All the blah blah

I haven't blogged for a while.  I just haven't felt like I have a lot to say. 

Bronwyn had her 18 month well check this week.  She is still a tiny a bean.  10% for weight and 40% for height.  The weight is pretty typical, but she's gained a lot on height.  Otherwise, she's doing great.  She has a lot of words (67 at last count).  She loves smiling, and dancing.  She is starting to do pretend play.  She LOVES books.  She reads by herself, and loves to be read to.  Well, sometimes read to, sometimes just to look at pictures together.  She knows animal sounds, and likes different animals.  We're planning on going to the zoo on Monday.

Planning to, because both kids are sick, again.  Both kids have fevers, but not much else.  At bedtime Bertram was 102.7 and Bron was 100.8.  Bron took a 4 hour nap, and Bertram laid down and watched a whole movie with me. Those are two things that never happen.  I don't have a fever, but I slept a lot.  Even after a good night of sleep.  I'm supposed to run 6 miles tomorrow.  But we'll see...

Training is going ok.  I still feel like there is no way I can be successful, but I'll keep pushing a long.

I've been thinking about going to an overeaters anonymous meeting.  There are a bunch around here.  I love eating.  I eat when I'm not hungry, just because I like eating.  This is (of course) not healthy or normal.  So I need to find a better strategy, because I will likely never get to a healthy weight otherwise.

I've kept up with a daily devotional.  I read the Upper Room, my once a day bible, a chapter or two from the book of mormon, and the day from the Stoics book.  Though, the more I read the Stoic book, the more I'm not sure it's for me.  Also, while the devotional can be somewhat enjoyable, I'm not sure I'm getting a lot out of it.  I don't feel more spiritual, or connected to god. 

Mid December

Training has been going ok.  Wednesday was a longer running section.  I'd been doing 2 minutes of running, followed by 2 minutes of walking, repeated for 30ish minutes.  Sometimes that was ok, sometimes it was a struggle.  Wednesday was 3 run, 2 walk.  I was dreading it, but it went really well, and I didn't wish I was dead.  I've kept up with workouts with week.  And I ever threw in an extra one after running on Wednesday.  I've been wanting to do more leg/butt strengthening training, but I didn't want to be sore for running.  I figured Wednesday to Saturday would be enough recovery, which it was.  So I may have start including that, when the kids will let me.  I haven't done my 4 mile run yet (it's 2/2).  I didn't sleep great, and was exhausted when the alarm went off.  But I should be able to do it some point this morning.

Everyone is well again, finally.  And, I think we've finally found a solution for Bertram's sleeping issues.  We had to stay in his room til he fell asleep, and then he'd wake up several times in the night and either get in bed with us, or we'd have to sleep with him.  One night, I left the reading light on in his room.  (We call it the Nana light, as it used to only be in the room when my mom visited).  He slept all night.  Now we've done it for the past 4 nights, and he stays in his room all night.  I think he was waking up in the dark and feeling lost or confused.  Now when he wakes up, he sees all is well and goes back to sleep.  Hallelujah!  I got several nights of 6 hours uninterrupted sleep, it was amazing.

Bertram is doing well with school.  He plays with a couple other boys, Kunal and Mayson.  (I don't think I mentioned previously that Bertram bit Mayson.  It was a confusing situation, since the teacher didn't see it happen.  Bertram said Mayson put his finger in Bertie's mouth while he was talking.  Which sounded like a lie, but Mayson later told the teacher the same thing.  So I'm not sure.  But I made Bertram write an apology note, and I apologized to his mom.)  I made his appointment for Kindergarten registration.  :sob:  I can't believe he'll be starting real school in the fall.  The district used to do half day kindergarten, but stopped (I'd guess) because parents had issue with child care.  I'm bummed that he'll be gone all day.  Plus that seems like a long time for a kid to sit still and listen.

Bronwyn has been picking up a lot of new words lately.  She calls our cat meow-meow.  She loves the Christmas trees and lights.  I counted yesterday, and she has almost 30 words (she'll be 17 months in a few days).  I think when Bertram was 18 months he had about 80 words, so she'll be close to that, I think.  She is very dramatic, and will throw herself to the floor when she is unhappy with something.  She is getting molars.  She has been eschewing all naps lately.  She still needs them, she just refuses.  It's irritating, because then she's a grump, which in turn makes me a grump. She was doing a pattern of wake up around 7, back to sleep around 8 until 10:30 or 11.  Then nap again from 1-3ish.  Maybe she only needs one nap now. I guess I'll have to experiment with that.  She is at an age that makes it very hard for me to do things while she's awake.  She is our little octopus, hands into everything.  And she still loves to put everything in her mouth. 

Aaron is currently hating his new job.  It doesn't seem like a very defined position.  For the first couple weeks no one knew what he should be doing with his time.  Then they had him work on a project that got scrapped.  So now he's back to reading manuals and twiddling his thumbs. 

My depression game is still strong.  I think I'm going to have to switch meds again.  What I'm on might be working if I were also taking Adderall, but Bron is still nursing, so I'll have to wait.

Once again, it's been a month

I started training for the half marathon, then stopped.  We (the state of California) had a lots of forest fires, and even though they weren't near us, the air quality was awful.  Apparently, on one of the really bad days San Francisco had the worst air quality in the world, beating Delhi and everywhere in China.  Our normal viability is 10 miles, some of the days it was down to a mile.  I ran on one or two of the days, but then I was coughing, and had a sore throat.  Shortly after that a plague descended on our house.  Everyone had fevers.  Aaron had the flu (the actual, real, flu).  But since he had his flu shot, it only lasted 5 or 6 days.   No one else got the flu, but Bertram and I had bad, wet coughs.  Now everyone is well, except Bronwyn.  I took her to the doctor on Friday.  She does not have the flu (she tested negative).  Some other kind of virus.  She is still snotty, and coughing, and has low fevers off and on.  But she is improving.  Anyway, I start training again on Monday.  I'm looking forward to starting again. 

My depression has been worse recently.  I'm not sure if it has to do with lack of exercise, or just my chemistry.  My depression just makes me blah.

We had a nice Thanksgiving.  We went out on Black Friday just to Barnes and Noble, Target and Bath and Body works. 

I'm pretty close to done with Christmas shopping.  I have to look over what I have to send to Virginia, and make sure I have everyone.  Also, I have money from my stepdad to buy gifts, but I haven't done that yet.  I think I'm going to get Bertram/me a season pass to the local amusement parks (Great America, and Gilroy Gardens).

Today we went to Target.  I had the kids choose gifts for each other.  Bertram chose a Duplo set for Bronwyn (and him, I suspect, since he loves Legos).  Bron chose a Paw Patrol toy for Bertram.  She wanted to choose a stuffed animal (since she loves them), but I had her chose between a few other things.  We got lunch at Five Guys.  Bronwyn said "more burger".  She has been getting a lot more words lately.  Mama, dada, up, no, more, happy, duck, dog, star, book, that, baby, and probably a few others I'm forgetting.  After lunch we went downtown to the Joyce Ellington Library.  They had a petting zoo.  We got there early, so we went in.  Bertram settled in a read, while Bron walked around, and played.  She read some too.  I found some Lego books for Bertram, and a few level 2 readers.  Then we went out to the petting zoo.  There were chickens, ducks, pigs, goats, sheep, and alpaca.  Bertram didn't want to go in.  He said the animals were too stinky.  Bronwyn had a blast.  There was one white duck, which was her favourite.  She kept pointing at it, and saying duck!  After that we came home.  Bronwyn napped, and Bertram built his new lego set (that he bought with his allowance).  In the evening we went to the Christmas dinner/program.  Bertram went up with the kids, but didn't preform.  The cousins went up and preformed (even though they don't go to our church), it was really cute.  Bertram didn't want to see Santa.  Bronwyn sat with Santa for a minute.

That white duck was her favourite.

That brown duck was nippy (she bit me). She bit Bronwyn (not hard) and Bronwyn laughed.

Aaron was the narrator for the program.

Bertram and a buddy.

The other kids were singing.

I'm still feeling meh about church.  I'm still trying.  I keep finding myself being jealous of those who no longer attend, and conversely, jealous of families that are really happy in church.  I just kind of feel like a liar.  

Well, that was a downer.  Let me think of something better to end with.

Oh, I know.  (This is more interesting, I think).  We've been discussing a third kid.  Well, we've been talking about number of kids since before we were married.  I think in terms of thinking logically, having a third is a bad idea.  But really, I'm not sure how much logic has to do with it.  It's like head vs heart.  If that makes sense.  Either way, I'm going to wait til after the half marathon to decide.  Hopefully, I'll have lost some weight by then, which would make pregnancy easier, and healthier is always better.

Oh, also, I think after the new year, I'm going to stop eating meat again.  Aaron's cousin has been vegetarian for about 3 years, so he's a good resource.  I'm looking at recipes with protein, and less pasta.  

Ok, until next month (hahah).  Hopefully sooner.

November

Aaron's arm finally got better.  It seems like it took a long time, but it's back to normal now.  He starts a new position on Monday.  It's mostly a lateral move (but he loses his office, and is back in cube land).  But there are more opportunities for advancement in the new position.  I think he's a trainer, it's hard to tell, all jobs within the county seem the same to me.

My mom has been here for a week.  I love when she visits. 

We went to the aquarium at the beginning of the week.  This was the first time that Bronwyn was interested in the fish.  It was a good trip.  We were all tired by the end of the day.  And the kids slept a good bit of the drive home.

We had a good Halloween.  Bertie was dressed as Tracker from Paw Patrol and Bron was a flamingo.  And Aaron was Gandalf.  I didn't dress up this year.  We had a trunk or treat at church on the Friday before, and the kids went trick or treating on Wednesday.  We bought a bunch of candy, but only had about 30 kids come by.

 
Bertram has been doing pretty well at school.  He had been having some separation anxiety, but seems to be doing well lately.  He's made some friends.  He was upset at one point, because there was a "new kid".  Then, he made friends with the new kid, Kunal.  Now, his friends are Kunal, Mayson and Millie.  I still can't get a ton of information about what he does at school, but he's always happy at the end of the day.  His writing is really improving.  And he is really loving reading.  He reads on his own a lot now, as well as being read to.

Bronwyn is getting into reading too.  She likes lift the flap books.  Tonight she had Aaron read her a book (Where is Spot?), then she brought it to me to read, then my mom.  But, she loves to get books off the shelf and look at all the pictures.  She is repeating more words.  Her current vocabulary is: mama, dada, ball, dog, hi, bye, num num, up, down. Pretty good for 15 months.  She is walking all the time.  She loves carbonated water.  Tonight she started climbing, and standing on a little chair.  Then she'd smile, in a very cheeky fashion.

My sister is running a half marathon next week (her first).  She inspired me to do the same.  I signed up for the Silicon Valley Half Marathon in April.  I've read that 6 months is enough time to train (from 0).  I found a training program to follow.    I start on Monday.  I'm nervous about failing.  I'm nervous about my stamina.  But I'm glad about being proactive for my health.  And I've paid the fee, so I'm committed.

Catching up again

I'm towards the end of a 10-day social media fast.  I really hate it.  I think's harder as a stay at home mom. Social media is sort of how I have friends.  It's been lonely, and isolating. It was suggested in the general conference for church to do a 10-day social media fast, and (re-)read the Book of Mormon by the end of the year.  I've mentioned it before, but I have pretty much no faith at the moment.  Well, no feeling of faith.  I try, and I just don't feel like I'm getting it, if that makes any sense.  So, I thought, I would try to follow the advice of the president of the church, and see if it might bring me closer to Christ.  In the recent past, the more I try the further away I feel.  But I thought I'd try again.  Try and try again.  No results so far, but I'm not any worse off because of it.  (Except the isolation).

Last Saturday Aaron help his cousin build a fence.  He was sore for a few days, and mentioned his arm was bothering him.  Tuesday Bronwyn and I went to Kaiser.  I did my quarterly blood draw, and Bron got her HiB, Pneumococcal, and tDap boosters.  Tuesday after work, Aaron mentioned his arm was really starting to bother him.  He went to Urgent Care in the evening.  They said it was tendinitis. Tuesday night, he took ibuprofen and benedryl and went to bed early.  I came back around midnight.  And he was awake in pain that got worse.  He was writhing and moaning.  He took a Norco, and it didn't touch the pain.  So around 3 am, I called my Mother in Law (who lives 2 houses away) to ask her to stay with the kids.  We went back to Kaiser, to the ER.  There are no wait, which was nice, we were out in under an hour.  He saw the NP, she confirmed that it was tendinitis.  He got a shot of to tordol and dilaudid.  It took a while, but those helped some, and he finally went to sleep.  He stayed home from work Wednesday.  His arm was still hurting.  We went back to Kaiser that afternoon.  Aaron saw another doctor who wrote him a prescription for Flexeril.  He took that, it worked, then slept for about 17 hours straight.  Friday he went back to work.  So it was a fun week.

No sleep til

So far the sleep incentives haven't done much.  Bertie will go to bed without much of a fight.  But he still wakes us up every night, and he's still getting out of bed too early. 

In the mean time, my sleep quality and quantity have taken a nose dive.  Insomnia is bad, friends.  Even if I take a sleep aid, I'm often awake from 3 or 4 on.  Like, right now.  Bertie woke up, Bron woke up, and then I was awake.  I took half an Ambien, and still, I'm awake.  With 2 and a half hours of sleep to show for it. I had three nights this week with less than 4 hours of sleep.

On top of that (or maybe because of it) I'm feeling really burnt out.  It's tough, because if you're burnt out from your job you can take time off, or even find a new job.  Which is not to say I don't love my "job".  Being home with the kids is what I wanted, and I love it.  But I need a break, which seems awful to say.  And worse because I'm not sure what that looks like.  Bronwyn still wakes in the night to nurse about 3 days a week, so I can't take a night off.  And there isn't really anything I specifically want to do.  Actually, I want to spend time with the family, but not have to be "on".  Which I guess would mean everyone behaves perfectly.  So, that's not too likely either. 

I'm just rambling. 

Sleep screw up

Once upon a time, Bertram was a good sleeper.  He could sleep on his own, with minimum intervention from Aaron or me.  Fast forward to last night: it took him 1.5 hours to go to sleep, because someone had to sit with him.  Then he woke up at 4.  Normally, Aaron or I would lay down with him til he (or inevitably both of us) would fall asleep.  But, I realized how far we'd slid back on sleeping.  So we started minimal-contact-say-good-night-back-to-bed thing.  The problem with this is (of course that it sucks, but) you have to pass through Bronwyn's room to get to ours.  So going back and forth every 5 minutes wakes her up.  Especially since he's usually crying.  At some point, I told Aaron I'd stay in the front of the house, so Bron and Aaron could sleep uninterrupted.

Aside from putting him back in bed ad infinitum, I devised a plan.  I made a calendar (sticker chart).  He has the opportunity to earn 3 stickers each night. 
1. Going to bed on his own, without issue
2. Sleeping all night (aka don't wake mom and dad/Bronwyn)
3. Stay in bed til the clock changes colour.  (We got him a clock when he got his big bed that is blue when it's sleeping til and yellow when it's get up time.  It worked well, for a while, until we got lazy).

Once he earns 21 stickers, he will get a remote controlled BattleBot.  I think this will be a good incentive because he's been talking about it for months.  (They're between $30-40 so I was putting him off til Christmas or Birthday, but if this works, I'll happily buy it now.)

Fingers crossed.

Also, hopefully I get a nap today.