Yesterday I took Bertie to get his one year pictures done (only a month late, more on that later).  I went to Picture People at the mall.  My experience was terrible.  Here is a copy of the letter I'll be mailing tomorrow:

To the manager,

I wanted to inform you of an unfortunately disappointing  experience I had at your store.  

On Monday, 30 March I went in, in the afternoon, to make an appointment for the next day.  I was helped by Carl.  He was nice, helpful, and seemed interested in the pictures for my son's first birthday, and had some helpful suggestions for outfits or props to bring from home.  

I came in the next day (31 March) for my son's appointment, and was helped by Vanessa and Michelle initially.  They had to get all my information again, despite having provided it the previous day.  Michelle was my photographer.  Things started out ok.  She didn't really have a lot of suggestions for positioning him.  She was not good at getting his attention, or having him look the right way.  I will concede that  my son was not his normal happy self that day, but he was not overly uncooperative, especially at the beginning of the shoot.  As the session went on, his patience ran out.  She didn't suggest we take a break, or do anything that might make him happier.  I knew there wouldn't be a lot of workable images at the end.  

Towards the end, it became obvious that my son wanted to nurse, I told him I would nurse him once we were finished.  At the end of the shoot Michelle said “We have a bathroom if you want to nurse him”. I ignored this.  Once we were all packed up, and she was going to edit the images, she again said “The bathroom is just down the hall, so you can nurse him.” At this point I said “I don't feed my son in the bathroom.” It seems like your store should have enough babies/nursing mothers come in that your employees should be aware that suggesting that a mother feed her baby in the bathroom is gross, and insulting.  Not to mention California Civil Code 43.3 the right to breastfeed in any location, public or private.  

We waited for our images to be finished.  Vanessa called me over to look at the images. As I mentioned, I knew there wouldn't be a lot of usable images, but I was surprised that there were only 17.  And the majority of these were not anything I would choose for a professional picture.  Most of the close up shots that were really cute had the top, or side of the head cut off.  A few of the full shots that were good clearly showed the plastic “wood” flooring pealing up.  Vanessa didn't say anything and seemed really bored to be there.

I was apprehensive about getting my son's pictures from Picture People to begin with, and apparently for good reason.  I won't be returning to your store, or chain, and will definitely dissuade others from going there.

Yeah, it was terrible. Fortunately, I only spent $20,

Originally, we had pictures scheduled with Abby, a girl I know from church. (I say girl, but she's probably just a couple years younger than me). We were scheduled mid-March, but then Bertie and Aaron were sick. So we moved to the next Saturday. But then the baby they were adopting came five weeks early, so she and her hubby had to rush out to Ohio. She just updated her facebook today, the birth mom changed her mind. When I read that, my gut sank. I'm heartbroken for them. They were involved from the very beginning. I went down to tell Dennis, since he knew about the adoption. I was telling him, and he reacted as anyone would. At that moment Janet walked up and asked what happened. (She's never met Abby, and doesn't know her). I told her, and she started crying. (For those who don't know, Aaron was adopted at birth. Janet and Dennis are his parents. He didn't meet his bio-mom until he was 24). This, of course, made me cry. There's nothing you can say, or do. It's human nature to want to help, but this is a helpless situation.

On to better things.

Aside from the terrible news above, today was a pretty good day. I had an early start. Bertie woke up at 3, I let him fuss for 15 or 20 minutes (he was more whining than anything else). Then I went in, changed him, nursed him, and laid him back down. I couldn't go back to sleep. I got up a little after 4. I left for work at 6. Work was normal. When I got home, Bertie was sleeping, but woke up as soon as I went in the house. He was sleeping on the floor. His eyes snapped open, he looked at me, and crawled right over. He also crawled up the stairs twice! That's the first time he's done that. We went to Safeway and got Seltzer water (I'm nearly 2 weeks diet coke free!). Then I decided we would go to Red Lobster for lunch, I had a gift card. I got 1.5 lbs of crab legs. Bertram is usually a bottomless pit, so I assumed he'd eat a lot. He did eat two biscuits, but only a little crab. So we'll have lunch tomorrow. I thought he was tired (I know I was), so we went home. I laid down with him, and then put him in his bed. He didn't sleep. We then went for a nice walk. When we got back, I laid him down again. I got dinner started. I made a Mexican casserole. He still didn't sleep, so I drew and bath, and we both got in. Aaron came home, we got dried and dressed, and ate dinner. Aaron didn't like it, I thought it was good. We walked the dogs. And Bertie went to bed. I'll be doing that same soon.

In Response

http://rationalfaiths.com/so-when-you-gonna-have-kids/

I saw the above blog post and wanted to write a response.  Or maybe a similar blog.

Most people know my story, but I'll do a quick recap, just in case.  My husband and I got married 8 years ago.  We were 23 and 22, respectively.  At that point, we were no where near ready to start a family.  We were both still students, living in one of the most expensive areas of the country, and both working part time.

After a year of marriage, we moved to Utah, so my husband could pursue his Master's degree.  While living there, we could have afforded kids, even with him still being in school.  But we weren't ready yet.  After that, my husband enrolled in law school in San Francisco.  We moved back to one of the most expensive parts of the country.  My husband commuted 2+ hours every day. We lived on my income and his student loans.  And even with reduced rent (living in a house owned by his parents) we were barely scrapping by.  (Note, we didn't have a lot of luxuries, no cable, slower internet, no smart phones etc).

In the middle of his 2nd year of law school, we decided it would be a good time to start trying to have a baby.  We figured that by the time I got pregnant, and then gave birth he'd be just about done with school.
Then Crohns happened.  I was diagnosed after a major flare up that caused me to loose 20+ lbs in 3 months.  At this time we were told to stop trying until the Crohns was under control.

A lot of time passed, with no Crohns remission.  At that point we started looking into adoption.  We had both always wanted to adopt, but that process was much more daunting than we'd ever imagined.  LDS Family Services was more expensive, and less responsive than I'd anticipated.  Regular private adoption was MUCH more expensive than either of us thought ($15,000 on the low end).  So we put all baby plans on hold.  At this point we both had good jobs, and were living comfortably.  But we couldn't afford $15k, especially since it is all due up front.

Towards the end of 2012 (we'd been married 7.5 years at this point), I got the "Okay" to start trying again.  We were/are in a bit of a hurry to get me pregnant.  Who knows how long my Crohns will be under control?    It's been about 9 months at this point.

So now to my thoughts on the article:
It's really nice to know there are others in the same boat.  I'm hoping some people from "the other side" read it as well.  Aka, the breeders, the people who never had any problems getting pregnant, and were able to have as many kids as they saw fit.  Because the people who have been in my shoes, the author's shoes, many of my friend's shoes, know better than to ask the stupid questions, or say idiotic things.

Here are some of my "favourites" from over the years (these are all things I heard either at church, or from LDS members):

• Multiple testimonies from pregnant women (or new moms) about how grateful they were that God trusted them enough to bless them with children
• From the pulpit that God doesn't give kids to people who aren't ready (which explains all the teen moms, right?)
• From two different people that said we lacked faith by not trying to start a family from day one
• In a Sunday School lesson that a woman doesn't know true love until a newborn baby is placed on her belly.  
• That a family without kids is incomplete
• That a woman can't fulfill her eternal calling without having kids.

And of course the usual when are you going to have kids? and what are you waiting for?

When we were ready, but not able, I did something that I guess is unheard of.  I came out.  I teach in Relief Society (ladies' sunday school) once a month.  And I took the opportunity to tell everyone that we wanted kids, but weren't able to make them.  We would love to adopt, but couldn't afford it.  I'm generally an open person, I don't have secrets.  So it wasn't a big deal for me to "come out."  The main reason I did that was for self preservation.  I didn't want to hear the question anymore.  I didn't want to have to explain my pain on a weekly basis.  After coming out, I got a lot of comments about how brave I was, how other people couldn't do that.  I got several personal stories sent to my facebook inbox.  And suddenly I was less alone.  No one wants to talk about it, but once someone mentions it, everyone feels safe to talk.  

I had people who were more sensitive to what they said.  I had people asking if there was anything I needed (I always said, "be on the lookout for knock up teens whose baby needs a good home").

That's all I can think of on this now.  

Lack of adoption

On Wednesday, Aaron and I went to an orientation with Adoption Connection.  We were both excited and nervous to go.  But for the most part, it turned out to be very disappointing.

The company sounds great.  They usually have 90-120 families waiting to adopt, and generally make about 50 placements a year.  Those are pretty good odds.  And their moms are generally a little more put together, a little older, and they don't do any crisis situations or special needs.  All of that sounded really great, until we got to the payment sheet.  Their fees are pretty standard among private open adoption firms.  It goes something like this:

• $275 for your start up fee
• $2300 for homestudy
• $8000 for the organization to advertise you, and find you a match
• Birthmother fees $0-2000
• Legal fees $2000-3000

All in all, their total came to $12-17k.  But most private adoptions in California average $15k-28k.  Which means at this rate, it'll be another 6-7 years before we can even start.

We'll sign up with LDS FS, but their placement seems very low, since there are a lot of families who want babies, and not a lot of babies.  But it's way cheaper.  I think it's $100 for start up and $1000 or $1200 for homestudy.  Plus they cap what you pay based on income.

I'm also going to look into Fost-adopt.  I know they are not expensive, but I think it's harder to come by non-special needs babies.  

I've mostly gone into free fall since that meeting.  It just seems like there is no way: we can afford it, or (if we can afford it) we would get chosen.  It's a pretty hopeless feeling.

Things have been tough lately.  Conference weekend is supposed to be uplifting, and comforting.  It was the exact opposite.  There were too many talks about kids who died.  And Elder Oaks, who I normally love, gave a talk that crushed me.  I was sobbing before it was over.  Not good sobbing, sobbing because my heart was breaking.  I can't even remember what was said, but it was about kids, it was frustrating, and crushing.  I do remember he said a child is best when in the home with it's biological parents.  And I thought oh great, another strike for us.

I don't really know what to do.  I feel like being in the church is making things harder.  My faith is failing me.  Or I'm failing it.

Aaron's having a hard time too.  He's not as vocal about it as I am.  But I just feel broken.

Another down day

The last few days in the Keeleyshire have been a bit morose.  I think we've both settled into a depression.  I know Father's Day had more of an effect on Aaron than he let on.  Then Aaron was gone for a couple days this week.  And things have been stressful at work (not bad stressful, just busy stressful).

The clean dishes in the dishwasher had been there since Wednesday.  There was a load of laundry left in the washer (also since Wednesday).  A sink full of dishes.  A basket of clean clothes to be put away (and two empty underwear drawers).  In other words, a messy house.  For those who don't know me well, I can't ignore mess.  I need the house to be clean; clutter makes me anxious.  Yet, somehow, the last few days, it didn't cross my mind much (aside from me wishing it wasn't there).

We spent most of the day napping off and on.  Or sitting around and not doing anything.  It was the opposite of most Saturdays.  (I usually spend the morning cleaning the house and doing laundry).

We did go out at one point, to buy a ThunderShirt for Yoie.  She always gets really scared of fireworks.  Last year, she had an accident, and then hid under the desk, shaking.  There hasn't been much in the way of fireworks today.  Just a few firecrackers off and on.  But the shirt seems to work pretty well so far.

Then we slept more.  In the afternoon we went to the baptism of our friends' son, Will.  It was a little bittersweet.  It's getting more and more difficult (for both Aaron and I) to go to church things, due to the abundance of kids (and babies).  Today was no exception.  And of course, it makes you think about your own progeny (or lack there of).  Aaron handles everything a lot better than I do (or, at least less noticeably).  I started crying on the way home.

On the adoption front... there is nothing.  I'd been emailing back and forth with the rep from LDS family services.  And she painted kind of a bleak picture.  They're not accepting any applications right now, since they're in between social workers.  They'll start accepting again in December.  She said it takes a long time to place babies with families, if at all.   Compared to other private agencies, it's cheap.  However, you pay $1000 just to get in the system.  Then another $1000 yearly, to keep your application active.  And it usually takes 3-4 years (if at all).  I'd rather pay a larger amount up front, and get a baby sooner, rather than stretching it out for years and years.

I'm still really angry that my body has betrayed me.