Trying

Trying to wean. 

I want to wean Bronwyn.
I want my body back.  For it to just belong to me.  I want to be able to take better drugs for depression.  To get back on Adderall.  So I can have energy.  I want other people to be able to comfort her.  Plus she's going to be two in July. 

I don't want to wean Bronwyn.
In reality, I love nursing her (95% of the time). She comes up and says "neh!" I'm not sure how nurse became neh, but that's what she says.  I love that she still needs me that way.  There is something very... connecting.  And it's built in snuggles.  I'm (we're) 90% sure that she will be the last child, so I don't really want to rush weaning. 

Trying to run.

For some reason, I can't run.  I'm not in pain, but I use can't make my body do it.  I'll start, and 10 seconds later just stop.  So I've been walking.  But I want to run.  I used to be okay at it, but now, I just can't, and I don't know why.  I kind of feel broken.

Just trying.

I just want to be happy.  I want to feel like a human.  I feel like I was normal once.  Now I just feel mostly sad.  And tired.  I still keep trying with church.  But, really, I'm ready to stop, at least for now.  It's not working for me, and it's not making me happy.


All that being said, I am trying.  I am putting one foot in front of the other, every day.  Each night, because bed, we, as a family, talk about one thing we're grateful for. 

List of goings on

• I switched to the 10k instead of the half.  I will do a half at some point, but I'm not going to be ready.  I haven't been keeping up with running very well.  Kids sleeping issues, my sleeping issues, etc.  But I'll keep pushing forward.  
• I have been doing A LOT of yard work.  It's starting to look acceptable.  I've been weeding, and mowing, clipping.  Aaron planted my orange tree.  
• Ants have been coming in the past couple days.  That's been a pain.  But so far they've been manageable.  
• The weather has been really nice lately.  (Thus all the yard work).  Being outside feels nice.
• Depression is kicking my butt a bit.  But I can't change medicine til I wean Bronwyn.  Maybe next weekend.  

I've been sitting with my computer open for an hour.  I can't think of anything else to say at the moment.