Months later

 I haven't posted since June.  I'm sure a lot has happened, but I don't remember any of it.

In October we went to Disneyland for 3 days. It was a long drive.  We got to LA in time for rush hour, which added a long time to the drive, maybe 1-2 hours.  I was surprised how crowded it was, during the middle of the week, and when you need to make reservations.  We stayed in a motel down the street, it was about a mile walk, which wasn't bad.  The weather was warm, then nice.  We went at the same time as Aaron's cousin and his family, so we met up with them a few times.  We couldn't get Bert on to any of the big rides.  Bron went on everything she was tall enough for. Bertram build a droid and a light saber.  My goal for the trip was to not turn down park things for being too expensive.  Buy the churro, eat the ice cream.

Bron is getting closer to being potty trained.  Two days in a row, she's pooped on the potty without any prompting from us.  She's getting pretty good about staying dry, as long as we remind her to pee. But she's staying dry at night.  Yesterday she had a lot of accidents, for some reason.  But prior to that, and today have been much better.  It will be interesting when she returns to school next week.  Hopefully she sticks with it.  I want her to be able to go to kindergarten in the fall, so she needs to be potty trained.  Plus she's 4, it's past time.  

Last week, I took the kids to the aquarium by myself, and without the stroller (a first for both).  The first half of the trip was fine.  Bron stayed dry the whole time.  But at some point, something unknown happened and Bronwyn started melting down.  Then she pulled Bert's hair (hard).  So he was crying and yelling.  So I sat with them in an alcove, physically restraining Bron, because she wanted to run away. They yelled and cried.  I laugh, then I cried a little.  It was all so ridiculous and overwhelming.  We gathered ourselves and saw a little more.  But Bron kept trying to run.  So I had to carry her, which was hard with her fighting me.  I put her on my shoulders, and she pulled my hair too.  I decided we'd had enough fun.  Then Bronwyn melted down because she didn't want to leave.  So I had to carry her up the hill screaming and crying.  I got everyone in the car and buckled.  Then I cried for a while.

We went back to the aquarium on Tuesday.  Aaron came this time.  It went a little better.  But it was so busy.  Everything was 3-4 people deep.  As an introvert, I am not good with crowds, so I was feelng antsy.  Bert did pretty well, but melted down again.  Less severely.   And Bert got to touch a stingray, which was his goal for both trips.  

We desperately need new flooring in our bedroom.  It's the only room with carpet and it's really low quality carpet.  It's been torn away from the wall, by the dog trying to dig out of the room.  It's stained, not plush, and is torn in several areas.  We went to Home Depot to look at wood and wood type flooring.  But got side tracked by how nice the carpet was. It was so plush and soft.  We decided to get carpet again.  But there was no one to help us.  So we went across the street to S&G carpets, and they were very helpful.  We're getting our new carpet installed on Monday.  Aaron painted the room and replaced the baseboards this week.  We changed from a purple to a grey blue.  It looks really nice, he did a great job.  But the floor around our sliding door needed repairs, because our in-laws like to avoid fixing things until it's absolutely necessary.  In the process of doing this, the shitty carpet got even more destroyed,  I can't wait for the new carpet, then our room will be done.  We got new nightstands earlier this year (ours didn't match before).  And our new lights came today.  It's weird to be able to buy things and not have to get the cheapest thing. Like, we can spend $200 on lamps, and it's ok.  I think we're strongly middle class now.

Year End Survey

 1. What did you do in 2021 that you'd never done before?
Bought carpet for our bedroom.  Got a tattoo

2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I made a resolution to read another 100 books.  I think I only read 20 something this year. My resolution for 2022 is to drink more water.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Not that I can think of

4. Did anyone close to you die?
Not that I can recall

5. What countries did you visit?
 Hahahaha. Covid says no

6. What would you like to have in 2022 that you lacked in 2021?
For Covid to be over and done, once and for all

7. What days from 2021 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
October 8-10, we went to Disneyland

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Making good financial decisions

9. What was your biggest failure?
Not exercising much

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
No.  Surprisingly, with nearly two years of covid no one in the family has gotten it.  But we're all vaccinated and boostered, so hopefully we will continue to be unaffected.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
Disney related stuff

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
The kids.  They have been very flexible.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
The usual.  People who refuse to get vaccinated(for non-medical reasons)

14. Where did most of your money go?
Rent.  And Disney, after that.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Going to Disneyland.  I was also anxious because I wasn't sure how the kids would do, but overall, it was a good trip.

16. What song will always remind you of 2021?
Nothing I can think of.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder? happier
ii. thinner or fatter? about the same
iii. richer or poorer? richer

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Exercised

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Being depressed, not that I had a ton of control over that

20. How did you spend Christmas?
The usual.  With the in-laws

22. Did you fall in love in 2021?
no

23. What was your favorite TV program?
Ink Masters

24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
No, just the same people

25. What was the best book you read?
I can't remember.  I read more of the books at the beginning of the year. 

26. What was your greatest musical (re)discovery?
Do podcasts count?  I've been mostly listening to podcasts

27. What did you want and get?
A vaccine

28. What did you want and not get?
Covid to go away

29. What was your favorite film of this year?
I know I watched a few movies this year.  But nothing is springing to mind.

30. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I turned 38.  I can't remember what we did. 

31. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
No world-wide pandemic

32. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2021?
Comfy clothes

33. What kept you sane?
Anti-depressants

34. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
No one in particular

35. What political issue stirred you the most?
Universal Health Care, paid parental leave

36. Who did you miss?
My mom and seester

37. Who was the best new person you met?
I don't meet people

38. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2021:
If you want to do something, make it happen

39. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
Everything's gonna be better next year.

RIP phone

 Yesterday I dropped my phone (as I've done many times before).  It has a case, but as it hit the ground the screen went black.  Apparently, it fell just right. or wrong.  After that it got really hot.  I was concerned it might blow up, so I put it in a pot on the stove, with a lid.  It didn't blow up, and eventually ran out of battery, and cooled off. 

I am realizing how dependent I am on my phone.  My whole calendar is on there, and didn't sync with the google computer calendar, so all my appointments may be lost.  I use it as an alarm clock.  The kids ABA techs use it to contact me about scheduling stuff. My family texts me throughout the day.  I text Aaron pretty frequently.  I listen to podcasts, music and the radio on my phone.  And it's the thing that goes in my hand.  

We got one of the old phones out so I have an alarm clock.  And my new one will be here today.  But it's annoying, I'd only had the phone since October, and I really liked it.  

June post

 The kids finished school two weeks ago.  Bron made good progress.  And Bert got all 3s (the highest) except on the spacing for his writing. In-person school went well for both kids.  Bert had one so-so day and one bad day, but all the rest were good.  Bron had good days across the board.
He had his first non-cousin playdate the Saturday after school finished.  Seems like he did pretty well.  I don't know if playdates are hard for all ASD kids.  I was relieved that it went well.  He's having a friend (the same friend) over here presently.  It's going ok.  He seems to forget that he needs to pay attention to his guest too.  I guess maybe it takes practice.

Bron started Summer school today, half-days 9-12.  I tried to sign Bertram up, but I only wanted half-days for him (partially because it's Summer, he doesn't need to be in school from 9-3.  And partially because he has ABA daily at 3).  Half-day programs all filled up, so full day was the only option, so we are skipping summer school.  I found a gymnastics camp for Bertram.  It's also from 9-12, which isn't the best in terms of timing, but since Aaron is working from home, most days are not an issue.  Tomorrow Aaron has a lunch meeting, so my MiL is going to pick up Bertram, and I'll get Bron.  Bron seemed to have a good first day.  Bertram just complained a lot, it was hot, he ran out of water, he didn't like it.  He has another 4 days.  If he changes his mind, I'll sign him up for another week later in the summer.  Otherwise, I'll have to see what else I can find.  All the Parks and Rec swimming lessons filled up, so I need to look into some private ones.  For Bertram anyway.  Since Bron has school from 9-12 and ABA from 3-7 she doesn't have a lot of time for other activities, but I don't want to spread her too thin.

Bron going to Summer school

A week ago, I got a tattoo.  (Sorry mom, feel free to skip this paragraph).  I've been wanting one since I was 14 or 15, and since I turned 38, I figured it was time to take the plunge.  I got three flowers on my upper arm for my sisters and me.  (Sunflower for Rebecca, hibiscus for Jessica and a California poppy for me.  And I included 2 bees on my poppy for the kids(because the kids names start with B)).  I got the outline a week ago, I got back in two weeks for colour.  I didn't hurt too badly, manageable, mostly.  A couple spots were more sensitive, but I didn't need any breaks, so I kind of felt like a badass.  Haha.

An odd angle but you get the idea, I'll post another when the colour is done

We went to the aquarium for the first time since February 2020.  Normally we go every 2 or 3 months.  Bronwyn was really excited by everything.  Bertram was sad because his favourite exhibit was gone.  But it was a good day.  We got lunch at Carl's Jr and played at the park before headed back.  We stopped at Sonic on the way home (Our closest Sonic is 30 minutes away, so we don't go often).  

I've been exercising most mornings.  Like real exercise, hard cardio and weights, usually for 45 minutes, sometimes more.  I've been doing this for about three weeks, and so far I've gained 2 lbs.  :eye roll: I have an appointment with my GP for a physical next week for a physical, so i'm going to talk to her about it then. 

Back at it

 The kids started in person school yesterday.  It was a relief.  I walked Bertram to school, just like in the old days.  Then Aaron and I drove Bron to preschool.  There are only 3 kids in her class, the other three or four are online. She walked in without hesitation.  Aaron teared up a little at dropping her off.  Aside from church nursery, this is her first time on her own. She did well her first day.  She kept her mask on, which was a surprise to me.  Bertie had a decent first day with one little bump in the middle.

Today (the second day) Bron ran to preschool, and had a good day.  Bertie did not have a good day.  He started out ok, but got frustrated in math.  Then started yelling and crying.  So we went to hang out with the principal.  She called me. That makes me worried.  I don't want him to have to change schools.  I also don't want him to hate school.  I know there is going to be an adjustment period.  He's been home for a year.  But it's still disappointing.  And it makes me feel like a crappy parent.  He told me on the way home that he felt a little homesick at school.  I told him it'll get easier as time goes on.  I hope that is true.  

Just the usual

 Things have been moving along.  We hit a year in quarantine.  But things are looser than they were, so I stopped my counting of the days.  

Bron started virtual preschool last week, with the assumption she will switch to in person on April 21.  Just 25 more school days.  I am ready for Bert to go back, and preschool will be much more useful for Bron in person.  Though, she's doing fairly well virtually.  It's a little rough because someone has to sit with Bron during her sessions (they do like 15 minute chunks then have breaks), and someone needs to be available to Bert during class as well.  Aaron's day is flexible, so he's been with Bron about half the time.

The 100th day of preschool, her 3rd or 4th day

The other thing that has been in the works is updating the hall bath.  It's our only 4 piece bath (the master is 3, and I never shower in there).  Fortunately the vanity, sink and toilet are in good shape.  So we're doing new: medicine cabinet, light fixture, towel bars, shower rod and curtain, and adding a cabinet above the toilet, and painting.  I say we, but Aaron is doing all the work, I'm the director. 

wood towel bar, and shower curtain and rod

vanity and light

Other wood towel bar

After and before of the medicine cabinet (the blue to the left of the new cabinet is the new wall colour)

That's all I can think of for now.  Please ignore all typos, Bron got me up at 5:30 and the coffee is just kicking in now.

Anxiety

 I feel like I have a lot of shame following me around, but it could be my anxieties. Because anxieties are tricky in that way.

I think about a time I was supposed to meet an internet friend. And I bailed and went to a baby consignment thing. She was really disappointed in me, and washed her hands of me. She did what she had to do, which is fine, but my loss. But I didn't not want to go, but my social anxiety took over.

I hate it, it makes me seem like a flake, and people don't seem to understand. Small talk is like a nightmare for me. 

And it seems, unless I'm specifically adopted by an extrovert, I stay in my cocoon.  It's a little lonely, but it's safe.

I think like most people, I've found it harder to make friends as I've gotten older. But I've not been good at making work friends either (when I was working).

These are all just late night/early morning thoughts. 

I could maybe make a friend, but it would be very difficult for me. Not because I suck, but because my anxieties would get in the way, a lot. 

Anyway, all this came about because Bron won't let me sleep.

Now it's March

 We had Bertram's birthday last weekend.  I still can't believe he's 7.  He is smart, kind, funny, and sassy.  He loves all things Sonic, Mario, Battlebots and Lego.  He is doing okay with online school, not great.  (I have to add this so I don't forget it.  They were talking about recess in his class.  The teacher mentioned playing with friends.  A little girl said she didn't have any friends last year, and the kids were mean to her.  That makes me so sad.  Then Bert piped up and said "if you were in my class I'd be your friend." And my mommy heart just melted). But I imagine there are few kids who thrive with virtual school.  Maybe if you had just one kid, and a stay at home parent.  But there is a light in the tunnel.  In-person classes are scheduled to start on 21 April.  I am so excited.  I think only about a third of the student body opted for in-person learning for the rest of the school year, so it'll be a small class, but he does much better in person.  

Bertram had winter break (formerly called ski week at the richer schools), in February.  We went to Emma Prusch Farm, The Golden Gate Bridge (and ghirardelli square), and the SF Zoo.  The farm was a hit.  There were chickens and ducks everywhere, and the kids loved that.  The rest were kind of meh.  I mean, I had fun, but the kids were whiny.  The bridge is really loud, because you're right by the traffic, that bothered Bertie.  Bron didn't care much, except she wanted to walk, and she is such a slow walker.  Then she was upset at Ghiradelli because she wanted her own ice cream, not to share with me.  The ice creams were like $7 each, which would have been fine, except I knew she wouldn't eat it.  We tried to walk on the pier with the old ships, but it was closed.  The Zoo was about the same.  Bertram didn't want to walk (he wanted to ride in the wagon), and Bron did want to walk, but is slow.  In retrospect I should have let her walk and him ride.  We weren't in any hurry. The animal they both wanted to see was the river otter.  They both really enjoyed that, and we stayed and watched it for about 10 minutes.  (The rhino's penis was out (maybe erect, but it didn't look like it) and it was weird looking, like it had angles.)  The rest of the time was Bertram wanting to go home, his legs were broken, etc.  Oh, I just remembered, Bron said she wanted to walk, but then would collapse at regular intervals.  On top of all that, the weather was drizzle-y, cold, and overcast.  (Like a common SF day).  

Bron won't wear a mask, so we have the shield hat/

We had Bron's IEP meeting.  She is eligible for a few different services.  Namely preschool, OT and ST.  The problem is the school is currently online only.  And 4 hours a day of online preschool sounds like torture for both of us.  But they don't have to hold her spot for in-person if she doesn't attend virtual. So we're trying to figure out if we want to do it.  I have an email out to our lesion at the district, so we'll see what happens.

The other thing that happened in February is out BT for ABA randomly quit.  No notice given.  So we've been without ABA for almost a month.  Bert's behaviour is worse, and not having the regularity of the ABA has messed with his schedule.  Bron had only started a few week before, but was making progress.  It's really frustrating, as the scheduling guy, Ken, is so slow!  And our supervisor is getting a promotion, so we're losing her too.  Anyway, all that makes me grumpy.

Bron's potty training is also stalled.  She doesn't want to even sit on the potty.  On the rare occasions I can get her one it, she doesn't pee.  I never though I'd have an almost 4 year old still in diapers.

We had been tossing around the idea of a third child.  Our family feels a little incomplete.  But there are a lot of reasons not to.  Either Bert and Bron would have to share a room, or one of them a a baby five years their junior would have to share.  Bron would become the middle child, which sucks.  The kids would be quite a bit older than the baby.  I'm not sure my mental health could take the rough parts of new parenthood.  Plus pregnancy is hard, and I'm already overweight.  We'd probably have to get an actual minivan, instead of the Mazda 5.  And then there are the later costs, mainly college (or whatever post high-school education they want to pursue).  Just thinking out loud.  

January post

 I don't want to let the month slip by without an entry.

We watched Biden's inauguration, by we I mean all of us.  Bertie only watched his swearing in, since he was in school. Bron loved all the singing and mimicked the movements.  I LOVED Amanda Gorman's poem.  And I was in tears through much of the ceremony.  Partially because I always get weepy at things, partially as relief that trump is finally gone.  And next time we have a Republican president (assuming s/he is like the other non-trump presidents) I will be happy about the choice.  Though, I am staunchly Democrat, I can now appreciate the sense of decorum and honor for the office the other 44 men had.  

Politics are kind of funny.  Like George W. was not a president I liked, at all.  However, I could see hanging out with him, he seems genuinely nice, and fun.  Plus I dig his paintings.  Whereas I wouldn't want to hang out with either Clinton.  I voted for Hilary, but I don't want to be her friend.  But I want to be friends with Barack and Michelle.  John McCain seemed like a nice guy as well.  

Anyway, blah blah.

 Bron started her ABA a couple weeks ago.  It's going well overall.  She has the same BT as Bertram.  Most days, Alli is at our house 7 hours a day.  Bron loves music and dancing.  There is a Disney Christmas Singalong that she LOVES.  We've started potty training a little, but she's not really very interested, though she has had some success.  She's been sleeping well in her bed, without the crib front.  We've also finally found a melatonin that she likes. 

We got a foldable wagon.  It is a lot easier than the double stroller.  Plus Bertie is really too big for the double anyway.  But now when we walk and he's done, he can ride with Bronwyn without much issue.

I've been working on exercising more since the year started.  Partially for depression, partially to be healthier.  My back has been bothering me more.  Stupid degenerative disc disease. I am on the very young end for DDD.  And there is not a ton that can be done.  PT (which I start tomorrow(virtually, which means no massage, boo)), losing weight, and yoga.  Doctor said if I could lose 10% (about 20 lbs) I should see good improvement.  If I can lose 20% most of the pain should be gone.  I'd like to lose at least 30.  But we'll see, I've never been good at losing weight, unless I was sick.  I'm going to keep moving more, and trying to eat when I'm hungry.  That is tough, because I love eating, just to eat. 

Bertram has been doing fairly well. Virtual school is hard.  His behaviour can be tough.  But it's hard for him too, which is difficult for me to remember.  I can't believe he's almost 7.  And a year ago I was planning a Disney trip.  Maybe someday.  He has been into Minecraft, and Among Us lately.  He is still a voracious reader.  I'm trying to steer him towards books with fewer pictures.  But it's hard because his reading level and interest level don't necessarily match.  He likes, and is quite good at, drawing.  

Covid vaccines are starting to be distributed.  My dad got his last week.  Aaron gets his tomorrow.  The ICUs are starting to have beds available again.  So maybe we're towards the end of the tunnel.  We've currently been "at home" for 320 days.  320 days since going to the mall, aquarium, zoo, or out to eat. I'm going crazy.  I may go to the mall within a couple weeks, I'm getting bored of Target.  The county has been doing really well with mask mandates, and I haven't seen anyone balk at them.  We wear masks anytime we're in a store.  We wear masks when we walk the dogs, but only when we see other people.  We have quite a collection of masks now.