninterrupted sleep, it was amazing.

Bertram is doing well with school.  He plays with a couple other boys, Kunal and Mayson.  (I don't think I mentioned previously that Bertram bit Mayson.  It was a confusing situation, since the teacher didn't see it happen.  Bertram said Mayson put his finger in Bertie's mouth while he was talking.  Which sounded like a lie, but Mayson later told the teacher the same thing.  So I'm not sure.  But I made Bertram write an apology note, and I apologized to his mom.)  I made his appointment for Kindergarten registration.  :sob:  I can't believe he'll be starting real school in the fall.  The district used to do half day kindergarten, but stopped (I'd guess) because parents had issue with child care.  I'm bummed that he'll be gone all day.  Plus that seems like a long time for a kid to sit still and listen.

Bronwyn has been picking up a lot of new words lately.  She calls our cat meow-meow.  She loves the Christmas trees and lights.  I counted yesterday, and she has almost 30 words (she'll be 17 months in a few days).  I think when Bertram was 18 months he had about 80 words, so she'll be close to that, I think.  She is very dramatic, and will throw herself to the floor when she is unhappy with something.  She is getting molars.  She has been eschewing all naps lately.  She still needs them, she just refuses.  It's irritating, because then she's a grump, which in turn makes me a grump. She was doing a pattern of wake up around 7, back to sleep around 8 until 10:30 or 11.  Then nap again from 1-3ish.  Maybe she only needs one nap now. I guess I'll have to experiment with that.  She is at an age that makes it very hard for me to do things while she's awake.  She is our little octopus, hands into everything.  And she still loves to put everything in her mouth. 

Aaron is currently hating his new job.  It doesn't seem like a very defined position.  For the first couple weeks no one knew what he should be doing with his time.  Then they had him work on a project that got scrapped.  So now he's back to reading manuals and twiddling his thumbs. 

My depression game is still strong.  I think I'm going to have to switch meds again.  What I'm on might be working if I were also taking Adderall, but Bron is still nursing, so I'll have to wait.

Once again, it's been a month

I started training for the half marathon, then stopped.  We (the state of California) had a lots of forest fires, and even though they weren't near us, the air quality was awful.  Apparently, on one of the really bad days San Francisco had the worst air quality in the world, beating Delhi and everywhere in China.  Our normal viability is 10 miles, some of the days it was down to a mile.  I ran on one or two of the days, but then I was coughing, and had a sore throat.  Shortly after that a plague descended on our house.  Everyone had fevers.  Aaron had the flu (the actual, real, flu).  But since he had his flu shot, it only lasted 5 or 6 days.   No one else got the flu, but Bertram and I had bad, wet coughs.  Now everyone is well, except Bronwyn.  I took her to the doctor on Friday.  She does not have the flu (she tested negative).  Some other kind of virus.  She is still snotty, and coughing, and has low fevers off and on.  But she is improving.  Anyway, I start training again on Monday.  I'm looking forward to starting again. 

My depression has been worse recently.  I'm not sure if it has to do with lack of exercise, or just my chemistry.  My depression just makes me blah.

We had a nice Thanksgiving.  We went out on Black Friday just to Barnes and Noble, Target and Bath and Body works. 

I'm pretty close to done with Christmas shopping.  I have to look over what I have to send to Virginia, and make sure I have everyone.  Also, I have money from my stepdad to buy gifts, but I haven't done that yet.  I think I'm going to get Bertram/me a season pass to the local amusement parks (Great America, and Gilroy Gardens).

Today we went to Target.  I had the kids choose gifts for each other.  Bertram chose a Duplo set for Bronwyn (and him, I suspect, since he loves Legos).  Bron chose a Paw Patrol toy for Bertram.  She wanted to choose a stuffed animal (since she loves them), but I had her chose between a few other things.  We got lunch at Five Guys.  Bronwyn said "more burger".  She has been getting a lot more words lately.  Mama, dada, up, no, more, happy, duck, dog, star, book, that, baby, and probably a few others I'm forgetting.  After lunch we went downtown to the Joyce Ellington Library.  They had a petting zoo.  We got there early, so we went in.  Bertram settled in a read, while Bron walked around, and played.  She read some too.  I found some Lego books for Bertram, and a few level 2 readers.  Then we went out to the petting zoo.  There were chickens, ducks, pigs, goats, sheep, and alpaca.  Bertram didn't want to go in.  He said the animals were too stinky.  Bronwyn had a blast.  There was one white duck, which was her favourite.  She kept pointing at it, and saying duck!  After that we came home.  Bronwyn napped, and Bertram built his new lego set (that he bought with his allowance).  In the evening we went to the Christmas dinner/program.  Bertram went up with the kids, but didn't preform.  The cousins went up and preformed (even though they don't go to our church), it was really cute.  Bertram didn't want to see Santa.  Bronwyn sat with Santa for a minute.

That white duck was her favourite.

That brown duck was nippy (she bit me). She bit Bronwyn (not hard) and Bronwyn laughed.

Aaron was the narrator for the program.

Bertram and a buddy.

The other kids were singing.

I'm still feeling meh about church.  I'm still trying.  I keep finding myself being jealous of those who no longer attend, and conversely, jealous of families that are really happy in church.  I just kind of feel like a liar.  

Well, that was a downer.  Let me think of something better to end with.

Oh, I know.  (This is more interesting, I think).  We've been discussing a third kid.  Well, we've been talking about number of kids since before we were married.  I think in terms of thinking logically, having a third is a bad idea.  But really, I'm not sure how much logic has to do with it.  It's like head vs heart.  If that makes sense.  Either way, I'm going to wait til after the half marathon to decide.  Hopefully, I'll have lost some weight by then, which would make pregnancy easier, and healthier is always better.

Oh, also, I think after the new year, I'm going to stop eating meat again.  Aaron's cousin has been vegetarian for about 3 years, so he's a good resource.  I'm looking at recipes with protein, and less pasta.  

Ok, until next month (hahah).  Hopefully sooner.

I missed all of August.

I think depression is still been an issue.  I don't feel particularly depressed, but I don't have any energy or desire to do much of anything.  And I binge eat.  For the most part, both of those problems will be solved when I start using Adderall again.  But that could still be 6+ months away.  My weight is still waaaayyy higher than I want, and than it should be.  But I can really only take that one day at a time.  I'm going back to 16:8, and working on my binge eating.  I'm trying to make an effort to move more (though, I only have 4000 steps today). 

Bertram started pre-K last week.  He seems to like it.  He didn't cry, when it was time to go in (which I was concerned about).  But it doesn't seem like he's playing with other kids much (maybe that's normal?)  Generally, he's perfectly happy to play by himself, so maybe I shouldn't be too concerned.  I drove both mornings (because Bron wasn't awake early enough to walk), but she and I walked both afternoons. (Actually, I tried jogging one of the days.  Holy cow, am I out of shape!).  But, as the weather cools off a little, I can spend more time outside.

And since I missed so much time, I can't actually think of anything else to add right now.

Mental Health

I've been thinking about this a lot lately, especially with two celebrity suicides this week (Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain).

In the spirit of transparency and the hope of people being more open in the future, here are my experiences.  (Though, I've always been fairly open about all my health stuff, mental included).

I have had anxiety for as long as I can remember.  Actually, that's not quite true.  I think it started around age six, when my sister was born. I'm not sure if it was a coincidence.  Once my sister was born, I had constant worry at night.  I would often check on her to make sure she was breathing.  I would have dreams about bad things happening, and being somehow responsible.  Around this point, I also developed some OCD tendencies.  I would check the doors to make sure they were locked (more than once, even though I'd checked them).  I would go around and unplug things, as I was worried about fire (any lamps I could reach, always the toaster, anything else around). 

At some point, this anxiety lessened.

I think depression started in middle school.  Partly because middle school was awful.  I was not a cute tween, and kids that age are so mean.  Plus, working through relationships at home was hard.  It is hard to be the middle kid.  Plus since my older sister is on the spectrum, I often played the role of oldest as well.  (And my main method of getting attention was causing trouble).  I always felt like I was getting the short straw: Jessica had privilege due to her disability (God, it feels so petty to type that, but as a kid, I couldn't see around that).  And my little sister had privilege because she was the youngest.  I had a couple meetings with a therapist, but it wasn't helpful.

In high school, things improved some.  I fell in with a closer group of friends.  People were much less mean, and I enjoyed school most of the time.  I got a boyfriend which helped with my confidence some (since I never really found myself attractive).  The depression was still there, but it was pretty far in the background.

Then came 2001, the beginning of the hardest period in my life.  It was the year my parents got divorced, I started college and Aaron left on his mission.  All of a sudden the people who loved me the most were all very far away.  And college wasn't what I thought it would be.  High school was easy for me, I put in minimal effort and got all As and Bs.  College was really different, I had to study for my classes, which I didn't really know how to do.  Plus, I didn't have friends in my classes like high school.  That first semester I got mostly Cs and a couple Bs.  Besides that, I had no clue what I wanted to do/major in, so I (in reality) wasted a lot of time.  Anyway, sometime in college, I tried anti-depressants for the first time: Lexapro.  Lexapro was the worst, I felt like I was in a fog all day, and didn't take them for long.  I just managed on my own, just being sad most of the time.

Since then, things have ebbed and flowed.  There was only one period where I felt as low as I did back then.  And it was at that point I started a regiment of anti-depressants.  When I was diagnosed with Crohns, it became a real possibility that I might not be able to get pregnant, because the medications I was on where not conducive to growing a fetus, and because I was not health enough in general to be pregnant.  I started seeing my current psychiatrist, and I did a few different group programs.  I finally found a medication that worked for me.  We have changed it a couple times over the years, but in general, I've felt well.

My anxiety kind of hangs out in the background.  It seems like it's mostly social anxiety.  It's annoying, because it's lonely.  I feel awkward, and I don't easily make friends.  Plus when I'm invited to things, it's really hard to go.  It sounds odd, unless you've experienced it (which I guess is true of many things).

I've never actively thought about suicide.  But, it crossed my mind passively, which doesn't make sense, unless you've gone through it.  It's kind of like just not wanting to exist anymore.  I heard an interview on Fresh Air five-ish years ago with Allie Brosh (the author of Hyperbole and a Half).  I was listening to it, while on a lunchtime walk, and what she said so resonated with me that I started crying (as I walked).  She put into words my jumbled thoughts of the past few years.  And while I knew other people were depressed, it made me realize there were people like me. 

Which brings be back to the reason for this post.  Mental health is really just health.  But it's not viewed that way.  It's secret, or shameful, or private, something.  In the grand scheme of things, my experience with depression and anxiety is fairly minor or maybe moderate at times.  But I am one of many.  And while things can feel so crushing at times (or for periods), they do get better.  But don't be afraid to speak up.  Ask for help.  It's a little less crushing to speak about it.

June

My second try at the root canal went much better.  Whatever that numbing stuff was worked well.  I go back in a few weeks to do step two (hopefully finish it before the crown gets put on).

Bronwyn is pulling up and cruising on all the furniture.  She likes to walk holding onto our hands.  She says "more", "dada" and "mama".  She has finally started crawling normally most of the time (instead of the army crawl).

The kids have been a little rough on me lately.  Bronwyn has been extra grumpy, which I think (hope) has to do with teething.  She has not wanted to nap, and sleeping at night has been a little rough too.  I'm not sure what is going on with Bertram, but he gets into these meltdowns.  I tell him to clean up and he can't do it.  It's just impossible.  He'll scream "I can't do it". So I'll send him to his room for quiet time.  Sometimes he'll calm down, sometimes he won't.  I've been trying to help him add words to his emotions, so I can help him.  But thus far, it's not helping.  Today they were both at their worst at the same time.  He's been doing a lot of back talk too.  I take away privileges (tablet and tv) or use time outs or quiet time.  Maybe it's normal for 4 year olds.  But I guess we'll just muddle through.

Brianon mentioned the loneliness of being a stay at home mom in her blog.  It's been on my mind lately.  It's a tough dichotomy for me.  Because social anxiety makes me want to be on my own a lot, but I also want to have some friends.  I feel like I don't really have any close (local) friends anymore.  Maybe that's typical of SAHMs?  I don't think my mom had a lot of close friends when we were young.  I'd like to go to the park group with the other SAHMs from church, but Bronwyn is always napping when they meet.  Maybe it's another thing that just needs to be muddled through?  How does one make friends as an adult?

Church is kind of tough too.  I don't feel like I belong there.  Like I'm not good enough, or the same enough.  Plus, I've lost my testimony, pretty much entirely.  And the more I try to work on it (doing all the textbook things: reading scriptures, studying, praying etc), the further away I feel.  Maybe it's not where I'm supposed to be.  Is there a time when you throw in the towel?  I guess it doesn't matter too much, I'll still be doing the same things. 

Well, this has been a kind of depressing post.  I guess I've been a little down lately.

Quick blog

This will likely be short, as I'm typing on my phone. Things are going pretty well. I feel like the cymbalta is working well. So much so, that a few days it's been like I don't actually have depression.
We went to the Legion of Honor with my dad (the kids and I). It was a good time. The last few times Bertram wasn't good company. I wised up and brought his tablet, and Bron rode in the backpack. They did very well, and I had a good time.
Bertram has been riding his scooter more, he's starting to get the hang of it. And he's wearing his helmet (bonus!) He had his second PT visit. The therapist was very happy with his progress.
And next week we're going to an open house for a low/no cost preschool (that we actually qualify for). The campuses aren't super close, but they're only about 15 minutes away. So hopefully we'll like it, and there is an opening for him.
 Brony is still a happy little thing. She has her 9 month appointment next week. I think she's on schedule for most of the milestones, but I'll find out next week.

The dawn

I think the Cymbalta is starting to work.  Just in the last 3 or 4 days, it feels like the darkness is lift.  When I have a moment to myself, I don't automatically feel sad.  Some joy is sneaking in.  I do have a couple annoying side effects.  Dry mouth, I'm thirsty all the time.  And sweating, which is worse.  I'll be out doing things, and just be dripping in sweat, for no reason.  

I took the kids (mostly just Bertram) bowling on Monday.  It wasn't super warm inside, and I wasn't working hard, but I was embarrassing sweaty.  Aside from that it was pretty fun.  I paid for 90 minutes.  It was $5.50 per game (per person) or $9.95 for 90 minutes (per person).  I figured the timed rate would be better, that way, if he wanted to keep bowling after two games we could.  (Last time we went bowling, which was at least 9 months ago, we did two games, and he wanted to keep playing).  He did pretty well, and we had fun.  Bronwyn sat patiently, for most of the time.  

For the last week, we've had a lot of rain.  We need it, but I don't really like it, it makes us a little cooped up.Yesterday, there was only a 20% chance of rain, and it was sunny.  So we all walked to the donut shop (about a mile away).  Except it started raining about halfway there.  The kids were in the stroller, so they stayed fairly dry.  Aaron and I were fairly wet.

Bronwyn has slept well a couple nights, like 8 or 9 hours straight.  Then last night, she didn't want to sleep at all.  She has mastered sitting.  And she has started army crawling.  She has been trying new foods.  I haven't been following the way your supposed to do it.  She's been getting table food, and various baby food.  She's liked most things.  Plain yogurt, waffles, eggs, bread, chicken.  She is not a huge fan of baby food peas, but likes cooked peas (like really soft, from a soup).  

Another month later

So after a short stay with Effexor, I've moved onto Cymbalta.  It's only been a week or so. 

I'm getting really tired of depression.  It's really annoying to be at the mall, or reading to the kids, or driving and suddenly feel like breaking down.  Doing something fun, and wanting to break.  Then, when you are alone and can cry, nothing happens.  It's like my emotions are completely broken.  And my sex drive is completely gone.  Poor Aaron.  It's just kind of shitty all around.

My mom was out here for 3 weeks for Bertie's birthday.  It was so nice having her here, and it went way too fast.  Both kids loved having her here.  I'm not sure that Bertram ever stopped talking.  And Bron is just the most smiling, happiest kid around. 

We had Bertie's 4th birthday.  Just family, like always (or at least another year).  He wanted a PJ Masks party.  So we found decorations and balloons and all the usual things.  I made two cakes.  He originally told me he wanted a chocolate and strawberry cake.  I made one with chocolate frosting, and then he told me he wanted vanilla frosting.  So I made a second cake (which is just as well, since one probably wouldn't have been enough).  They both turned out well.  We had fruit, veggies and pizza.  Then he wanted to open gifts.  He got a lot of space stuff, books, and puzzles.  He was a happy guy.  We sang and all had cake.  The kids were playing with the star-shaped confetti, which I told them not to do while they ate.  I think Bertram must have set his fork down on one, because he started crying and gagging.  (God, it was so scary, I'm still upset over it).  I ran over and looked in his mouth, I couldn't see it.  He kept saying that it hurt, and would gag again.  I tried finger-sweeping him, with no success.  I called my mom to help.  She wasn't panicked like I was.  He gagged a few more times and out it came.  He gagged a little more and then cried and cried.  I held him and cried too.  I kept thinking, why did I put that stupid confetti there?  He got over it a lot quicker than I did.  (Since I'm still not).  But it didn't ruin his day, which is good.

He had his well check.  He is just about 50th% for height and weight.  He's still not jumping or peddling, so we're starting PT tomorrow.  And he sees the ophthalmologist on Monday to determine if he's colour blind.  I told him he wasn't getting any shots, because he was concerned.  The problem was, I didn't know he was getting boosters.  He was sad, and cried.  And I did my best not to cry, because, my emotions are out of whack. 

Anyway, on top of all the depression stuff, the kids are my sunshine.  I just think about how lucky I am to be their mom.

This and That

We got our Christmas tree up, and Aaron put lights on the house (which we haven't done in a while).  There are a lot of gifts under the tree.  All the stockings are full, except Bronwyn.  What do you put in a stocking for a 5 month old?  So far she has socks in it.  I may get her another chewy toy.  We aren't doing Santa.  So that's why the stockings are full.  Bertram asks every morning if it's time to open presents.  Yesterday, he said "We need to buy a present to send to Nana, for the baby".  I told him the baby is with us, and Nana has toys.  He said "No, the other baby!"  He was talking about his (step) cousin, Lawson.  That was really cute, and sweet.  I'm pretty excited to see him open his gifts.  And he wants to help Bronwyn open hers too.

Christmas is a hard time for me.  It's a bit better this year, than in years past.  It's an odd feeling.  And I'd guess non-depressed people don't understand.  I'll go out to buy gifts, or whatever.  And I'll be really excited.  Then all of a sudden, it just hits.  I don't even know how to describe it. 

Aaron and I went to a parenting class for disciplining the willful child.  It was really informative, and helpful.  Also, I've started to get up when Aaron does, make the bed, get dressed.  Otherwise, we stay in our jammies too long and watch too much tv.  His screen time has been increasing exponentially lately.  I've cut him back to an hour (30 on the table, 30 on tv or youTube).  He's been finding ways to stay busy.  He plays with play doh for an hour at a time (or more), blocks, other art projects.  He loves playing in flour.  What I need to work on is more outside time.  I need to clean up the back yard (hopefully tomorrow).  Pick up the dog poop, pull the weeds, more room to play.  Or walk to the park more.  (Our jogging stroller has a flat tire, I need to order a new intertube). 

The kids have been amazing lately.  I feel so lucky everyday to be their mommy, and to be able to stay home with them.  I'm grateful that Aaron works hard at a job that isn't his dream, so that we have amazing insurance and I can be home.  I talked to Bertram about preschool, and he said he didn't want to go to school, he wanted to stay with me. (Preschool may not be an option.  The cheapest preschool around here is about $300 a month, for 2 half-days a week.  There is a free preschool through our school district (which I'm looking into), but my guess is that we make too much money to qualify, even though, around here we are definitely in the the low to middle income bracket). 

Bertram is still amazing with Bronwyn.  He is a great helper, when I need him to get something for me. He is generally happy, he's really creative.  He knows way too much about the solar system and geography.  He loves maps.  He has finally started drawing something other than "marble mazes" (aka scribbles), he's drawing maps.  He talks about traveling to different places. We've started reading some.  He has a lot of sight words.  He's not too interested in phonics yet. He loves helping in the kitchen, he always wants to bake.  He is affectionate with the whole family.  And he is a funny kid.  We were at Safeway yesterday, and we wanted to get something to drink (lemonade for him, diet coke for me).  We were waiting for the guy and the counter, he came over, and Bertram pointed to the cups and said "We'd like two drinks please". 

Bronwyn is almost 5 months old.  She is generally a happy kid.  She wakes up from a nap, I go in and talk to her, and she'll pop her head up and just smile.  She is the cutest thing.  She is a big drooler.  I keep thinking she is teething, but nothing yet.  She's chewing on everything.  She's started playing with toys, she loves rings, and taggie toys.  She likes playing on her tummy, and grabbing daddy's beard.  She wants to crawl, but she's not coordinated enough.  She loves baths.  Bron is a major thumb sucker.  She is still a good nurser.  (I'm still wheat free for her).  She has a dimple (almost two)

I just feel so lucky to have great kids, and to be their mom.

A couple things

Bertie has started to say I love you without prompting.  It melts my cold heart.

Yesterday he asked to say prayer before we had dinner.  Aaron helped him, of course.

Today I told Bertram it was nap time.  Usually he throws a fit ("No nap! No nap!") before settling down.  Today I told him it was nap time, and we needed to read a book. He said "No book, go bed".  So he took his new matchbox car and walked to his room.  I tucked him in, and he went straight to bed.  That was something he'd never done before.

I've been feeling better.  Still not great, but much improved from before.  I've been forcing exercise on myself, and counting calories.  I really need both.  I'm prone to eating.  Some people eat to live, I live to eat.  So went I don't count, I go way overboard.  Exercise has been good.  Monday and Tuesday I got up to walk at the track and then did the bikini body mommy workout.  Today I slept in (til 7:35) and exercised during nap time.

I have a new resume, but I need to start looking again.  But I'm kind of waiting til we get back from vacation.  And I kind of don't want a job (a sort of need one, but sort of not).  So I'm going to be picky.  Plus Aaron is applying for a new position at work, which pays more.  And he'll get a couple raises in August.  But money is, of course, stressful.

It's been hot for a couple days.  It makes me glad that I'm chopping off my hair in a couple months.

Depression update

I had to go to Target today.  I left Bertie with his grandparents.  It should be known that I love Target.  I was wondering around getting the things on the list, when anxiety set it.  And I got teary, and kept rubbing my face.

Anyway.

I got an email back from my shrink.  He said I can take Adderall again, as long as I'm tracking my cycle. And he suggested adding Wellbutrin.  I told him please, let's do that!  Then I read about it, and was wondering, "Why aren't I on this already?!"  It seems like the dream anti-depressant.  It can be taken while pregnant, with other drugs, it doesn't cause weight gain, or loss of sexual desire.  Wellbutrin, where have you been all my life?

It was a crummy day, but I'm looking forward to things improving.

Depression creeps in. (Now with anxiety!)

Today I said to Aaron "Sometimes I with I was dead.  Just in a passive way". He asked if he needed to stay home, or find someone else to watch Bertram.  At first I was offended, I've never had any self harm behaviours.  But I understand his concern.  I emailed my shrink, so we'll see what he says.

I'm having odd social anxiety too.  I took Bertie to the library for story time.  We got in and sat down, and I almost started crying.  No reason.   Then I was going to go to this relief society thing tonight.  When it was getting close to time to leave my heart was racing, so I didn't go.

I've been really tired lately.  And neglecting self care.

Blah, blah, blah.  Sad Rachel.

Title goes here.

• Bertie has been sick for a couple days.  We went to the doctor today. He doesn't have a fever, and his ear were clear.  So it's just a virus, which is good.  But the poor kid is unhappy.  And so snotty.  He and I went to the park today, and all the baby swings were being used.  So he and I sat together on a regular swing, and didn't go high.  And Baby B just kept laying his head on my shoulder, which he very rarely does.  I enjoy the snuggles, but I hate that he feels so bad.
• I have eczema on my scalp.  It's really annoying.  I have a steroid cream, which worked well on my ears, but it's hard to get on my scalp.  Since there is hair, and all.
• I've been feeling less depressed this week.  I decided I wanted to work on my spirituality this week.  So I set different goals, and I'm following through.  But I'm still not feeling the spirit.  I talked to Aaron, he said depression can mess up things like that.  So I'll keep trying.
• The office moved this week.  So I worked about 19 hours, instead of 12.  I'm working extra next week too.  The new office is beautiful, I can't wait to see it once the furniture is moved in.
• It rained almost all week, which is good, we need it.  But I'm looking forward to having some sun this coming week.  And I'm looking forward to Christmas!

Radio Silence

Depression is making a comeback.  Ever since my mom and step-dad left it's been tough.  We had a great time while they were here.  Lots of fun, we went to San Francisco.

Nana, Papa and Bertie in front of the tree they bought for us

US at the foot of the Golden Gate Bridge

Papa is the baby whisperer.  

Nana and Bertram

An even better one of Nana and Bertie.

Janet and Dennis bought us an upright chest freezer for Christmas.  We Aaron had to rearrange the garage a bit.  But it looks good.  There's not much in there right now, breastmilk and a couple ice packs.  Now that we have a little money in the bank, I'll see if I can stock it.

Work is busy since it's the end of the year, and we're moving on Saturday.  So I'll be picking up some extra hours, which is good.

I haven't been walking or exercising lately.  It's been bad.  Between the weather (rain) and depression I've probably gained 100lbs.  I need to get back on it.

I was supposed to have a dentist appointment on Thursday, but I forgot and scheduled a hair appointment on top of it.  So I need to reschedule, plus I need to make sure my insurance is accepted, since it's changed since I was last there.