ASD stuff:
We had Bertram's IEP meeting on Thursday.  It was much more pleasant than I expected.  Bertram is going to continue speech at school (and through Kaiser), and he is going to have an evaluation for OT through school.  We have been approved for group ABA but I'm still waiting to hear from Kaiser about that. 

Bertram's behaviour at school, last week, was fantastic.  He had two days that were all smiley faces!
Aside from that, things are much the same.  He's been reading a lot, and getting better with phonemic awareness. 

Bronwyn has been talking a lot lately.  She loves to identify all the things she knows.  When she eats she likes to say "big bite!" She can count to 20, identify 1-10, and knows and can identify all the letters.  She loves reading, singing, dancing, and helping.  Now, if I could get her interested in using the potty...

And she is also awake, so now I have to go...

Today/ ASD

Today Bertram had his ASD (Autism Spectrum Disorder) eval with Kaiser.  We had a few concerns that mostly coincided with school.  There were a couple concerns with preschool issues (that he didn't want to participate in the Christmas or graduation program, really gloaming on to one friend).  Then, this year, with kindergarten, he has been having trouble with transitions, doing work he isn't super interested in, cooperative groups, things of that nature.  He had a couple instances of rocking himself, pulling on his ears, or just laying down on the floor.  (The rocking and ear pulling were new, as Aaron and I had never seen them).  We have been in communication with the teacher a lot, mostly trying to make sure he isn't too much of a distraction, and is keeping up.  We had his parent/ teacher conference last week.  He is doing well academically, and his behaviour is improving (but is still an issue).  He is reading at a 3rd grade level, but his comprehension isn't quite that high.

For the first part, we watched him through a one-way window, as he did different tasks with the evaluator, and we talked to the other doctor about what he was doing, whether it was typical, and translating as needed.  Then we had a break.  Then we did an interview with the doctor and Bertram did an analysis of his ability to learn (I can't remember what that part was actually called), but he scored average, or above average on all that. But in the end, he is ASD level 1, though fairly mild.  The next step will be receiving the full report, and then we will step up ABA therapy.  And we'll have to get a full IEP set up through the school district.

It all feels a little overwhelming at the moment.  And I feel a little sad that there are now more challenges that he'll likely face.  But we'll cross those bridges as they come.

Bertram was sick for almost 2 weeks, he had pneumonia at the end.  Then I got sick, I'm still recovering.  Aaron is sick and Bron isn't feeling great either.  We all got our flu shots, so at least there's that. 

We filled out an ASD questionnaire for Kaiser and Bertram has an evaluation in the beginning of November.  It takes all day!  I'm not overly concerned, as we've been pretty vigilant since he was tiny.  But if there are services that can help him with any issue he has, then lets take advantage.  He's been doing well at school lately.  We have parent teacher conferences right before Halloween.  His handwriting is really improving.  And as much as he says he doesn't want to go, he is always excited when he arrives.  We had walk a thon last weekend.  Bertram walked 5 miles, which is pretty good.  His attitude was pretty good most of the day, so we were all happy.  (Well, I was grouchy by the end of the day.  I was already not feeling well, and then walked a lot).

Bronwyn has been reading a lot and talking a lot.  Well, "reading".  That kid loves books.  She will often put a book in my hand and say "read this book".  She likes the Sandra Boynton books (Bertram did too), and The Pokey Little Puppy (which I hate).  She likes dancing, and songs that tell you to do things.  There is on called the Pinocchio song that she really likes to do.  She likes to pretend play having a picnic, or feeding her babies or neigh-neighs. 

Bertram has been sick with a fever and cough for a week.  He just left to see the dr again (I think he was there on Monday). It looks like he will miss 6 days of school, which is bad enough on it's own, but next week is Fall Break.  Which means he is out of school for 2 weeks. Also, I'm going crazy, mostly being stuck at home, with at least one whiny kid (though usually 2).  Bron has been mildly sick off and on, and we were all sick over last weekend.  So it's been a rough week.

Aside from the illness, it's been really hot.  It was close to 100͒ for 3 days.  I am so ready for Fall.  I think we're supposed to have a cold front coming in.

I changed my meds a couple weeks ago.  I didn't feel like the Cymbalta was working anymore.  So I am in the process of switching back to Zoloft.  One (or more) of my meds is making me super sweaty.  Not in a smelly way, just like embarrassingly damp.

School is going ok for Bertram.  It seems like he gets easily frustrated, so we've been working on that.  He started going to see the counselor (Mr Tony) once a week to help with interpersonal skills.  He should be starting Speech at school before too long as well.  He likes school.  The only homework they have is reading, whatever he wants.  He loves reading, so homework is easy. 

Grandma's house closed yesterday.  The little house is going to be torn down and made into a 3000sqft two story house.  That will not fit in with the neighbourhood, and will likely be worth twice as much as any other house on the street.

Too long, again

After it's been so long, it's hard to remember what I wanted to write about.

Bertram started school last week.  It has been fine so far.  He has half days until next Monday.  He has made a friend who was sitting at his table, but then the friend got moved because they were talking too much.  But so far it's all gone well.  Aaron usually packs his lunch, which is good; one less thing for me to do.  I signed up to be the library helper for his class.  But I need to get a TB test, and do a background check. 

The kids are in the middle of swimming lessons.  Bertram was in the tot class, but got moved to the level 1 class.  It's hard for him, for sure, but he enjoys it for the most part.  Bron is in the mommy and me class.  She likes it.  It was super hot last week, so it felt good to swim.  We have this week, then they're done til next year.

Grandma's house is just about empty.  I think it's in escrow. 

The week before school started we did a lot of different things.  Two different amusement parks, park day, beach day.  It was a fun week.

Bron has become a picky eater as of late.  She used to eat a lot of different things, but now she only wants Lucky Charms, which I'm going to stop buying, crackers, apple sauce, and cheese.  She used to eat different fruit and veg, some meat, etc.  But I'll keep giving her a variety.  She was having some issues with cow milk, so we switched her to pea protein milk.  She likes it, and it has a lot of the same things as cow milk (protein, calcium, fat, less sugar).  She actually finished all the breast milk I had in the freezer, which is good.  I'm glad it didn't go to waste.

I'm trying to remember what has been going on the past few weeks. But not much is coming to mind.

The other women in the family are getting a bit contentious about grandma's things.  The scheduling of going through items, how fast the house will be cleared and sold, etc.  I'm not involved other than being around.  My MiL is the executrix so she has final say on things, but it seems hard to be diplomatic with everyone.  Plus there are a lot of people to deal with.  The original will was split evenly between the three kids.  But two of the kids died before grandma, so it gets passed on to the grand kids.  So my MiL has 1/3 and 4 of the grandkids have 1/6, but that's of monetary value, not items.  So yeah...

I have a colonoscopy tomorrow.  Prep is going fine, so far.  I feel sloshy from having to drink so much, and  I'm at the point where I hate all the sweet things: jello (I always hate jello, but especially now), ice pops, hard candy etc. 

After the first dose of methotrexate I haven't been feeling too bad.  I'm relieved, because having to be on a medicine long term the those kind of side effects is terrible.  In a couple weeks, I'll do a blood draw and make sure it's not hurting my liver, and we'll proceed from there.

I can't think of much else for now.

Grandma's memorial was on Saturday.  It was a nice service.  I cried through the whole thing.  I'm still not used to the idea that she's gone.  I wonder if I ever will be.

On Wednesday I went to the rheumatologist for the first time.  She said what we basically knew which is that the crohns could be causing the arthritis or they could be independent of each other.  If they are related they should both flare at the same time.  I'm getting a colonoscopy in a couple of weeks, so that will shed some light on it.  But we still won't know if it will get better, worse or stay the same.  In the mean time, I have exercises to do, and some new medication.  Added to my large collection of medication is folic acid, Mobic, and methotrexate.  Mobic is an NSAID (like Advil).  The folic acid is to help combat the side effects of the methotrexate.  Methotrexate is like a scary medication, at least for me.  It's used to treat specific types on cancer and some auto immune diseases.  (Like Humira) it's an immunosuppressant, unlike Humira it has a lot of drug interactions, and isn't safe for pregnancy.  They were very specific: do not get pregnant on this medication. We're fairly sure we're done having kids, but if we decide to have another I have to be off the methotrexate for 3-4 months before we start trying.  Anyway, I took the first dose on Wednesday.  It didn't treat me well.  Since then, I haven't been feeling too badly, just really tired.  One of the good things about methotrexate is that it improves the effectiveness of Humira, and hopefully will help with my arthritis.  I'm doing the acupuncture once a week, I'm not sure that it's helping.  But it doesn't hurt, and it's a $10 copay.

Always catching up

Grandma passed away a week ago (last Tuesday), 6 days before her 95th birthday.  It still doesn't feel real.  We (the extended family) have been hanging out at her house a lot.  When I walk down there, I suddenly remember that she's not there.  Her memorial (and interment) are on Saturday.  Bertram is having a hard time.  He doesn't want to talk about her, or his feelings, at all.  I do try to talk to him periodically.  If anyone has suggestions, I'd love to hear it.

I had my first acupuncture appointment yesterday.  And (surprisingly?) my back is feeling a bit better today.  My elbow has been hurting for a few months, and I thought it was tendinitis.  But I think/worry it's more arthritis.  Actually, now any joint pain makes me concerned about my bones.  (My ankles were hurting this morning).  I know my bone density and calcium are good.  But I'm prone to worry.  Also, I'd love for my body to function properly.  I miss being able to run.  I may see if there is some yoga I can do.  Or water aerobics was also suggested.
Apparently, I get yearly colonoscopies now.  I'm doing mine in early July.  My tummy has been having some twinges of pain off and on.  So I guess it's good.  But having to do the prep every year, ugh. 

Bron is finally feeling better.  She had a slight reaction to the ammox, a flat rash.  The doctor said that 10% of kids get a non-allergic rash.  She's been a good sleeper and napper as of late (knock on wood).  She is starting to make 2 and 3 word sentences.  She loves music (wheels on the bus, baby shark, etc).  She is adding in a few more signs (mostly "please").  She knows a few letters and numbers and shapes.  She is very dramatic when she's upset.  That toddler melt to the floor thing.  But usually she's good spirited.

Bertram has been into the Hilo book series.  He likes reading but graphic novels specifically.  He asks what words mean when he doesn't know.  He has an amazing memory.  He was telling me something in the car on Sunday, and I wasn't understanding.  Once I got more information, I learned he was telling me about one of the campaign adds, from last November!  He's doing well at speech therapy.  He is starting to draw more people. 

"This is me walking a dog"

A busy day

Grandma is still hanging on.  She is a tough lady; stubborn, like all the other women in the family.  Haha.  She's still not present.  Her BP, pulse and respiration have been dropping as the day went on.  But as of 9pm, she's still here.  But it's awful to see her this way.  It's crazy how fast it all happened, then how slow it all happened, if that makes sense.  I think I'm ok with it all, but then I'm not.  It's hard, because this is the first death of someone I'm actually close to.  I wasn't close to either of my paternal grandparents (I don't remember my grandpa at all).  I was somewhat close to my maternal grandparents, but we live 3000 miles apart, so the distance was a buffer when my Papa died.  Nanny is still alive.  But this grandma has been my grandma for the last 18ish years.  In that time I saw her most days.  We were friends.  She was so funny, warm and kind.  I'm going to miss her so much, and I wish there was an easier end for her.  I'm also glad my MiL and cousin (in law) have taken the lead on her care.  I'm grateful for them more than ever.  Anyway, I'm sure I'll talk about this more in the days to come.

Bron has been sick for a week and a half: fever, then cough, then fever again.  I took her to the doctor this morning and she has an ear infection.  Her first one.  So she gets Ammox.  She's been feverish, grouchy, and tired. 

Before her appointment, I went to get a low back x-ray.  My doctor contacted me this afternoon to let me know I have "moderate to severe" arthritis.  Because, you know, I'm 36, so I guess it's time for the arthritis to kick in.  I have an appointment for PT next week.  And I'm going to get a referral for acupuncture.  Aside from that, I've emailed my GI because this is likely Crohns related, or Humira related, or both.  And I'll likely have an appointment with a rheumatologist. 

I had to take Bron with me to Bertie's speech therapy.  Usually my MiL watches her, but she was with Grandma.  Aaron was going to come home to watch her, but then he went to be with grandma too (we thought the end was more eminent than it was).  The therapist has a dog, in a kennel.  The dog barked, Brony cried, which made the dog bark, which made her cry.  Eventually, the dog got moved to another room, then Bronwyn did ok. 

Anyway, it's been a rough day.  Tomorrow I need to go to the DMV to renew my license, because it expires on Thursday.  I don't usually procrastinate on things, but the time got away from me.  Then I need to go get my crown in the afternoon, and my yearlong tooth saga will be done (I hope). 

bullet post

Maybe at some point I'll detail things, but for now, just notes and not in chronological order

• (Aaron's) Grandma has been going downhill, slowly, for a while.  She will be 95 in two weeks.  Originally, Sophie (Aaron's cousin) was planning a decent size party. 
• A little background: Grandma lives 6 houses down from us, and 3 from Aaron's folks. Her husband died a little over 20 years ago.  Two of the cousins were teens and were living with her then.  But for the last 15ish years, she's lived alone.  3ish years ago she has a mild stroke.  The only lasting effect was short term memory issues.  After that, my MiL started to distribute her meds, because she couldn't remember whether she'd taken them.  Then she started repeating herself, and just slowing down in general.

A couple weeks ago MiL went down to do the nighttime meds and found her on the floor.  She didn't know how long she'd been there.  She also had a little rectal bleeding.  So the ambulance came and took her to the hospital.  They did a lot of tests, blood work, CT, endo, colonoscopy and a few others.  She didn't have a stroke, and her head and heart looked ok.  But there was a large mass in her colon that was at risk of blocking her colon completely.  So she had a colectomy, and has an ostomy bag.  Ostomy is a unique challenge without being 95 and having memory issues.  The ostomy bypasses the mass, but the cancer is still there, doing cancer-y things.  She was discharged to go home on Friday (yesterday) and is now in hospice care.  She is in good spirits, but is very weak and tires easily.  MiL and Sophie have been taking care of her, since she can't get up, or about on her own.  I think some home health will be set up before too long, but it's Memorial Day weekend, so it'll have to wait til Tuesday.
So we've been trying to process all of this.  We went from planning a big party, to trying to set care. 

• While all of that was going on, we had to leave for Minnesota for Aaron's sister's wedding.  Traveling with kids and Aaron is always stressful. Aaron is a very anxious flyer.  (Though, he has gotten better at hiding it in recent years (which I appreciate)).  We left out of SFO, at 7am, so we had to leave our house at 4am. We checked our suitcase and and the kids carseats.  The flight was ok.  The kids did pretty well.  We arrived in Minneapolis, as did our suitcase, but the carseats were MIA.  That was stressful.  The airline had loaners, so that was ok.  (And our seats came, the next day.  I don't think they left SFO.  We all slept in one room, because a lot of family was there.  We had a bunk bed with a full on the bottom, and a pack and play.  Bertram won't sleep on the top bunk, and Bron wasn't thrilled with the pack and play.  But we made it worked.  The day of the wedding was super cold, like 46⁰.  The kids were the flower girl and ring bearer.  They did amazing.  (It was while we were at the reception that we got the news about grandma).  The flight home was fine, but bumpy.
• I had FINALLY weaned Bronwyn.  She nursed 22 months and 1 day.  I still have mixed feelings about weaning her.  I don't think either of us were really ready.  But it's worked out ok, she has only asked for "neh" a couple times.

That's all I've got for now.  It's 1am, and I can't think anymore.

Bertram's 5 year interview (Delayed)

1. What is something mommy always says to you?  I love you

2. What makes you happy? Love, you.

3. What makes you sad?  When I close my eyes at night.  I don't like to have dreams.

4. What makes you laugh? Anything funny

5. How old are you? 5!

6. How old is Mommy? 98

7. How old is Daddy? 98

8. What is your favorite thing to do? Play with you (mom)

9. Who is your best friend?  Kunal

10. What do you want to be when you grow up?  Work at BattleBots when I'm 10 years old.

11. What are you really good at? Building with Legos

12. What are you not very good at?  Doing pedals on bicycles by myself

13. What did you do today? Went to school and played at the park

14. What is your favorite food?  Watermelon

15. What is your favorite song? Yellow Submarine and I'm a Gummy Bear

16. What do you want for your birthday this year? Build your own Battlebots

17. What is your favorite animal? A cat

18. What is love? Nice

19. What does daddy do for work? .Talk to people

20. Where do you live? (Says our street name)

21. Where is your favorite place to go? Target.

Trying

Trying to wean. 

I want to wean Bronwyn.
I want my body back.  For it to just belong to me.  I want to be able to take better drugs for depression.  To get back on Adderall.  So I can have energy.  I want other people to be able to comfort her.  Plus she's going to be two in July. 

I don't want to wean Bronwyn.
In reality, I love nursing her (95% of the time). She comes up and says "neh!" I'm not sure how nurse became neh, but that's what she says.  I love that she still needs me that way.  There is something very... connecting.  And it's built in snuggles.  I'm (we're) 90% sure that she will be the last child, so I don't really want to rush weaning. 

Trying to run.

For some reason, I can't run.  I'm not in pain, but I use can't make my body do it.  I'll start, and 10 seconds later just stop.  So I've been walking.  But I want to run.  I used to be okay at it, but now, I just can't, and I don't know why.  I kind of feel broken.

Just trying.

I just want to be happy.  I want to feel like a human.  I feel like I was normal once.  Now I just feel mostly sad.  And tired.  I still keep trying with church.  But, really, I'm ready to stop, at least for now.  It's not working for me, and it's not making me happy.


All that being said, I am trying.  I am putting one foot in front of the other, every day.  Each night, because bed, we, as a family, talk about one thing we're grateful for. 

List of goings on

• I switched to the 10k instead of the half.  I will do a half at some point, but I'm not going to be ready.  I haven't been keeping up with running very well.  Kids sleeping issues, my sleeping issues, etc.  But I'll keep pushing forward.  
• I have been doing A LOT of yard work.  It's starting to look acceptable.  I've been weeding, and mowing, clipping.  Aaron planted my orange tree.  
• Ants have been coming in the past couple days.  That's been a pain.  But so far they've been manageable.  
• The weather has been really nice lately.  (Thus all the yard work).  Being outside feels nice.
• Depression is kicking my butt a bit.  But I can't change medicine til I wean Bronwyn.  Maybe next weekend.  

I've been sitting with my computer open for an hour.  I can't think of anything else to say at the moment.

Another big gap

Gonna try to do a quick catch up.

We had Bertram's birthday.  I can't believe he's 5!  He's registered for kindergarten starting in mid-August.  I really wish we had half-day kindergarten, we did, 30 years ago, when I was in kindergarten.  The school is about a mile away.  So hopefully we'll walk most days.  He's mentioned a couple times wanting to do "school at home".  I'm not opposed to it, as I've told him, but he needs to listen to me when I tell him it's time to work, which he generally doesn't want to do.  But we'll see how school goes first. 

Bronwyn is delightful and hilarious, and challenging.  She only wants mommy, all the time.  And she has started the "melt to the floor and throw your head back" toddler phase.  She is adding more words all the time, and she is very curious.  3/4 of her canines came in in the last month.  I still haven't gotten her a haircut, her bangs are down to her mouth. She is getting a little more patient about me doing her hair.  If she would sit still a bit longer, I could do some cute things.  Maybe as she gets older.

My mom was here for Bertram's birthday.   We didn't get to do a lot of what we wanted to.  We (kids, me, Aaron) were sick for part of it.  My stepdad was hospitalized while my mom was here, so she went home a few days early.  He's doing a little better, but he's still having issues. (Fluid around his heart (cause unknown), lower pulse ox, shortness of breath etc).

Now, Bronwyn is awake, so I'll have to get back at some point in the future.

All the blah blah

I haven't blogged for a while.  I just haven't felt like I have a lot to say. 

Bronwyn had her 18 month well check this week.  She is still a tiny a bean.  10% for weight and 40% for height.  The weight is pretty typical, but she's gained a lot on height.  Otherwise, she's doing great.  She has a lot of words (67 at last count).  She loves smiling, and dancing.  She is starting to do pretend play.  She LOVES books.  She reads by herself, and loves to be read to.  Well, sometimes read to, sometimes just to look at pictures together.  She knows animal sounds, and likes different animals.  We're planning on going to the zoo on Monday.

Planning to, because both kids are sick, again.  Both kids have fevers, but not much else.  At bedtime Bertram was 102.7 and Bron was 100.8.  Bron took a 4 hour nap, and Bertram laid down and watched a whole movie with me. Those are two things that never happen.  I don't have a fever, but I slept a lot.  Even after a good night of sleep.  I'm supposed to run 6 miles tomorrow.  But we'll see...

Training is going ok.  I still feel like there is no way I can be successful, but I'll keep pushing a long.

I've been thinking about going to an overeaters anonymous meeting.  There are a bunch around here.  I love eating.  I eat when I'm not hungry, just because I like eating.  This is (of course) not healthy or normal.  So I need to find a better strategy, because I will likely never get to a healthy weight otherwise.

I've kept up with a daily devotional.  I read the Upper Room, my once a day bible, a chapter or two from the book of mormon, and the day from the Stoics book.  Though, the more I read the Stoic book, the more I'm not sure it's for me.  Also, while the devotional can be somewhat enjoyable, I'm not sure I'm getting a lot out of it.  I don't feel more spiritual, or connected to god.