A couple things

Bertie has started to say I love you without prompting.  It melts my cold heart.

Yesterday he asked to say prayer before we had dinner.  Aaron helped him, of course.

Today I told Bertram it was nap time.  Usually he throws a fit ("No nap! No nap!") before settling down.  Today I told him it was nap time, and we needed to read a book. He said "No book, go bed".  So he took his new matchbox car and walked to his room.  I tucked him in, and he went straight to bed.  That was something he'd never done before.

I've been feeling better.  Still not great, but much improved from before.  I've been forcing exercise on myself, and counting calories.  I really need both.  I'm prone to eating.  Some people eat to live, I live to eat.  So went I don't count, I go way overboard.  Exercise has been good.  Monday and Tuesday I got up to walk at the track and then did the bikini body mommy workout.  Today I slept in (til 7:35) and exercised during nap time.

I have a new resume, but I need to start looking again.  But I'm kind of waiting til we get back from vacation.  And I kind of don't want a job (a sort of need one, but sort of not).  So I'm going to be picky.  Plus Aaron is applying for a new position at work, which pays more.  And he'll get a couple raises in August.  But money is, of course, stressful.

It's been hot for a couple days.  It makes me glad that I'm chopping off my hair in a couple months.

Depression update

I had to go to Target today.  I left Bertie with his grandparents.  It should be known that I love Target.  I was wondering around getting the things on the list, when anxiety set it.  And I got teary, and kept rubbing my face.

Anyway.

I got an email back from my shrink.  He said I can take Adderall again, as long as I'm tracking my cycle. And he suggested adding Wellbutrin.  I told him please, let's do that!  Then I read about it, and was wondering, "Why aren't I on this already?!"  It seems like the dream anti-depressant.  It can be taken while pregnant, with other drugs, it doesn't cause weight gain, or loss of sexual desire.  Wellbutrin, where have you been all my life?

It was a crummy day, but I'm looking forward to things improving.

Depression creeps in. (Now with anxiety!)

Today I said to Aaron "Sometimes I with I was dead.  Just in a passive way". He asked if he needed to stay home, or find someone else to watch Bertram.  At first I was offended, I've never had any self harm behaviours.  But I understand his concern.  I emailed my shrink, so we'll see what he says.

I'm having odd social anxiety too.  I took Bertie to the library for story time.  We got in and sat down, and I almost started crying.  No reason.   Then I was going to go to this relief society thing tonight.  When it was getting close to time to leave my heart was racing, so I didn't go.

I've been really tired lately.  And neglecting self care.

Blah, blah, blah.  Sad Rachel.

Interviewing Bertram (26.5 months)

1. What is something mommy always says to you? Tweet tweet, Mommy a bird.  This only thing I can think as to why he'd say this, is we often sing Two Little Black Birds.

2. What makes you happy? Daddy make happy.

3. What makes you sad? Go bed.

4. What makes you laugh? Hahahaha! Daddy make laugh.

5. How old are you? Two! Two years old, have two trains.

6. How old is Mommy? Mommy two!

7. How old is Daddy? Daddy two trains. Daddy have two trains.

8. What is your favorite thing to do? Go Grandma-Papa. More water.  I did the interview with he was bathing.

9. Who is your best friend? Mommy best friend.

10. What do you want to be when you grow up? Mommy when grow up.

11. What are you really good at? Good at Mommy make two trains.

12. What are you not very good at? Bad at clean up water.  

13. What did you do today? Go mall.  Go library, get books at library.  We didn't do either of those things.  But he does like to do them.

14. What is your favorite food? Eat food.  Eat dinner.  Applesauce.  Applesauce is anything that comes in a squeezy pack.

15. What is your favorite song? Sing Mommy song.

16. What do you want for your birthday this year? Hat.  Little hat.  I asked this, even though his birthday had passed.  Not sure about little hats.

17. What is your favorite animal? Car.  Go in car. Meow. Cat cat!

18. What is love? Love Mommy.

19. What does daddy do for work? Go in car.  Daddy go in daddy car.

20. Where do you live? Live at mommy house. Live at daddy house.

21. Where is your favorite place to go? Out. Go out in car.

Florida

Last week we went to Florida for Aaron's sister's wedding.  It was kind of a tough trip, off and on.  Aaron is hard to travel with.  He is a very nervous flyer, and being nervous leads to stress.  We had a first class ticket for the flights out there (actually I had a first class ticket, but we split it).  Aaron rode in first from Oakland to Phoenix, and I rode in first from Phoenix to Tampa.  It was nice, but it wasn't all I expected.  Though, I'm not sure what I was expecting.  Neither flight had tvs on it, which was annoying.  Bertie did well on both flights.

The rental car place was not at the airport, so we had to take a shuttle.  It was so hot!  Once we got in the car Bertie fell asleep.  We hit a lot of beach traffic.  It took an hour to get to Treasure Island.  We had the whole 2-bedroom condo to ourselves.  It was right on a canal.  After we settled in we went swimming in the pool.  Bertie really liked the pool.  When bedtime came around, Bertram wouldn't get in the pack'n play.  Actually, he completely freaked out.  So we put him in bed with us, and he eventually fell asleep.

The days kind of blur together.  The wedding was beautiful.  The kind of wedding I would have wanted.  Bertie played in the sand during the ceremony.  I cried like a baby.  We only spent one day at the beach, I wish we'd spent more time there.  Bertram didn't really get in the ocean, but he loved the sand.  Aaron and I tried stand up paddle boarding.  It was really fun.  I fell in, of course.  We saw a lot of pelicans, and some cranes and even a couple dolphins.  I was hoping to see a manatee, but we didn't.

Bertram didn't nap at all, except falling asleep in the car, or stroller.  That made for a rough and stressful trip.  Overly tired 2 year olds are terrible people.  It was hard to get him to settle into bed at night too.  So we were all a little sleep deprived.

Aaron's bio-mom took great care of us, and overall, we had a lot of fun.

We had some time to kill on the way back to the airport, so we went to a mall to get lunch.  I tried to had Bertie to Aaron, and he freaked out and stepped in/kicked Aaron's food, which then got all over our (me and Aaron's) pants.  So we ran into Old Navy on the way out and got Aaron new pants.  I changed into a pair I had in my bag.  Then we returned the car and waited for the shuttle.  And waited, and waited.  We got to the airport with 50 minutes til our flight.  By the time we got through security, there was less than 20 minutes.  It was really stressful, but we made it.

We all sat together on the flights home.  Bertie did pretty well.  One flight had tvs, which was great.  Baby fell asleep on the 2nd flight for about an hour.  We got in to San Jose around 10pm.  So it was another late night.

But today (our first day back) he is back on schedule.  A 2.5 hour nap, and in bed by 8:30.  I'm glad we didn't ruin him for sleeping in his own bed.