Cancer

 I feel like I've been waiting for this shoe to drop for a long time.  I assumed it would have happened long before now, but here we are.

My mom has breast cancer.

We've known for about a week.  It's stage 1a, which I guess is like just a little cancer.  She had her MRI yesterday, and meets with the surgeon on Friday, which is when there will be more information.  That's all the information I have right now.

When I was 12 my mom had a cancer scare.  But after a biopsy, it was found to be not cancer.  I can't remember what it was, something benign

I feel like this has been kind of crushing my life for the last week.  I was kind of falling back into depression before, but now I feel like I'm embracing it.  Like that old friend that you know is bad for you.  But you hang out with them anyway.  Or like a cocoon, the protection of depression.  It's hard to explain, unless you've been depressed, I guess.  

Everything in my life is cancer and depression tinted.  This is a funny show. My mom has cancer. Man, the kids are so cute.  My mom has cancer.  

Since everything is cancer coloured, I've been leaning into the depression, hard core.  Not doing much of my work at home, skipping the gym or when I actually do get to the gym, just having terrible workouts, avoiding things I like, not sleeping well, sleeping too much.  And eating, of course. I wish I was one of those people that have no appetite when I was depressed, but no, I eat for comfort, not that it actually helps.