Lack of adoption

On Wednesday, Aaron and I went to an orientation with Adoption Connection.  We were both excited and nervous to go.  But for the most part, it turned out to be very disappointing.

The company sounds great.  They usually have 90-120 families waiting to adopt, and generally make about 50 placements a year.  Those are pretty good odds.  And their moms are generally a little more put together, a little older, and they don't do any crisis situations or special needs.  All of that sounded really great, until we got to the payment sheet.  Their fees are pretty standard among private open adoption firms.  It goes something like this:

• $275 for your start up fee
• $2300 for homestudy
• $8000 for the organization to advertise you, and find you a match
• Birthmother fees $0-2000
• Legal fees $2000-3000

All in all, their total came to $12-17k.  But most private adoptions in California average $15k-28k.  Which means at this rate, it'll be another 6-7 years before we can even start.

We'll sign up with LDS FS, but their placement seems very low, since there are a lot of families who want babies, and not a lot of babies.  But it's way cheaper.  I think it's $100 for start up and $1000 or $1200 for homestudy.  Plus they cap what you pay based on income.

I'm also going to look into Fost-adopt.  I know they are not expensive, but I think it's harder to come by non-special needs babies.  

I've mostly gone into free fall since that meeting.  It just seems like there is no way: we can afford it, or (if we can afford it) we would get chosen.  It's a pretty hopeless feeling.

Misc

During my vacation, my sister and I watched Food Inc.  She'd never seen it, I saw it about 3 years ago.  I decided I want to do more, in terms of food.  I already buy organic free range eggs.  They cost $4.50 a dozen, so about 3 times as much as regular eggs.  I've started buying organic milk.  This one is harder, as we go through way more milk than eggs.  Regular milk is usually between 2.99 and 3.30; organic is 6 to 6.50. I have no clue if organic milk cows are treated better than regular. But I'd like to think so.

I don't buy any "land animal" meat.  I do buy fish occasionally.  But I do buy some tv dinners with meat for Aaron's lunches.  I could cut back, or just buy veggie meals, he wouldn't mind.

He plays with the idea of vegetarian-ism from time to time.  I would like to get back there, but I can't do it til my guts are more under control.

My vacation was good.  I wish I could see my mom and sister more.

Things have been tough lately.  Conference weekend is supposed to be uplifting, and comforting.  It was the exact opposite.  There were too many talks about kids who died.  And Elder Oaks, who I normally love, gave a talk that crushed me.  I was sobbing before it was over.  Not good sobbing, sobbing because my heart was breaking.  I can't even remember what was said, but it was about kids, it was frustrating, and crushing.  I do remember he said a child is best when in the home with it's biological parents.  And I thought oh great, another strike for us.

I don't really know what to do.  I feel like being in the church is making things harder.  My faith is failing me.  Or I'm failing it.

Aaron's having a hard time too.  He's not as vocal about it as I am.  But I just feel broken.

Hope and Change.

Nope, it's not a political post.

I really need a change.  The way things are now isn't working, so I assume it will continue not working.  I'm sure a lot of what I'm feeling has to do with my consumption of Prednisone, but still...

Work has been kind of stressful, but it seems we've gotten through the stressful bits, and are on the right track once again.  That is a definite plus.

However, my depression and anxiety are getting worse.  Again, I assume it's Prednisone related, however, I still have about a month of Prednisone left, and I don't like the way I feel.  I'll be going along, just fine, then suddenly have this overwhelming, crushing sadness.  Or I'll be out driving around, and see someone walking a dog.  I'll think Oh what a cute dog.  Then I think of Zelda and Yoie, then the anxiety sets in.  Are they ok?  Did something bad happen?  What if the house caught of fire?  They'd be stuck inside!  It's unfortunate that being agoraphobic actually seems like a good option.  I'm going to email my shrink on Monday and see if he can adjust me meds a bit.

I'm still tired all the time.  And I've been eating like... I can't think of a good simile.  Like something like eats a lot.  Plus the Prednisone makes me puffy, so even if I'm not actually gaining weight (which would be a miracle) I'm rounder.

I know things will get better.  I know this isn't permanent.  I know this.  I just can't remember what it's like to feel normal.

Hodge Podge

• Politics is too divisive, and I'm already tired of hearing about election stuff.  Still 2 months to go, too.  
• My liver went (scarily) crazy this week.  So now I'm off nearly all of my drugs.  I still have to finish my prednisone.  But other than that, all I'm on is Celexa, and twice monthly Humira.  Can I say, I really, really, really miss Adderall?  Maybe my GI will give me the ok to go back on it soon.  But, my gosh, I'm so tired ALL THE TIME.  And I can't focus on anything.  Adderall was not likely the issue.  But the GI got rid of all ancillary drugs.  Blurgle.
• My crohns symptoms are starting to creep back.  Maybe I'll lose these 4 Prednisone pounds sooner rather than later.
• Also, I don't have the energy to walk both dogs on my own anymore.  I think we went maybe 4 blocks, before I had to turn around.  So maybe that weight will stick around.
• I got Employee of the Month for the second time in three months last week.  I'm pretty awesome.
• I think I may be getting my first smart phone (ever).  I don't really want or need a smartphone.  But it is time to get a new phone.  And the non-smart ones are kind of lame.  I don't really plan on using the data, but maybe I'll change my mind once I get it.

20 random things about me

1. If I didn't stop myself, I could eat a whole watermelon in one sitting.  I love it that much.  Plus I'm totally a glutton.
2. I've had pretty bad anxiety from about age 6.  While anxiety is not good, I do credit it for keeping me out of a lot of bad situations during my teenage years.
3. I have never been drunk (or high).  I kind of regret being so cautious in my growing up.  I don't have a lot of "learning situations."
4. My first A in college was in Public Speaking.  I don't really care for it (like most people), but I really did enjoy that class.
5. At my adult height (5'6"), the most I weighed was 163, the least was 132.
6. From about 5th grade, I was overweight.
7. I am the only one in my family who cannot tan.  My sisters and my folks get a nice tan when in the sun too long, I, however, turn into a lobster in about 15 minutes.
8. I met my husband when I was 17.  (Well, once very briefly at 16).  
9. Nanny (mom's mom) makes the best tuna salad.  I know exactly how she does it, yet I can never make it taste the same.  That goes for most of her recipes.
10. I didn't mow a lawn until I was 27.  Our house growing up didn't have one, then Aaron and I lived in apartments.  I really enjoy doing it.
11. I don't enjoy driving, but I often get carsick if I'm a passenger.
12. Aaron would sleep spooning all night, if I let him.  He's way more cuddly than me.
13. I would like to learn to drive stick.
14. The Shark Steam mop is the best cleaning thing I've ever bought.
15. I've never been to Yosemite (it's about three hours from here), I'd like to go.
16. Even as an adult, I'm still really obsessed with all things Sanrio.  I miss Monkichi.
17. If I ever get to a point where I don't "have" to work, I want to get involved with a lot of charity, mainly centered on animals, homelessness, and human trafficking.
18. If we lived somewhere with real storms (and occasional tornadoes), I would be scared every time I heard thunder.
19. I wish numbers could be capitalized.  Wouldn't that make more sense?
20. Whenever our marriage outlasts a celebrity couple I feel kind of proud.  Total Schadenfreude.   

Long Weekend

What a great weekend!

Friday Aaron and I went out to dinner and did a little shopping.  He got suspenders.  They are awesome.

Saturday we got up early to do the food pick up for church.  Actually, no.  I got up early, and Aaron slept in.  That was fun.  Then we bummed around.  In the afternoon we left for a work thing for Aaron.  He had to go to a BSA troop thingy in Fairfax (north of Marin).  So we drove an hour and a half up there, it was a really pretty drive.  The event was alright, we had Vietnamese food for dinner.  I ate shrimp heads.  They were pointy.

Sunday we went to church.  Parts of that were better than usual.  Then we got to meet Aaron's cousin Sophie's baby!  Little Kaylee.  So freakin cute and tiny!  And squirmy for a newborn.  I want a baby.  :-/  Then we had dinner and hung out with Aaron's family.  We played cards and Aaron and I did great!

This morning we got up and took the doggies to Rio Del Mar beach.  It was so much fun.  And we saw another greyhound!  Zelda and Yoie both made instant friends!  (That is very unusual).  On the way home we tried to go to the Corralitos Meat Market, but they were closed for the holiday.  Went we got back I went to lunch with Amanda, and  had a great time talking about politics and church and such.  Then we went to Kohls and spent money.

Now I'm sitting around being sweaty, because the house is warm.

Word dump

Too much had gone on since I last wrote.

The main thing was that my dad was in the hospital for about a week and a half.  He was having some really bad bleeding (from his crohns).  And got taken to the hospital last Saturday (8/18).  He was there til Wednesday.  He still wasn't feeling well, but was released anyway.  Thursday, he fell, or possibly passed out (once again, blood loss).  He called his friend to take him back to the hospital, but by the time the friend arrived, he looked really bad, so they called 911, and he rode in the ambulance to the ER.  He has an MRI on top on other things, and they discovered a compression fracture in T-9.  Possibly from the fall, or the long term use of prednisone.  He got out yesterday.  I brought him some soups today, since that was all he could think that he wanted.  He doesn't feel like eating.  But he does seem better.  Less grouchy.

My crohns has been acting up too.  I started prednisone, against my better judgement.  It seems to be helping, and I'm not having the severity of side effects from before.

People keep walking past the house, and Fiona is going crazy.

Monday was Aaron's birthday.  We didn't do much except have dinner with Aaron's folks.

Yesterday night we went to our first Dog Scouts meeting.  It was pretty fun.  I think it'll be good to having the dogs making friends.  And us too.

Work has been going well.  I've still been doing a lot of overtime.  They hired a new girl for front desk.  She seems good, very professional.

Aaron's cousin had her baby today.  She was supposed to be induced on 8/26, but they didn't start til 8/27, and they she wasn't dilating.  Even after two rounds of pitocin, she was still under 5cm.  So she had to have a c-section.   

Weekly Wrap-up

• I spent most of Wednesday and Thursday cleaning like a fiend.  I wanted Aaron to be able to come home from his two-week business trip to a nice clean home.  I did a lot, and the house looks great.  The only thing I wasn't able to do was mow the lawns.  Not too bad though.
• Work has been going well.  I think I've got it all down now.  I have my weekly meeting with the owner and office manager on Monday, so I guess I'll know for sure then.  It was a productive week.
• I went to work at 6am on Friday.  Since I was leaving early (supposedly at 2) to get Aaron from the airport.  He didn't actually arrive til after 3.  But that's ok, I worked nearly 8 hours.  Plus I've been doing a bit of overtime lately.  So I'm looking forward to next payday.
• I going to fly out to see my mom and sisters in October.  I was looking at flights earlier in the week, and found some for $320.  When I started looking towards the end of the week, $385 is the lowest.  I hate that, why does it happen?  My mom is buying, so it's not really a huge deal, but I don't want her to pay more.
• Weight loss is still going very well.  I was 137.5 this morning!  The first goal I set was 133.  But if I can get there, I'll probably aim for 129 or so.  It would be a lot easier if I could exercise more, but I don't have the energy for that (stupid crohns).  
• Against my better judgement, I agreed to help out in nursery at church tomorrow.  The lady left me a message, and I sat on it for a while.  Anything having to do with kids for extended periods of time tends to be heartbreaking for me.  But I felt like I should do it.  And then it'll force me to stay for all 3 hours, and I won't have to go to ladies' Sunday school (which is generally asinine, at best).
• I told Aaron next time he goes away, he'll have to make me some freezer meals.  I can cook (not well), but when I'm alone, I'm not motivated to do so; I usually have tv dinners, canned soup, or cereal.  Aaron (rightly so) worries about my diet.  

Everything went wrong...

but is a-ok.

Pretty much everything went wrong today, but it actually wasn't a bad day.  Odd that.

I spent two hours yesterday, and one hour today working on enter one set of claims (it was 12 pages long, and chalk full of errors), only to find that my computer didn't save my work.

Then I spent way too long stuck on the phone doing insurance calls.  I was on hold for 30 minutes at one point.

We had our staff meeting at lunch today.  I ordered a kid's meal from Red Robin, with a boca patty.  When I opened the lunch box, I saw there was bacon on my burger.  So I pulled it off, then I was looking at the burger, and realized it was beef.  Grr.  Then I was stuck at the main office for most of the rest of the afternoon.  And I had no food there.  So I ate candy for lunch.

I ended up having to delete all the payments I'd entered so far.  That pained me a little.  But now I know I'll be entering them all correctly.

After the whole ordeal of getting my main crohns meds yesterday, my GI told me to stop taking them.  I got my blood work back today, and my ALT (liver enzyme) was double what it should be!  Hopefully it'll be lower next month, because that's a bit worrisome.

My guts hurt.  Likely from eating candy for lunch.

I am exhausted.

I worked an hour overtime today.  And I'll likely work quite a bit more this week (which I was ok'd to do).  That's not all bad, since it'll be time and a half.  And I'm hoping to catch up a little bit.

Oddly enough, I'm not feeling grumpy.  Just tired.

Long day...

• Last night, I made a tofu "meatloaf" so I would have easy lunches and dinners for a few days.  I brought some for lunch today.  Ugh, it was awful!  Probably the worst thing I've ever made.  I hate wasting food, but there was no way it was going to get eaten.  
• Getting up at 5:30 is getting harder, for some reason.  I assumed it would get easier.  But every morning, when the alarm goes off (no matter how early I went to bed), it's always too soon.
• I got stuck on billing stuff this afternoon.  I spent over 2 hours on one EoB, and didn't even finish it.  :sigh:  I left it all open on the computer.  I'm really hoping it doesn't log out over night (it does that some times).
• I was planning on hiking after work, but then realized I was out of my main crohns medicine.  (!)  It's one I take 3 pills, 3 times a day.  I went to grab a new bottle from the cabinet, and it was all gone.  Worse, was that I didn't have any refills left.  So I left a message at the GIs office, and sent him an email.  Fortunately, he was in, and was able to renew it..
• So after work, I drove to Kaiser to pick up the meds and do my blood work.  On the way there, my 12 pack of soda broke open, and they rolled all over the car.  I was worried they would explode, but they didn't (yay).  
• For some reason, it didn't hurt during the blood draw, but now my arm is super bruised, and hurts a lot.

Quick Sunday Post

Psyching myself up to go to church.  Since Aaron's been gone, I've been pretty happy cloistering myself, so I'd rather not go.  But I'll at least go for the first part, and take it from there.  Here are some other tidbits:

• Took the dogos to Rio del Mar beach yesterday.  It was a lot of fun.  I'm embarrassed to say that I'm actually sore from all the sand walking/running.  It's easier with two people, but Aaron always gets nervous driving distances with the dogs.  Mostly because Yoie will trampoline back and forth across the front seats.
• Since we didn't have anything specific to do, I took the long, roundabout way home.  It was nice, except I was hoping to see all the little fruit stands I remembered from my youth.  But there were none.  I did, however, get the dogs lunch from a Jack in the Box drive through.  Grilled chicken strips, seemed dog appropriate, and they were so hungry.
• Friday was Humira day.  It hurt, as always.  And I have a nice little bruise.  I probably need to talk to my doctor, it seems like I'm bruising easily lately.
• I finally thought of a couple things for Aaron's birthday.  But since he reads the blog from time to time, I won't elaborate.
• It's birthday time. Friday was my MiL's birthday.  Saturday was my dad's birthday.  And today is my sister in law's birthday.  Plus Rebecca and Aaron's birthdays at the end of the month.
• I've been cutting out milk lately (just milk, not all dairy) in favour of soy milk.  A lot less calories, since I'm trying to drop a little weight.  One cup has half the calories of 1% milk.  So I think I'll be doing that for a while.
• As of yesterday, I'm down 6lbs in 5 weeks.  Yay me!  139 and feelin' fine.  Well, as fine as I can feel. :-P  I'm trying to get down to 135 right now (I should be there in another month).  And then maybe I'll aim for 132 or 130, we'll see.  Exercising is the hardest part, since I still have no energy.  I've been using the myfitnesspal app.  It's great, I love it.  So I'm doing it healthfully, and making sure I'm getting all my needed vitamins.
• There was a little hiccup at work this week.  Well, a big hiccup, but only a small one having to do with me.  I was entering some of the billing wrong, which I discovered a week or so ago.  But I wasn't fixing the error correctly.  So I'm working on going back and fixing that.  I'm meeting with the owner tomorrow, just to update him on that, and show him the processes.
• The big hiccup doesn't have to do with me, except that I'm helping out.  One of the front desk gals, J, is newly pregnant (10 weeks) and has been ridiculously sick.  As in she had to get IV fluids, and she's lost so much weight that her OBGYN said she can't work for at least 3 weeks!  She is the opener for the front desk.  Cue where I come in.  I'm now opening at the main office from 7 til 8 or 9 depending on the day.  Then I go over to the billing office for the rest of the day, barring any complications, in which case, I go back, and help out at the main office.  It's a lot of back and forth, but I don't mind too much.  I actually get to see people this way, since I'm usually all alone at the other office.

Quick re-cap

It was a pretty good week.  I feel like I finally understand what I'm doing at work.  And I'm handling most things on my own, which makes me feel good.

Sometimes Diamond Jim gets wet food.  I have to lock him in the garage when he does.  To keep all the other animals from eating it.  (Moss especially.  He's obese, and doesn't need kitten food).

We went to dinner with Troy last night.  It was really nice to catch up.

I'm really excited about watching to Olympics.  The summer games are the best!

I've been having a flare up for the past few days.  It's miserable.

Movie List

Many of you know, I'm not a huge "movie" person.  I have a hard time sitting still for 2 hours, I get agoraphobic in movie theaters, and I'm pretty cheap ($10+ a ticket is too much).

I was thinking about famous/popular movies I've never seen.  Here's what I came up with:

1. Gone with then Wind
2. Citizen Cane
3. Steel Magnolias
4. Godfather (Part 3) 
5. Casablanca (we watched this in senior English, but I slept through it)
6. It's a Wonderful Life (I may have seen all of this, but not in one sitting)
7. Any of the Indiana Jones movies
8. West Side Story
9. The Matrix (but oddly enough I've seen the 2nd and 3rd ones)
10. Saving Private Ryan
11. The Shining
12. Black Swan
13. The King's Speech
14. Pirates of the Caribbean
15. Million Dollar Baby 

This week

• Aaron was gone to Camp High Sierra (a boy scout camp) for the week, so I was on my own.  Sometimes I enjoy the quiet, but I miss him.
• I managed to take the dogs hiking twice this week, because it wasn't too hot.  One day we did the short loop at Quicksilver.  The other day we hiking part of Sierra Azul with my dad.  Zelda was dragging along.  I'm not sure if she wasn't feeling well, or if she's just getting old.
• Janet and Dennis got the tree in front of our house cut way back.  It looks great.  And I'm no longer worried about its limbs breaking off into the street.  The pile for street pick up was huge!

• I took my Humira yesterday.  It always smashes me after I take it.  And I made a mistake: you're not supposed to take it if you're sick.  If you feel ill, you're supposed to take your temperature before taking it, which I didn't.  Usually after I take it, it kicks my butt for a couple days.  No exceptions this time around.  Also, it knocks the immune system down a little, so I usually stay home; avoid the germ playground that is church.
• I want to revamp my wardrobe.  I hate most of my clothes.  I went to the outlets in Gilroy yesterday.  It was largely a bust.  I found one shirt I liked.  I really hate the clothes for this season.  A weird combination of neon 80's and fringe/hippie/gypsy.  Bleh.  I want basic, but cute, with maybe a vintage flare.  My follow up was to shop more today, but I'm sequestering myself to avoid germs.
• I made a couple things off of Pinterest this week.  Homemade Frosty Paws (dog frozen yogurt treats), and marinated baked tofu.  Both turned out great.  Yay me!
• I miss my sister and my mom.
• I dragged myself to Safeway this morning.  I'm trying to make the house inviting for Aaron's return.  (If I were returning from a week at boy scout camp, I'd want a big choice of food, a clean house, and a nice bed).  We now have a well-stocked fridge.  I don't like going to Safeway, it's expensive and crowded.  But I didn't want to drive far, and Safeway never closes.  I went at 8.30, thinking I'd beat the crowds; I didn't.  And I forgot how expensive it is.  Trader Joes and Sunflower are specialty, but they're way cheaper!  But I did get things that Aaron will like: lunch meat, Mexican coke, diet soda, frozen pizza, bread, apples, baby carrots etc.  Oh and cereal!  I was actually able to buy cereal by his specifications (which is don't pay more than $2 a box).  There was a sale on Kelloggs for $2 a box.  And I bought myself two lobster tails on a whim, they were also on sale.  But they didn't have lima beans.  I've been wanting them lately.

A good day

• Work is going well.  I really like doing the billing.  And I like being in an office by myself most of the day.  It makes things less stressful.
• I had Shirataki Tofu noodles for dinner.  They were pretty good, and have practically no calories (especially compared to pasta).  I think the trick is to dry them really well.  Maybe I'll use the salad spinner next time.
• I made baked tofu earlier this week.  It turned out awesome.  I'm doing round 2 tonight.
• I've lost 4 lbs since I've started counting my calories.  Yay!
• After work I went hiking and took the doggies.  It was pretty good.  Zelda was getting tired.  She's out of shape.  Lazy greyhound.
• My new Adderall is great.  It's extended release, it works great.
• On Saturday I'm going to go to the outlets.  Recently, I hate all my clothes.  Actually I have good jeans, but I need skirts and shirts.  And a new pair of shoes.

Things fall apart

Aaron's been gone for 2 days, up to Boy Scout camp.  And, in that two days, I'm managed to completely destroy the house.  And I'm having a flare up.  Boo to most things.

Aside from those two things, life is actually going ok for the moment.  I'm figuring out all the billing stuff at work.  And we're not in dire straights, money-wise.  And I got some new meds to try.  A different Adderall, and a new anti-depressant (Celexa).  Maybe that will help some.

This morning my brain stopped working.  I leave for work at 6:30 everyday.  And I thought, for some reason, that snoozing til 6:08 would be a great idea.  Then I realized I needed to leave soon.  No shower, no doing my hair.  Fortunately, I get my lunch together and my clothes out the night before.  Yeesh.

Another down day

The last few days in the Keeleyshire have been a bit morose.  I think we've both settled into a depression.  I know Father's Day had more of an effect on Aaron than he let on.  Then Aaron was gone for a couple days this week.  And things have been stressful at work (not bad stressful, just busy stressful).

The clean dishes in the dishwasher had been there since Wednesday.  There was a load of laundry left in the washer (also since Wednesday).  A sink full of dishes.  A basket of clean clothes to be put away (and two empty underwear drawers).  In other words, a messy house.  For those who don't know me well, I can't ignore mess.  I need the house to be clean; clutter makes me anxious.  Yet, somehow, the last few days, it didn't cross my mind much (aside from me wishing it wasn't there).

We spent most of the day napping off and on.  Or sitting around and not doing anything.  It was the opposite of most Saturdays.  (I usually spend the morning cleaning the house and doing laundry).

We did go out at one point, to buy a ThunderShirt for Yoie.  She always gets really scared of fireworks.  Last year, she had an accident, and then hid under the desk, shaking.  There hasn't been much in the way of fireworks today.  Just a few firecrackers off and on.  But the shirt seems to work pretty well so far.

Then we slept more.  In the afternoon we went to the baptism of our friends' son, Will.  It was a little bittersweet.  It's getting more and more difficult (for both Aaron and I) to go to church things, due to the abundance of kids (and babies).  Today was no exception.  And of course, it makes you think about your own progeny (or lack there of).  Aaron handles everything a lot better than I do (or, at least less noticeably).  I started crying on the way home.

On the adoption front... there is nothing.  I'd been emailing back and forth with the rep from LDS family services.  And she painted kind of a bleak picture.  They're not accepting any applications right now, since they're in between social workers.  They'll start accepting again in December.  She said it takes a long time to place babies with families, if at all.   Compared to other private agencies, it's cheap.  However, you pay $1000 just to get in the system.  Then another $1000 yearly, to keep your application active.  And it usually takes 3-4 years (if at all).  I'd rather pay a larger amount up front, and get a baby sooner, rather than stretching it out for years and years.

I'm still really angry that my body has betrayed me.

Misc.

Due to an error in communication, Aaron and I were no together on our anniversary.  It was pretty lame.  He was volunteering at camp.  Maybe we can take a day when Summer is over and do something.  But he'll be back and forth to camp a few more times and then to Dallas for 2 weeks.  Plus, the boss and I need to get the billing department situated, before I can schedule time off.

So here's what I did on our 7th anniversary:

• Woke up at 7, cleaned the house and started laundry
• found a HUGE cockroach in the garage, and trapped it under a cup
• Cleaned more, due to cockroach-induced paranoia
• Went to rest in bed, and read my new Marie Claire, only to find ants.  Then I continued cleaning, and then sprayed bug spray.
• Then I showered
• Saturday was also the company picnic, and since it was at a park, I decided (very stupidly) to bring the dogs.  
• The dogs did ok, until another dog showed up (usually they do ok on neutral territory).  Actually, Zelda did fine, Yoie was the problem
• Thought walking them around would calm them down, so I could tie them to the table and socialize.  
• Ended up sticking them in the car for a few minutes (it was a cool day, but I still hated doing it).  And ended up leaving before getting to eat.
• Came home, ate cookies and a banana and took a two hour nap.
• Watched several episodes of Taboo on Netflix, and then decided I didn't have the perfect pink nail polish.
• Went to Target, bought said polish.  Stopped at Panda Express to buy myself a fancy anniversary dinner.
• Ate, painted my nails, and watched more Taboo, before switching to an Auschwitz documentary.
• Aaron called to get directions to a Walmart in Livermore, to keep a ladder from flying off of the truck.
• 11pm, went to bed.

So it wasn't really what I would have wanted.  And there were way too many bugs in the house.

I ended up staying home from church today.  I haven't been feeling well for a week.  And I took Hurima this week.  So the idea of being exposed to 100+ people's germs was not too appealing.  And I took a nap, which was nice.

Procrastination

I hate procrastination.  In school I always finished my essays early, so I wouldn't have to panic at the last minute.  It's not an environment I thrive in.  Plus, I like to do things well, and doing them last minute usually doesn't lead to quality.  At least not for me.

Yet,

I'm teaching ladies' Sunday school tomorrow, and don't have much ready.  I've read the lesson, but I haven't really started putting anything together yet.  Plus I always bring treats, which I also haven't put together.  I've sent Aaron to the grocery store to get Jelly Belly's for my treat.  It's too hot, and I don't feel like baking.

Yeesh.  I do not like confrontation.  Our neighbours have a giganto Camphor tree.  It's complete destroyed our driveway.  Aaron's folks (who own our house) have talked (well, mentioned) to the neighbours about getting rid of the tree.  Tonight, we noticed a huge limb that is broken in the tree, waiting to fall into the driveway.  So I went to tell my in laws (because now we can't park in the driveway).  And my father in law sort of laid into the neighbour.  She kept saying, oh, the tree is healthy.  He'd say, yeah, but it's destroying my house.  So he said the limb needs to be taken care of on Monday, and the tree needs to be removed asap ("it's been going on too long!").

We did 5 loads of laundry today, and didn't use the dryer at all.  It was 96 here, so the clothes dried on the line really quickly.  Yay.

I'm having a down day.  I realized that aside from one, all the other couples we know who weren't suppose to be able to have kids (or not have them easily), have had kids (naturally, I might add).  I know I should be happy for them.  And I am, but I'm also jealous.  Why does everyone else get the blessing of children?  It's hard.

I did a silly thing.  I forgot to check my meds.  I'm down to a handful of Asacol (my main Crohns drug) and a few Prozac.  I placed my order yesterday, so hopefully they'll be here by tomorrow or Saturday.  Now that I've ordered them through the mail, I'm not sure how easily I can get them from the pharmacy.  But, if I really get in a pinch, I'll drive to Kaiser and see what I can do.

It's been a really busy week at work.  But I feel like I'm starting to get a handle on billing stuff.

My guts have still been hurting off and on.

The birthday that wasn't.

I think I'm going to have to do a birthday do-over.

First off, I was/am in the middle of a flare up.  So my guts hurt, I didn't want to eat (because when you eat, they hurt more).


Maybe I should start off with the happier stuff.  I got a lot of nice gifts.  Aaron gave me a Kindle Fire.  My mom got me a Citizen Eco watch.  So that was all nice.  And I took the day off work, and set up a hair appointment.

Before:

After:

Lighter, a little shorter and bangs.  Yay.

After that Aaron and I had planned to go out to lunch.  But I felt too crappy.  So I got a Jamba Juice, and he got real food.

Then we were off to Kaiser.  I started on Humira.  So I needed to pick it up and then go to the injection clinic to learn how to use it.  I was concerned about the price, because Humira is very expensive.  But... my 8 40-mg syringes came to $35.  I looked at the receipt to see how much I saved with my insurance.  The list price was $3500!  Holy crap.  I am so glad I have insurance (and good insurance at that).

Then we walked upstairs to the injection clinic.  The nurse was telling me about what to do, how to prep, etc.  I made Aaron come, so he'd know how to do it, in case I wanted him to.  

This is how it goes:
2 shots yesterday
2 shots today
2 shots in two weeks
1 shot every two weeks following

I have to do the shots subcutaneously, so in the tummy or upper thigh.  I chose tummy.  It hurt.  And then after the second one, I had a vasovagal response.  I could hear the rushing in my ears, I starting sweating, and I thought I was going to barf.  The nurse ran off to find a blood pressure cuff.  I told Aaron to find me a trash can.  "What?"  I said "I think I'm going to throw up.  Trash can!  Trash can!  TRASH CAN!"  I did dry heave twice, but no barf.  Then I had to lay down for a while.  And drink grape juice.

Aaron had to go back to work for a meeting, and didn't come home til after 9.30.  :-/  I rested at home for a bit.  Then went to the mall for a while.  Depression started creeping in.  I went home and had a bit of a break down.

So all in all not great.  I think July 6th or 7th I'll have a birthday do-over.  The cake and going out to dinner and some fun activity, and actually seeing my husband.  

Bleh

I turn 29 in 2 days.  O_o  Not sure how I feel about this.  There is certainly more I wanted to accomplish by 29: have a college degree, have (procure) a baby, be able to travel...  But there are a lot of other things: we live in a nice house, we have doggies (and catties) (all rescues), I haven't eaten a land animal in over three years, and I haven't had sugar in 10+ days!

I'm starting Humira on Wednesday.  Not sure how I feel about that either.  Self-injectables don't sound great.  Plus I'm not sure how much it's going to cost.  And I still have to continue my other drug regiment.  I think that's the worst part.  I was hoping it would replace some of them.  And it will, in 3-4 months, but for now, lots and lots of drugs.  I just want to be well again.  I want to stop having flare-ups.  I want to not have to worry about running to the bathroom and not making it.  And maybe not be exhausted all the time.

This and that

Things have been pretty good lately.

On Friday at work, one of the patients gave the owner a huge compliment about the whole staff.  That was awesome.  After work, Aaron and I went to dinner with Jomanda, which was great, because we hadn't seen them in a long time.  (Well, them as a couple, I'd seen Amanda not too long before).

Saturday was our first day of doing food pick up for church.  Our church had a Food Kitchen with donated items from Whole Foods, Fresh and Easy, Zanottos, and maybe some other places.  Some of the items are "spoilage" (close to the sell by date), some are over-stock and brand new, and a few dented cans, or torn boxes.  One of the amazing old ladies started this a few years ago, and it's expanded enough that hey can give food to the three congregations that meet on Sundays and an additional opening on Thursday morning for the community (though, I suppose they could come Sundays as well).  Typical items include: all sorts of fancy bread (various bakery loafs, and expensive healthy breads), cold case items (picnic salads, pre-packed salads, soups, puddings, etc), fresh made items (pizzas, sandwiches), produce, baked goods (pies, krispy kremes, cookies, etc), dairy (milk, yogurt, cottage cheese) and non-perishables (canned goods, cereals, different flours and baking goods, soy milk, rice, etc).  It's a great program.  It's helped us out quite a bit.  A few different people go to different stores on different days.  Aaron was asked to go to Whole Foods on Saturdays at 5:15.  (It actually turns out 5:30 is better).  The store will bring out cart loads of things that would otherwise be tossed.  For example, we got milks, that have a sell-by of 6-5.  Also, the various delivery trucks will give you things too.  We had several bread trucks give us quite a bit of bread.  We filled up my car (and will be borrowing my dad's van from now on).  The perk of doing this (aside from being charitable) is that you get first pick of the food.  (We were told the verse from Deut. 25:4: Thou shalt not muzzle the ox when he treadeth out the corn).  So we got some, and some for Aaron's folks.  And since we'll be using my dad's van, I'll bring him a couple things too (he requested nice bread, kefir (though I'm not sure I've seen kefir), and cold case goods.  


Aaron can't do it every Saturday, but I can.  And I don't mind getting up early.  Plus my FiL volunteered to go when Aaron couldn't.  So I think it'll be pretty good.  The key is to not make the employees (or delivery guys) wait for you, and to always be nice, and say thank you.  (Since it's actually easier for them to throw it away).  So I'm pretty excited about this.  It helps the community, creates less waste, and stretches out food budget.


After getting up at 4:30 to do the Food Kitchen, we headed out to Big Basin to do a 12 mile hike.  It's my favourite hike, but it's hard to plan.Skyline to the Sea Trail to Waddell Beach 
One Way. 

What to see: Spectacular views! 
Location: The Whole Park, Mid Park areas, Pacific Ocean. 
Trailhead: Across the street from Park Headquarters, at the large Redwood Trail Marker, cross bridge at Opal Creek Comfort Station, turn left. 
Length: ~12.5 miles~20 kms 
Time: ~6 hours 
Elevation: ~+/-1000' 

As you can see from the map, you need a car parked at "A" and another car at the read star.  As you can also see, it's not a quick or easy drive to get from one to the other.  A guy my dad works with organizes it, and we get to tag along.  I'm wiped out today.  Super tired, stiff, sore.  We went to sleep before 10, (it's 8.30 now) and Aaron is still asleep.

In the bad news column, I think Yoie might have a UTI, so I'm going to call the vet when they open at 10.  She's peed in the house more than usual.  (Once right in front of me).  And last night she asked to go out, and peed 4 drops.  So not good signs.

The haps.

This morning, Aaron, the doggies and I went over 17 to Henry Cowell State Park for some hiking.  We did the same route I did two weeks ago.  It went well.  It was pretty cool, maybe around 60, but it was nice.  We all came home and crashed.  I'm sure I'll be sore.  I really don't get enough exercise.

Last night we had a date night.  We got dinner at Chilis, and saw The Avengers.  I had an agoraphobia attack at the beginning of the movie.  It calmed down a bit.  The movie was meh.  I'm not sure why everyone is going coo-coo-bananas over it.

I'm doing a new "diet"  Not really a diet, but I'm trying to change the way I eat.  Sugar is out.  No white sugar, brown sugar, high fructose corn syrup(HFCS) etc.  Natural sugars are ok (eg the ones already in food, fruit sugars, milk, etc).  I have a serious sugar addiction.  And the best way I can think of fixing it, is just cutting it out entirely.  (Plus my blog-friend, reduced her sugar intake to one treat a month, and has lost 10 lbs over two months, without any other changes).  I've also been reading about the glycemic index.  And I want to lower the foods like spike glucose (without doing "low carb").  So aside from no more sugar, I'm cutting out more white starches.  No white flour, white bread, potatoes, white pasta, corn etc.  I found some whole wheat pasta which looks appalling, but I'll give it a shot.  So that means reading a lot of ingredients.  Sprouted wheat or wheatberry bread seems to be a good choice; as is rye or barley bread.  Cereal has been harder.  I eat a lot of cereal.  It turns out it's really hard to find cereal without added sugar.  Most all mainstream cereals are out, no Wheaties, Cheerios etc.  I found a Kashi granola that's ok.  Something called Uncle Sam, which is not very tasty.  And some flax flakes I haven't tried yet.  I also found it's difficult to find salad dressing without sugar or HFCS.

These are my current staple foods:
Low fat plain Greek yogurt
fresh fruit (mainly apples, but also apricots, nectarines and mangoes)
Dark/ dense breads (rye, and Daily Bread from TJs (no sugar, HFCS, or white anything)
TJs all peanut peanut butter (the only ingredient is peanuts, no salt, oil etc)
Eggs (mostly hard boiled)
Raw Almonds
frozen blueberries
salad (and various veggies: carrots, celery peppers etc)

I'm not weighing myself to start, but I know about what I weigh.

I'm also going to try to get in more exercise.  It's hard because I'm still tired all the time.

God Bless You.

I was on my way home, after work, and after stopping at Trader Joes.  As I pulled up to the intersection, I saw a man with a sign.  I didn't actually read the sign, the only thing I saw was "HOMELESS".  And by some miracle, I actually had cash.  So I pulled out a couple dollars.  Then I asked him if he wanted a piece of fruit (since I just came from the store, and the front seat was full of groceries).  He seemed surprised that I'd offer.  I wanted to give him an apple.  But the light changed before I found them, so I gave him an un-ripe nectarine.  (At which point I felt really bad, because aside from it not being ripe yet, he also didn't have a lot of teeth).  He said "Thank you!  God bless you.  Have a good night".

All I could think as I drove away was that God has already blessed me.  I'm able to give to people.  I have an abundance of food.  I have enough money that I can be picky about what I buy and eat.  I have a home.  I have wonderful pets who only want food and love (not always in that order).  I have a wonderful, hardworking husband.

Then as I drove on Let My Love Open the Door came on the radio.  Perfect, no?

Yoie

We'd been out a little over an hour.  Visiting grandma and baby Isaac.  When we came home, Yoie was acting like she was having a seizure.  There was a lot of vomit around.  She was convulsing, and her mouth was foaming.  I scooped her up and squeezed her for a couple minutes.  (Some months ago, something similar happened, but it only lasted five minutes, then she was ok, just tired.  When we mentioned it to the vet, he said, since it hadn't happened before, she'd likely eaten a spider or bee.)  But after a couple minutes, she wasn't any better, so off to the emergency vet we went.  It was 3.45, and I was pretty sure our normal vet closed at 4.  She was very unsteady in the car.  Still drooling, still shaking.

When we got there they whisked her to the back.  After a while, they said they'd started her on an IV to replace her fluids, and given her some Valium (Vicodin?) to help her.  When the vet came in to talk to us, he wasn't sure if it was a toxicity issue or a neurological issue.  They're going to keep her overnight, and do some other stuff.

Aaron went to visit her again.  I can't do it.  I hate that I can't.  But we saw her before we left.  And she was just so sad.  She had this look that said "please, please, please take me home.  Please."  It felt awful to leave her.  So I didn't think I could do it again.  It sounds weird, but she's my dog.  I sort of consider Zelda to be Aaron's dog, and Yoie to be mine.  And she's bonded more to me, she's my little baby.  I'm her mommy.  She's always super protective of me, and I feel like I can't do anything more to help her.

The vet said she seems to be improving.  But they still don't know what's wrong.  I just want her to come home.

Bullets!

• Aaron's been sick all week, but only missed one day of work.  I've been sleeping in the guest room to avoid his germs.  I made him go to urgent care, to make sure he didn't have strep.  (He didn't).  And fortunately, urgent care is only $50 with his insurance.  But we need to find him a GP.  
• I got up at 6am today.  Not sure why.  But I have gotten a lot done.
• Yesterday, after work, we went to Ikea.  It was like a date.  I guess.  We love Ikea.  We got some gifts for Isaac's baptism next week (though we're not certain if you bring gifts).  Then we looked in the GPS and found an Il Fornaio nearby.  But the wait was an hour, so we went across the street to California Pizza Kitchen.  That was very yummy.  But neither of us had pizza.  Then we wondered around Oakridge for a bit.  We were going to go to Cheesecake Factory for dessert, but the wait was 30 minutes (at 8.45), so we got some gelato and went home.
• I did 15 minutes of yoga earlier this week.  I'm still sore.  Guess, I need to do it more often.
• In the end of July/beginning of August, Aaron has to go to Dallas for 2 weeks for training.  Bleh.  Long trip.  
• On Thursday, I turned too sharply and quickly going into the parking lot at work.  And I hit the curb.  And heard a huge boom.  I thought I killed the front of my car.  It really sounded like I hit the bumper, or grill.  I actually only killed the tire.  There was a quarter-sized hole in it.  Aaron came and picked it up (that was the day he was sick), and took it to the tire store.  Fortunately, the tire was still under warranty from America's Tire Co.  And I didn't do any other damage.   

End of an era...

For our whole marriage, (nearly seven years) Aaron has either been in school, or applying for/working towards school.  (Our first year he finished his BA at SJSU, 2006-2009 we were in Utah at BYU while he worked on an MA, 2009-2012 JD from UC Hastings).  Now, for the first time in our married lives, neither of us are students (though I was only a student the first 6 months, then I started my hiatus).  It's a weird feeling.  He's not commuting to San Francisco every day.  There is no studying for tests, or writing papers.  It's nice.

It just keeps on coming.

More good news.

I'm getting a promotion at work!  Well, the office manager called it a lateral move.  But the big boss/owner called it a promotion.  So I'm going to go with that.  Starting July 1, I'll be doing the billing for work.  We were/are currently out sourcing our billing.  So I'll have a separate office, near by.  And I'll get to learn cool new things.  I'm pretty excited.

Good news for people who love good news.

Aaron got a job.  Aaron got a job before graduation.  Aaron got a job he's excited about.  And one I think he'll be good at.

It started about a month ago.  He got a mass e-mailer about a job working as a professional scouter, the email was sent to all the local eagle scouts.  So he talked to his friend Dylan who works as a professional scouter.  Sent in a resume and cover letter.  It seems like it took a while to hear back, but they set up an interview.  That seemed to go well, he did a lot of research.  Then it took a while to hear back again.  Then a second and third interview were set up.  And we found out it was between him and another guy from San Diego.

Thursday was the final interview, they said they'd let him know by early next week.  They called him later the same day, to say, if he wanted the job, it was his!

So he'll be a district executive for the Boy Scouts of America of Santa Clara County.  The office is about 5 miles from our house.  The job includes full beneys, and extra pay for driving, and phone.  He's going see if it would be cost effective to have me on his insurance, since I have mine through work.

He starts Wednesday.  So that it definitely a load off my shoulders.  And I'm really proud of him for having a good job before graduation.  He's a rock star!

Bullet Post

• I just took my last dose of pills for the day.  Hmm, I wonder how many pills I take daily... 1+4+1+...  22!  That's the base, not including if I take allergy meds, sleeping pills, or Tylenol.  Yikes.  
• Work has been stressful this week.  No particular reason, aside from me having more things to do, than time to get them done.  I'm mostly caught up now, I think tomorrow I can fully catch up.
• It's bird season, or something.  We've been sleeping with our window open, and there are birds that sing all night long.  It's odd.  Though I like listening to them sing.
• I had my dental check up today.  No cavities!  I thought for sure they'd find something, since I had x-rays this time.  And I usually have at least one thing that needs fixing.  There's one spot they're watching, but if I brush well, it'll be ok on it's own.
• Aaron's biological grandma passed away on Sunday.  Her funeral is on Thursday.  I won't be able to go, but Aaron is going to try.  (He has a job interview in the morning, and the service is in Dixon, about 2 hours from here).  
• I'm watching the Biggest Loser finale.  I'm glad it's the last episode.  It's been a long season, but I had to see it through.  :-P

And now for something slightly different

A few interesting things lately:

The women had a 2-hour meeting about pornography at church on Sunday.  I was honestly expecting to leave shortly after it started, since it's a waste of time.  Surprisingly, I stayed for the whole presentation.  Nothing new there.  And I was a little disappointed that human trafficking wasn't mentioned.  I got nothing out of it, in terms of its actual aims.  However, I did get something out of it.  There was part where a plan of action was mentioned.  (The plan of action to end porn addiction was something like going to 12-step meetings, seeing a counselor, setting boundaries etc).  I realized I could use the plan of action as a base for myself with depression.  (Since, like addiction, depression also changes the pathways and thought processes).  So I made a plan of action for myself.  It includes: daily prayer (something I'm not too good at), asking for help when I need it (something else I'm not good at), seeking opportunities to serve/ do good/ help others, keep taking my meds and seeing my counselor and shrink, exercise on a near daily basis, and concentrate on now.

I got a very kind note/letter from a complete stranger.  I posted a comment on my friend's facebook (she posted an article about infertility).  This woman, who I'm guessing is a relative of my friend, wrote me a very long message.  About her experiences with infertility, and how she overcame her struggles/depression surrounding it.  It was really nice, and very useful.

I've been catching up on my scripture reading.  At the beginning of the year, I found a plan online to read all the LDS standard works in a year (The Old and New Testament, The Book of Mormon, The Doctrine and Covenants, and the Pearl of Great Price), roughly 2000 pages of scripture.  For about 2 months I was right on track.  Then I fell over a month behind.  When I started up again, I wasn't sure I'd be able to catch up, since I was at least 150 pages behind.  But, due to some long reading sessions, and diligence, I'm almost caught up.  It's April 30th, and I'm on April 24th for the Bible and April 17th for the Book of Mormon.  So I'm getting closer.  I'm hoping to be completely caught up by the end of the week.  And then stay of track (of course).

On Sunday I met with my bishop.  I needed to talk to him about my disdain for ladies Sunday school, and the fee for my counseling.  Since the counseling is done through some arm of the church, there is assistance in paying for it, if you can't afford it.  When I talked to him originally, the fee was $90.  I said I thought I could pay $50 a session.  Then I realized I'd be going weekly, and wasn't sure I could afford the fees.  So I talked to him, and he said my father-in-law offered to pay for it.  :Quelle surprise!:  He knows we're having money issues (as in we're running out, quickly), but we didn't ask for him to pay it.  I'd really only mentioned it in passing.  So that was a nice surprise.  I didn't get much help on my ladies Sunday school issue.  But I didn't expect too much advice on that.

The bit of bad news is that I'm still flaring up with the Crohns.  So Humira is likely in my future.

I'm actually feeling a little hopeful.  Which hasn't happened in quite a while.

More of the same...

Aaron has some job prospects.  He has his 2nd, and 3rd interviews with the Boy Scouts next week.  It's down to him and one other guy.  He has a test with the county sheriff's department on Saturday.  Plus a few other things he's been looking into.  He won't be taking the BAR, at least for a few years.
Here's why: After law school, he'd sign up for a BAR prep course.  This costs somewhere in the neighbourhood of $5000 (which we do not have), so we'd have to get a private loan for that.  The BAR prep is essentially a full time job (and then some), which means no working, which means more loans. Then after he takes the BAR, he'd work in an unpaid internship until the results come back, in November.  Then, he can finally start applying for paying jobs, but would still need to do the unpaid internship until he got a job.  So it would be at least 8 months, likely longer, with no job.  So it's a no go.  But maybe in a few years, when the type of legal job he wants is more available.

My Crohns is flaring up again.  It's making me grouchy.  And it's painful, of course.  And, it likely means I'll have to switch to Humira or Remicade soon.

We're starting to get our adoption stuff together.  Basically, as soon as Aaron is employed we're going to turn in the papers.  I had a form for my GI to fill out.  He'll basically write that I can't get pregnant, due to my Crohns, and then we'll be in review.  And a long process will begin.

Speaking of babies, we were just made God-Parents of Aaron's cousin's son.  Woot.  So we'll go to his baptism next month.

I got Aaron a new Timbuk2 bag for graduation.  When we found out he was going to law school, and would be commuting so much we decided to get him a Timbuk2 bag.  (They're usually used by cyclists and bike messengers, and are nearly indestructible, and thus, are kind of pricey).  We were at the BYU sports shop and saw some Timbuk2 bags on sale (for $75).  We got him a nice eggplant one (purple is his favourite colour).  I found a nice one of clearance at the Timbuk2 website for $79, and it's grey and purple.  He loved it.  :-)

More of the same

• I started seeing my new shrink, Marjan, this week.  She's from LDS family services.  I'll be seeing her once a week for a while.  Hopefully that will be helpful.  
• My guts have started to hurt again.  Do not like.
• I've still been sad.
• I thought I had more to say.  I guess I don't.

The weekly update

The natural eating went pretty well.  I think I'm going to try to continue.  It just takes a lot of planning.  And a lot of reading: looking for recipes, checking out ingredients, some nutritional-type research, etc.  I did it Monday-Friday evening.  On Friday we had a work outing, so yeah.  Then today I didn't eat clean.  I just needed a break.  That sounds stupid, oh well.   I think if I continue it, I'll need to do some cooking on the weekend, make ahead meals and freezer meals.  But I don't have the energy today.

 Plus I'm teaching in Relief Society tomorrow.  A stupid, jokey comment was made about a homeless member last week, it really rubbed me the wrong way.  I'm not really sure what to do though.  I should have just said something right then, instead of being silent.

I finally got a call from the LDS counseling services.  And I have an appointment on Wednesday.  So we'll see how that goes.  It's $50 a visit, which leads into the next topic...

Money, and how we have none.  We're already a month behind in rent.  And Aaron told his folks that we'll be unable to pay until he has a job (it's nice to have family as landlords).  I did the math yesterday, and even if we had (and kept) a very tight budget we're still about $150 short of what we need each month with what I earn.  Our "savings" (if you can call them that) are dwindling quickly.  But Aaron has some good job things on the horizon, and he may be able to work some jobs with his dad.  It's just scary.  And certainly doesn't help with depression and anxiety.  

more of the same

That's how it goes, I guess.  Just the lows.  I've been reading a lot.

The weather was nice today, so I line-dried most of the clothes.  I like being able to do that.

I'm doing a "natural" diet next week.  No preservatives, no high fructose corn syrup, no added sugar, no ingredients where I don't know what they are.  (Which is really annoying, because Xanthan Gum is in everything, and I only sort of know what it is...).  I bought lots of good food though: plain yogurt, eggplant, mango, oranges, bananas, pears, kiwis, quinoa, fresh salsa, tofu, 7-grain hot cereal, etc.  So I'll be eating things like beans and rice with salsa, omlettes with spinach and mushroom, soup, large salads (with olive oil, vinegar and lemon), bread with peanut butter (I got the all natural kind, you have to stir, yuck) and granny apple slices, etc.

My allergies have been terrible.  I really need to get some Zyrtec-D.  Sudefed and Benedryl aren't cutting it anymore.

I did these drawing in conte crayons during conference.  I think the one of Yoie is better, but not too bad.  Especially considering I haven't done this stuff in... 6+ years.

Getting out of my comfort zone.

I've been trying to push myself a little this week.  My shrink suggested it.  So I've been doing things I don't want to do.  For example, I exercised 2 days this week.  Friday, after work I drove up and met Aaron at the temple.  Today I had a voicemail from a lady in the ward inviting me to go to Panera with her and some others during men's conference.  I would normally have just ignored something like this.  My agoraphobia has been worse lately.  And I'm not the best at social situations, interacting with people.  Especially Mormon women, at times.  Generally I'm way more liberal than any of the others I come across (which isn't saying much, because I'm not overly liberal by mainstream standards... actually, maybe that says a lot).  But I had fun, and was glad I went.

But generally I still feel like I'm sinking.  Becoming more withdrawn.

Also my coworker/best buddy left for maternity leave on Thursday.  I spent more time with her than anyone (just by virtue of being in the same place for hours a day).  So that's kind of a bummer.

I went with the Depo Shot.  We'll see how it goes.

More bullets

• I'm not sure what I think of Concerta yet.  It seems to be ok, but I'm still tired.  I assume these things take time to work.
• Yesterday Zelda got her yearly shots and an anal gland draining.  She was sad.  And the vaccines have made her more tired and lazy then usual.
• I could not get out of bed this morning.  I actually thought about calling in to work.  Then I thought better of it.  I called LDS family services yesterday.  But apparently they're as backed up as Kaiser.  That means no talk therapy for Rachel for a while.  I just kind of feel like I'm sinking deeper and deeper.  Every now and then I have the thought "I can kick this.  I can be in control of my mind/thoughts/feelings".  But it is fleeting.  Then when I need it, the motivation is gone.
• Don't worry, few readers, I'm not suicidal. I'm not doing any form of self harm.  I just want to not exist.  Which usually results in being on (of/in) the couch or bed.  Sometimes reading.
• I really need to force myself to walk outside everyday.  It's more difficult now, because it's cold and rainy.  
• I got a letter from a friend the other day.  My friend is graduating from university.  Friend is my age, has had a share (or two) of struggles, and wasn't sure finishing school was in the cards (though, was continually trying).  I have to say, this graduation notice made me so happy and proud.  Things have been going so much better for my friend, and this is just icing on the cake.  I feel a bit guilty though.  Because I should just be happy for my friend.  But also, it gives me reason to hope.  Some of our issues are/were similar (some very different), but it gives me hope that things can get better.

Hello weekend.

• I picked up a new Rx today.  We're switching my Ritalin to Concerta.  It's longer lasting, and a higher dose.  I guess it's pretty similar to Adderall.  Hopefully it will help.  I hate being so sleepy all the time.  I think it's called hypersomnia.  
• Next week I have my yearly with my ObGyn.  I think I'm going to ask for an IUD.  Since it's going to be a long time before we can maybe have kids.  We'll see what she says.  Maybe Norplant? I'll discuss it and see what my options are.
• This week was pretty good.  Work was busy, I got to see Aaron a lot.  But I didn't exercise much.  I really need to, but yeah... I need to be able to wake up for that to happened.
• I joined Pinterest.  

Things are improving

Naked Bike Ride in SF

I've been mostly feeling better lately.  But things are going well at the moment.

New bullets

Love this girl.

• My sister is here!  Yay. 
• We went to SF after she arrived yesterday and wandered around a bit.  She got a picture of the naked bike ride (not us, some other people, we don't ride bikes naked).
• We went to the fancy mall and looked at things we could never afford.
• We're still nailing down plans for the rest of the week.

Gratitude for a change

Just a list:

• I have a solid knowledge that the Lord loves me, will not give me anything I can't handle, and is watching out for me.
• A hard-working and very understanding husband
• Sister time in less than a week.
• Doggy and kitty snuggles
• Things that are pink.

The random list of things from today.

• I took Diamond Jim to the vet, because he'd been barfing all week.  He was a very good boy.  And on the way home, I let him out of the crate in the car, which he liked a lot.  Anyway, he has some GI issues, just like his mommy.  So he's on some meds and special diet.
• The weather was wonderful today.  I've had the windows open for most of the afternoon.  My house smells like steak.  It's kind of making me hungry, despite not having eaten steak in 3+ years.
• Aaron went to the city to play D&D with his friends.  So I was on my own.
• I went to my dad's to clean and get things ready for my sister, who's coming in a week.  (EEE!)
• My crohns has been very under control lately.  I think we finally have a regiment that is going to work.
• However, my depression is getting much worse.  All I want to do in lay in bed all day.  And/or cry.  But I force myself to do the necessary things.  I'm going to talk to the bishop tomorrow to see if I can get a referral to an LDS therapist.  (Usually they're cheaper than regular ones, and they can give me a religious perspective too.  But my thoughts have been scaring me lately.  Like driving home I thought, I can drive real fast into that lamp post, and maybe that would do it.  I don't think I'd actually commit any self-harm.  But the fact that I keep thinking about it frightening.
• My grandpa isn't dying.  He just had a bleeding ulcer.
• I line dried a bunch of clothes today.  It's awesome.
• I wish I could read, or pronounce Welsh.
• Somewhere in my cleaning adventures today, I really hurt my back.  I asked Aaron to get some topical muscle relaxant on his way home.
• Despite being in pain, and not wanting to, I took the dogs on a long walk.  Well, not long, 2.2 miles, but they haven't done that distance in quite a while.  So they're happy, and pooped.

Bad to worse

Things are not going well at work. That's all I'll say about it for now.

I had another baby dream last night.  For some reason, the baby had the same name as the cat, Diamond Jim.  But he was a great baby.  I'm not sure if I should love or hate these dreams, but they're the closest things I have, for now.

I awoke at 5:45 to the sounds of Diamond Jim barfing.  Again.  Fortunately he has an appointment with Dr Bath today.  He's been barfing, off and on for almost a week, maybe longer.  Plus he's already so thin...

My sister comes into town a week from today!  I'm super excited to see her.  We were planning on getting tattoos (our first) but we've likely both chickened out.  As in, I haven't made a appointment.  I guess we'll see.

My depression is getting worse.  And unfortunately, my appointment with the shrink got moved out to May.  Ugh.  I think I'll send him an email in the mean time.  My thoughts are scaring me a little.  

Today was a crappy day.  Basically it went like this:
Aaron found out he didn't get a job we were both really hoping for, I found out my grandpa is probably dying, Aaron has a sinus infection and is still contagious, my co-worker's dad was just diagnosed with ALS, and is declining rapidly, Aaron is losing hope on the job front.  I can't be the optimistic one.  I want to be, but it doesn't happen.

That is all.

What has been up

• Last night I fell asleep on the couch at 8:30. Aaron told me to go to bed at 10.  I slept straight til 8am, when the alarm went off; then snoozed til 8:30.  12 hours?!  Really?!  Oh, and I'm still tired.
• We worked on a home improvement project yesterday.  Our kitchen doesn't have enough storage, so we've been using an open wood shelf as a pantry.  Yesterday we bought a cabinet from Target.  It was boring white, so I told Aaron, I wanted to paint the doors like Mondrian.  He said ok, but then suggested we use chalkboard paint, and make the doors a message center.  I liked this better.  We also bought an extra shelf from Home Depot, and new pulls, because the ones it comes with are ugly.  I hurt my back helping Aaron move it.  But the first one went together easily, and we liked it, so we went back and bought another.  When Aaron was almost done building it, it fell over, and thus new issues started.  One of the doors folded under, the hinge broke, we had a hard time finding a replacement hinge, blah blah.  It's become a hassle.  But the first cabinet is nearly done.  It needs one more coat of paint.  Yay.
• I did better after my breakdown day.  Sunday was pretty good.  Stake conference was good.  The agoraphobia is still there, which is hard.  But I muddle through.
• The other thing we did yesterday was take Zelda to the vet.  She had been limping, so we'd been not walking here much. Then she started yelping, and wincing.  I was worried it would be an ACL, or torn tendon.  But Dr Bath is pretty sure it's hip arthritis, he said we could do an x-ray is we wanted to be certain, but it keeps our cost lower to skip it (for now, at least).  So she got a pain shot, some antinflamitories, and a laser treatment.  It was under $200, which is very good.  But she has to go back for more lasers, for the next few days/couple weeks.

Not sure why, but things have been extra hard lately.  Today was bad.  I hate it.  It feels like it's getting worse, not better.  Aaron managed to get me out of the house a couple times today and got me to help him with a couple projects.  Mostly, I just was on the couch.  Then, eventually, I started sobbing, so I went to lay down in our room.  After willing myself to get up for over an hour, I did.  And showered, and ate some cereal.

I don't know what it is.  I'm tired of seeming like/being a crazy person.

I can't put it into words.  Especially without it reading back super emo, or stupid.  Plus no one wants to read that.

I sent Aaron off to Stake conference without me.  Last time we went, it was all about the importance of being a parent, and having kids, and dealing with wayward kids.  ...  -_-  I think if I had to hear stuff like that today, well, I wouldn't make it to somewhere private before breaking down.

More of the same

Not too much happening.  I'm looking forward to the upcoming 3 day weekend.

We got our State tax refund, now I'm just waiting on the Fed.

I finally took my car in for repair today.  (After that fender bender in December?)  I'm driving a Corolla in the meantime.  Kind of boring, I was hoping for a tiny car, at least a 2 door.  Oh well.

We haven't been to the temple this year.  I feel like a lameo.  But when Saturday rolls around, I just want to do nothing. Once I'm working the early shift, we'll be able to go during the week sometime.

I'm still tired all the time.  I slept 11 hours both weekend days.  And was still sleepy.  But I did manage to stay for all 3 hour of church on Sunday.

Political blah-blah.

I don't usually like to post political stuff, especially on Facebook.  It just makes for too much contention.

That being said:

Hi, I'm Rachel, I'm Mormon, and I would not vote for Mitt Romney.

I'm one of the few mormon dissenters.  I like his policies from when he was governor, but I guess those were all errors, and he's learned since then.  :eye roll:

Here is where I stand: If you have more money, you should pay more taxes.  (I'll pay more taxes too, but I don't make much money, so it doesn't amount to much).  Social programs, and lots of em'.  More funding for public education (basic, and higher).  More funding for health services.  A more prevalent socialized medical system.  Pro-choice (that being said, I abhor abortion "just because", but I also don't believe I should get to decide for the whole country).  And, in general, more governmental/business regulation.  

Most of the time I vote Democrat, but I have voted Republican before.  I'm open to it in the future, but not for Mitt.  However, I do think Mitt is infinitely better than Newt.  

Words from the docs

My GI wants me to try the 6MP for another month, since it's only been 2.5 weeks.  At that point, he said, we can switch to Humira if it's still no bueno.

My shrink called me today.  I sent him an email since I've been feeling so crappy.  He want me to try to stay with the Prozac for another month, but to double the dose (up to 40mg a day).  That's a hefty dose, but not huge.  Patients with really bad depression take 70-80mg daily.  He said it should help with the anxiety, and depression. After a month, if I'm still feeling the same (or God forbid, worse) then we'll try something new.

I've been trying to stay busy, as much as I don't want to be.  After work I bought groceries.  I'm making Aaron a meatloaf as I try this.  Hopefully it'll be good, it's been over 3 years since I made meatloaf, but it smells good.  I'm making oven potatoes to go along.  I thought about baking cookies too, but I don't think I will tonight.  Maybe tomorrow.

I keep thinking about chopping my hair off.  But I decided I need to wait til my head is right before making a decision.

On being a crazy person.

That's how I feel lately.  Depression has come back, big time.  I have no motivation to do anything, aside from sit on the couch, or go to bed.  I don't want to clean, shower, cook, go out, anything.  Yesterday I forced myself to go shopping with some free time I had (and GCs and coupons). I found some cute things, and did ok once I got out.  But not great, everything just felt... off.  Then I had to take the dogs for a walk, which I also didn't want to do.  I've been putting it off for days, or making Aaron go alone.  Once I was out with them, i got really agoraphobic.  I just had to get home, and couldn't get there quick enough.  This continued and morphed into an anxiety attack.  One that persisted through 10mg of Ambien.

I had another anxiety/agoraphobia incident at church today.  But I made myself stay, because I know by giving in, it would only make things worse.

I emailed my shrink to see about swapping my meds around, and hoping that might help.  I can't really have these issues right now.  I need to work, I need to be out of the house, and functional.

It's been a hard week.  I can't begrudge people for getting pregnant, especially when they're married and all.  But I feel like I am begrudging others.  I especially hate it when people talk about how aggravating their kids are.   I know they can be... But it's just a smack in the face to all of us who desperately want them.  It's been hard on Aaron too, but he keeps it to himself, most of the time.  It seems like every time I feel like I have this under control, it goes spinning out of control once more.

I'm finally over whatever virus I had.  I got up to walk a couple days this week.  I still need to work on getting up.

I met with a dietitian this week.  That was very useful.  Most of my previous calories were junk calories.  So she gave me some goals in terms of total calories, protein and fiber.  It's hard sometimes, but she said I need to think of eating like exercise.  I still need to do it, even if I don't feel like it.  Also, I am apparently small framed, so my "ideal" weight is 130.  I'm not sure I could get to 130.  But it would be nice.

I'm sad.

• Slept 11 hours last night.  So glad it's Friday.
• Our power bill was $120 last month!  That's double!  Yeesh, I guess it was cold.
• I still need to get the stuff taken care of for my car to be repaired.  Maybe next week.  All my priorities are gone for now.
• I really need to make a budget.  I'm just dragging my feet.  Hmm, that's like the theme of this blog...

Spent the whole weekend + one day being sick.  It seems pretty lame to use my first PTO day of the year on 1/16.  :-/  More lame was that I bailed on my RS lesson about 4 hours before I was supposed to give it.  I felt horrible for doing that.  But I kept thinking I'd start feeling better, since that's usually how it goes.  Today it better, but not completely well.  Then again, I don't know when I'm ever completely well anymore.

This morning when I went for a walk, there was a patch of ice on the ground.  I don't think I've ever seen that in San Jose.

Not much else going on at the moment.

I don't feel well.  I feel so bad, in fact, that I wouldn't mind being on Prednisone at this point.  That's pretty bad.  Stupid Crohns.  I never realized how draining a long term illness is.  Funny, the things we take for granted.

On a brighter note, I have a new lofty dream.  I'm thinking about getting an RN when Aaron is done with school.  Two of the local community colleges have RN programs.  But I can't start applying til I know where we're going to be.  So hopefully by this time next year, I can be applying.  Also, hopefully most of my GE stuff will transfer from SJSU.  I talked to my mom to see if not having a BSN would be a hindrance.  She said it wouldn't unless I wanted to work in management, which I don't.  Plus, most of the community college programs have a bridge to BSN, should I change my mind.  But I'm not really looking for a career, per say.  But since it will be a while til we have kids, it would be good to have an actual career.  Useful skills, etc.  I think long term, I'd be looking to work at a doctor's office, or a small surgery center, not a hospital.  Just something with normal-type hours.