Words from the docs

My GI wants me to try the 6MP for another month, since it's only been 2.5 weeks.  At that point, he said, we can switch to Humira if it's still no bueno.

My shrink called me today.  I sent him an email since I've been feeling so crappy.  He want me to try to stay with the Prozac for another month, but to double the dose (up to 40mg a day).  That's a hefty dose, but not huge.  Patients with really bad depression take 70-80mg daily.  He said it should help with the anxiety, and depression. After a month, if I'm still feeling the same (or God forbid, worse) then we'll try something new.

I've been trying to stay busy, as much as I don't want to be.  After work I bought groceries.  I'm making Aaron a meatloaf as I try this.  Hopefully it'll be good, it's been over 3 years since I made meatloaf, but it smells good.  I'm making oven potatoes to go along.  I thought about baking cookies too, but I don't think I will tonight.  Maybe tomorrow.

I keep thinking about chopping my hair off.  But I decided I need to wait til my head is right before making a decision.

On being a crazy person.

That's how I feel lately.  Depression has come back, big time.  I have no motivation to do anything, aside from sit on the couch, or go to bed.  I don't want to clean, shower, cook, go out, anything.  Yesterday I forced myself to go shopping with some free time I had (and GCs and coupons). I found some cute things, and did ok once I got out.  But not great, everything just felt... off.  Then I had to take the dogs for a walk, which I also didn't want to do.  I've been putting it off for days, or making Aaron go alone.  Once I was out with them, i got really agoraphobic.  I just had to get home, and couldn't get there quick enough.  This continued and morphed into an anxiety attack.  One that persisted through 10mg of Ambien.

I had another anxiety/agoraphobia incident at church today.  But I made myself stay, because I know by giving in, it would only make things worse.

I emailed my shrink to see about swapping my meds around, and hoping that might help.  I can't really have these issues right now.  I need to work, I need to be out of the house, and functional.

It's been a hard week.  I can't begrudge people for getting pregnant, especially when they're married and all.  But I feel like I am begrudging others.  I especially hate it when people talk about how aggravating their kids are.   I know they can be... But it's just a smack in the face to all of us who desperately want them.  It's been hard on Aaron too, but he keeps it to himself, most of the time.  It seems like every time I feel like I have this under control, it goes spinning out of control once more.

I'm finally over whatever virus I had.  I got up to walk a couple days this week.  I still need to work on getting up.

I met with a dietitian this week.  That was very useful.  Most of my previous calories were junk calories.  So she gave me some goals in terms of total calories, protein and fiber.  It's hard sometimes, but she said I need to think of eating like exercise.  I still need to do it, even if I don't feel like it.  Also, I am apparently small framed, so my "ideal" weight is 130.  I'm not sure I could get to 130.  But it would be nice.

I'm sad.

• Slept 11 hours last night.  So glad it's Friday.
• Our power bill was $120 last month!  That's double!  Yeesh, I guess it was cold.
• I still need to get the stuff taken care of for my car to be repaired.  Maybe next week.  All my priorities are gone for now.
• I really need to make a budget.  I'm just dragging my feet.  Hmm, that's like the theme of this blog...

Spent the whole weekend + one day being sick.  It seems pretty lame to use my first PTO day of the year on 1/16.  :-/  More lame was that I bailed on my RS lesson about 4 hours before I was supposed to give it.  I felt horrible for doing that.  But I kept thinking I'd start feeling better, since that's usually how it goes.  Today it better, but not completely well.  Then again, I don't know when I'm ever completely well anymore.

This morning when I went for a walk, there was a patch of ice on the ground.  I don't think I've ever seen that in San Jose.

Not much else going on at the moment.

I don't feel well.  I feel so bad, in fact, that I wouldn't mind being on Prednisone at this point.  That's pretty bad.  Stupid Crohns.  I never realized how draining a long term illness is.  Funny, the things we take for granted.

On a brighter note, I have a new lofty dream.  I'm thinking about getting an RN when Aaron is done with school.  Two of the local community colleges have RN programs.  But I can't start applying til I know where we're going to be.  So hopefully by this time next year, I can be applying.  Also, hopefully most of my GE stuff will transfer from SJSU.  I talked to my mom to see if not having a BSN would be a hindrance.  She said it wouldn't unless I wanted to work in management, which I don't.  Plus, most of the community college programs have a bridge to BSN, should I change my mind.  But I'm not really looking for a career, per say.  But since it will be a while til we have kids, it would be good to have an actual career.  Useful skills, etc.  I think long term, I'd be looking to work at a doctor's office, or a small surgery center, not a hospital.  Just something with normal-type hours.

Feeling like a sad sack today.  I haven't been feeling well lately, which is part of it.  The other part is wrapping my head around the possibility probability that we will never have biological kids.  I'd always assumed we had bio and adopted kids.  I guess that's what I guess for assuming.  Most of the times I've come to accept that fact. That we'll be old parents, that our kid(s) won't have our genes, that our family will likely be a lot smaller than either of us had hoped.  Our kid(s) will also cost a lot more money.

I really don't like it when people say "You're still young, you have lots of time!"  I'm not that young.  And the Crohns isn't getting under control, so it's not looking good.  Ugh, I just hate that; it's so pandering.

My doctor suggested switching drugs, since the Entocort is not working super great.  The next step is Humira, an injectable drug.  I think it's going to be very expensive though.  That's a factor, since I have to be able to afford it.  Someone I know, he husband has Crohns and was on Humira, it was $2500 per dose after insurance!  Yeah, I can't afford that.  Guess I'll have to wait and see how much it will cost, then make a decision.