Getting out of my comfort zone.

I've been trying to push myself a little this week.  My shrink suggested it.  So I've been doing things I don't want to do.  For example, I exercised 2 days this week.  Friday, after work I drove up and met Aaron at the temple.  Today I had a voicemail from a lady in the ward inviting me to go to Panera with her and some others during men's conference.  I would normally have just ignored something like this.  My agoraphobia has been worse lately.  And I'm not the best at social situations, interacting with people.  Especially Mormon women, at times.  Generally I'm way more liberal than any of the others I come across (which isn't saying much, because I'm not overly liberal by mainstream standards... actually, maybe that says a lot).  But I had fun, and was glad I went.

But generally I still feel like I'm sinking.  Becoming more withdrawn.

Also my coworker/best buddy left for maternity leave on Thursday.  I spent more time with her than anyone (just by virtue of being in the same place for hours a day).  So that's kind of a bummer.

I went with the Depo Shot.  We'll see how it goes.

More bullets

• I'm not sure what I think of Concerta yet.  It seems to be ok, but I'm still tired.  I assume these things take time to work.
• Yesterday Zelda got her yearly shots and an anal gland draining.  She was sad.  And the vaccines have made her more tired and lazy then usual.
• I could not get out of bed this morning.  I actually thought about calling in to work.  Then I thought better of it.  I called LDS family services yesterday.  But apparently they're as backed up as Kaiser.  That means no talk therapy for Rachel for a while.  I just kind of feel like I'm sinking deeper and deeper.  Every now and then I have the thought "I can kick this.  I can be in control of my mind/thoughts/feelings".  But it is fleeting.  Then when I need it, the motivation is gone.
• Don't worry, few readers, I'm not suicidal. I'm not doing any form of self harm.  I just want to not exist.  Which usually results in being on (of/in) the couch or bed.  Sometimes reading.
• I really need to force myself to walk outside everyday.  It's more difficult now, because it's cold and rainy.  
• I got a letter from a friend the other day.  My friend is graduating from university.  Friend is my age, has had a share (or two) of struggles, and wasn't sure finishing school was in the cards (though, was continually trying).  I have to say, this graduation notice made me so happy and proud.  Things have been going so much better for my friend, and this is just icing on the cake.  I feel a bit guilty though.  Because I should just be happy for my friend.  But also, it gives me reason to hope.  Some of our issues are/were similar (some very different), but it gives me hope that things can get better.

Hello weekend.

• I picked up a new Rx today.  We're switching my Ritalin to Concerta.  It's longer lasting, and a higher dose.  I guess it's pretty similar to Adderall.  Hopefully it will help.  I hate being so sleepy all the time.  I think it's called hypersomnia.  
• Next week I have my yearly with my ObGyn.  I think I'm going to ask for an IUD.  Since it's going to be a long time before we can maybe have kids.  We'll see what she says.  Maybe Norplant? I'll discuss it and see what my options are.
• This week was pretty good.  Work was busy, I got to see Aaron a lot.  But I didn't exercise much.  I really need to, but yeah... I need to be able to wake up for that to happened.
• I joined Pinterest.  

Things are improving

Naked Bike Ride in SF

I've been mostly feeling better lately.  But things are going well at the moment.

New bullets

Love this girl.

• My sister is here!  Yay. 
• We went to SF after she arrived yesterday and wandered around a bit.  She got a picture of the naked bike ride (not us, some other people, we don't ride bikes naked).
• We went to the fancy mall and looked at things we could never afford.
• We're still nailing down plans for the rest of the week.

Gratitude for a change

Just a list:

• I have a solid knowledge that the Lord loves me, will not give me anything I can't handle, and is watching out for me.
• A hard-working and very understanding husband
• Sister time in less than a week.
• Doggy and kitty snuggles
• Things that are pink.

The random list of things from today.

• I took Diamond Jim to the vet, because he'd been barfing all week.  He was a very good boy.  And on the way home, I let him out of the crate in the car, which he liked a lot.  Anyway, he has some GI issues, just like his mommy.  So he's on some meds and special diet.
• The weather was wonderful today.  I've had the windows open for most of the afternoon.  My house smells like steak.  It's kind of making me hungry, despite not having eaten steak in 3+ years.
• Aaron went to the city to play D&D with his friends.  So I was on my own.
• I went to my dad's to clean and get things ready for my sister, who's coming in a week.  (EEE!)
• My crohns has been very under control lately.  I think we finally have a regiment that is going to work.
• However, my depression is getting much worse.  All I want to do in lay in bed all day.  And/or cry.  But I force myself to do the necessary things.  I'm going to talk to the bishop tomorrow to see if I can get a referral to an LDS therapist.  (Usually they're cheaper than regular ones, and they can give me a religious perspective too.  But my thoughts have been scaring me lately.  Like driving home I thought, I can drive real fast into that lamp post, and maybe that would do it.  I don't think I'd actually commit any self-harm.  But the fact that I keep thinking about it frightening.
• My grandpa isn't dying.  He just had a bleeding ulcer.
• I line dried a bunch of clothes today.  It's awesome.
• I wish I could read, or pronounce Welsh.
• Somewhere in my cleaning adventures today, I really hurt my back.  I asked Aaron to get some topical muscle relaxant on his way home.
• Despite being in pain, and not wanting to, I took the dogs on a long walk.  Well, not long, 2.2 miles, but they haven't done that distance in quite a while.  So they're happy, and pooped.

Bad to worse

Things are not going well at work. That's all I'll say about it for now.

I had another baby dream last night.  For some reason, the baby had the same name as the cat, Diamond Jim.  But he was a great baby.  I'm not sure if I should love or hate these dreams, but they're the closest things I have, for now.

I awoke at 5:45 to the sounds of Diamond Jim barfing.  Again.  Fortunately he has an appointment with Dr Bath today.  He's been barfing, off and on for almost a week, maybe longer.  Plus he's already so thin...

My sister comes into town a week from today!  I'm super excited to see her.  We were planning on getting tattoos (our first) but we've likely both chickened out.  As in, I haven't made a appointment.  I guess we'll see.

My depression is getting worse.  And unfortunately, my appointment with the shrink got moved out to May.  Ugh.  I think I'll send him an email in the mean time.  My thoughts are scaring me a little.