Grandma's memorial was on Saturday.  It was a nice service.  I cried through the whole thing.  I'm still not used to the idea that she's gone.  I wonder if I ever will be.

On Wednesday I went to the rheumatologist for the first time.  She said what we basically knew which is that the crohns could be causing the arthritis or they could be independent of each other.  If they are related they should both flare at the same time.  I'm getting a colonoscopy in a couple of weeks, so that will shed some light on it.  But we still won't know if it will get better, worse or stay the same.  In the mean time, I have exercises to do, and some new medication.  Added to my large collection of medication is folic acid, Mobic, and methotrexate.  Mobic is an NSAID (like Advil).  The folic acid is to help combat the side effects of the methotrexate.  Methotrexate is like a scary medication, at least for me.  It's used to treat specific types on cancer and some auto immune diseases.  (Like Humira) it's an immunosuppressant, unlike Humira it has a lot of drug interactions, and isn't safe for pregnancy.  They were very specific: do not get pregnant on this medication. We're fairly sure we're done having kids, but if we decide to have another I have to be off the methotrexate for 3-4 months before we start trying.  Anyway, I took the first dose on Wednesday.  It didn't treat me well.  Since then, I haven't been feeling too badly, just really tired.  One of the good things about methotrexate is that it improves the effectiveness of Humira, and hopefully will help with my arthritis.  I'm doing the acupuncture once a week, I'm not sure that it's helping.  But it doesn't hurt, and it's a $10 copay.

Always catching up

Grandma passed away a week ago (last Tuesday), 6 days before her 95th birthday.  It still doesn't feel real.  We (the extended family) have been hanging out at her house a lot.  When I walk down there, I suddenly remember that she's not there.  Her memorial (and interment) are on Saturday.  Bertram is having a hard time.  He doesn't want to talk about her, or his feelings, at all.  I do try to talk to him periodically.  If anyone has suggestions, I'd love to hear it.

I had my first acupuncture appointment yesterday.  And (surprisingly?) my back is feeling a bit better today.  My elbow has been hurting for a few months, and I thought it was tendinitis.  But I think/worry it's more arthritis.  Actually, now any joint pain makes me concerned about my bones.  (My ankles were hurting this morning).  I know my bone density and calcium are good.  But I'm prone to worry.  Also, I'd love for my body to function properly.  I miss being able to run.  I may see if there is some yoga I can do.  Or water aerobics was also suggested.
Apparently, I get yearly colonoscopies now.  I'm doing mine in early July.  My tummy has been having some twinges of pain off and on.  So I guess it's good.  But having to do the prep every year, ugh. 

Bron is finally feeling better.  She had a slight reaction to the ammox, a flat rash.  The doctor said that 10% of kids get a non-allergic rash.  She's been a good sleeper and napper as of late (knock on wood).  She is starting to make 2 and 3 word sentences.  She loves music (wheels on the bus, baby shark, etc).  She is adding in a few more signs (mostly "please").  She knows a few letters and numbers and shapes.  She is very dramatic when she's upset.  That toddler melt to the floor thing.  But usually she's good spirited.

Bertram has been into the Hilo book series.  He likes reading but graphic novels specifically.  He asks what words mean when he doesn't know.  He has an amazing memory.  He was telling me something in the car on Sunday, and I wasn't understanding.  Once I got more information, I learned he was telling me about one of the campaign adds, from last November!  He's doing well at speech therapy.  He is starting to draw more people. 

"This is me walking a dog"

Catching up again

I'm towards the end of a 10-day social media fast.  I really hate it.  I think's harder as a stay at home mom. Social media is sort of how I have friends.  It's been lonely, and isolating. It was suggested in the general conference for church to do a 10-day social media fast, and (re-)read the Book of Mormon by the end of the year.  I've mentioned it before, but I have pretty much no faith at the moment.  Well, no feeling of faith.  I try, and I just don't feel like I'm getting it, if that makes any sense.  So, I thought, I would try to follow the advice of the president of the church, and see if it might bring me closer to Christ.  In the recent past, the more I try the further away I feel.  But I thought I'd try again.  Try and try again.  No results so far, but I'm not any worse off because of it.  (Except the isolation).

Last Saturday Aaron help his cousin build a fence.  He was sore for a few days, and mentioned his arm was bothering him.  Tuesday Bronwyn and I went to Kaiser.  I did my quarterly blood draw, and Bron got her HiB, Pneumococcal, and tDap boosters.  Tuesday after work, Aaron mentioned his arm was really starting to bother him.  He went to Urgent Care in the evening.  They said it was tendinitis. Tuesday night, he took ibuprofen and benedryl and went to bed early.  I came back around midnight.  And he was awake in pain that got worse.  He was writhing and moaning.  He took a Norco, and it didn't touch the pain.  So around 3 am, I called my Mother in Law (who lives 2 houses away) to ask her to stay with the kids.  We went back to Kaiser, to the ER.  There are no wait, which was nice, we were out in under an hour.  He saw the NP, she confirmed that it was tendinitis.  He got a shot of to tordol and dilaudid.  It took a while, but those helped some, and he finally went to sleep.  He stayed home from work Wednesday.  His arm was still hurting.  We went back to Kaiser that afternoon.  Aaron saw another doctor who wrote him a prescription for Flexeril.  He took that, it worked, then slept for about 17 hours straight.  Friday he went back to work.  So it was a fun week.

I start with Amazon is a couple of days (Sunday at 12:30am actually).  I'm feeling anxious, which is compounded by the fact that I have not received all the new hire paperwork yet.  I talked to an employment rep who said this was fine.  So maybe I'll get it before I start?  I'd like to know my schedule too.  Not that it matters too much, because it's always in the middle of the night.  But I'd just like to know.

The lump on my neck is still there, it feels a little smaller.  I'm almost done with the antibiotic, though it's taking a toll on my body's flora (or is it fauna?).  Grumble.

Bertie was really good yesterday.  Today he is really bad.  Not listening, having a lot of consequences etc.  He's driving me crazy.  It's nap/quiet time now, and I've had to tuck him in 3 times 4 times already (in a less than 30 minute period).

I finished 30 days of yoga yesterday.  Now Bri and I are alternating choosing workouts every week.

At Target today, I found an unopened bag of Hershey Kisses in my cart in the parking lot.  Score!

I tried to count Macros yesterday and failed.  I may try again in the future, but I need to research what I should be eating.

waiting.

This morning I found a lump on the side of my neck.  It's small, like a hard contact lens.  I called advice, but the wait was long, so I made an appointment instead.

At 11:30 Bertie and I went to the doctor.  My hope was she would say "Oh, that is nothing.  Don't even worry about it!"  It's not nothing, but it may not be something either.  She said it is on my lymphnode.  It's possibly an infection.  She asked if I'd be open to trying a course of antibiotics (she's usually reticent to give antibiotics).  So I have some Keflex.  She said that ENT wouldn't do a biopsy unless it's been present for a month (or longer).

So we wait.

Take the Keflex and hope it goes away.

It's scary to think about even the idea of cancer.  Especially since I've long had the feeling that I would die young, from cancer.

But it's probably nothing.  Hopefully it goes away.

Weirdness

I really want to complain about how frustrated I am.  But I won't.  There's nothing major going on, I'm just irritable.

Instead I'll write about pregnancy weirdness.

• I feel like I hiccup and burp a lot.  
• My face has been extra oily.  My hair is also really oily.  I used to be able to wash my hair twice a week.  But now if I don't do it every other day, it gets gross.
• I don't have to pee all the time during the day, but for some reason, I'm up about 4 times during the night.
• I don't recognize my boobs anymore.  I've always been pretty small chested.  (The only one in my family, everyone else is chesty).   My sister is always congratulating me on finally becoming a woman.  I think I'm almost as big as her.  :-P
• I'm hot all the time.  And sweaty.  And more smelly than before.  
• I've been feeling better now that I'm in the second trimester.  But I'm still having food aversions. I still can't eat tofu, soy, or TVP based foods.  
• I'm really fortunate in my job.  Mojo will be able to come to work with me, and I may have the option to work from home too.  

In Response

http://rationalfaiths.com/so-when-you-gonna-have-kids/

I saw the above blog post and wanted to write a response.  Or maybe a similar blog.

Most people know my story, but I'll do a quick recap, just in case.  My husband and I got married 8 years ago.  We were 23 and 22, respectively.  At that point, we were no where near ready to start a family.  We were both still students, living in one of the most expensive areas of the country, and both working part time.

After a year of marriage, we moved to Utah, so my husband could pursue his Master's degree.  While living there, we could have afforded kids, even with him still being in school.  But we weren't ready yet.  After that, my husband enrolled in law school in San Francisco.  We moved back to one of the most expensive parts of the country.  My husband commuted 2+ hours every day. We lived on my income and his student loans.  And even with reduced rent (living in a house owned by his parents) we were barely scrapping by.  (Note, we didn't have a lot of luxuries, no cable, slower internet, no smart phones etc).

In the middle of his 2nd year of law school, we decided it would be a good time to start trying to have a baby.  We figured that by the time I got pregnant, and then gave birth he'd be just about done with school.
Then Crohns happened.  I was diagnosed after a major flare up that caused me to loose 20+ lbs in 3 months.  At this time we were told to stop trying until the Crohns was under control.

A lot of time passed, with no Crohns remission.  At that point we started looking into adoption.  We had both always wanted to adopt, but that process was much more daunting than we'd ever imagined.  LDS Family Services was more expensive, and less responsive than I'd anticipated.  Regular private adoption was MUCH more expensive than either of us thought ($15,000 on the low end).  So we put all baby plans on hold.  At this point we both had good jobs, and were living comfortably.  But we couldn't afford $15k, especially since it is all due up front.

Towards the end of 2012 (we'd been married 7.5 years at this point), I got the "Okay" to start trying again.  We were/are in a bit of a hurry to get me pregnant.  Who knows how long my Crohns will be under control?    It's been about 9 months at this point.

So now to my thoughts on the article:
It's really nice to know there are others in the same boat.  I'm hoping some people from "the other side" read it as well.  Aka, the breeders, the people who never had any problems getting pregnant, and were able to have as many kids as they saw fit.  Because the people who have been in my shoes, the author's shoes, many of my friend's shoes, know better than to ask the stupid questions, or say idiotic things.

Here are some of my "favourites" from over the years (these are all things I heard either at church, or from LDS members):

• Multiple testimonies from pregnant women (or new moms) about how grateful they were that God trusted them enough to bless them with children
• From the pulpit that God doesn't give kids to people who aren't ready (which explains all the teen moms, right?)
• From two different people that said we lacked faith by not trying to start a family from day one
• In a Sunday School lesson that a woman doesn't know true love until a newborn baby is placed on her belly.  
• That a family without kids is incomplete
• That a woman can't fulfill her eternal calling without having kids.

And of course the usual when are you going to have kids? and what are you waiting for?

When we were ready, but not able, I did something that I guess is unheard of.  I came out.  I teach in Relief Society (ladies' sunday school) once a month.  And I took the opportunity to tell everyone that we wanted kids, but weren't able to make them.  We would love to adopt, but couldn't afford it.  I'm generally an open person, I don't have secrets.  So it wasn't a big deal for me to "come out."  The main reason I did that was for self preservation.  I didn't want to hear the question anymore.  I didn't want to have to explain my pain on a weekly basis.  After coming out, I got a lot of comments about how brave I was, how other people couldn't do that.  I got several personal stories sent to my facebook inbox.  And suddenly I was less alone.  No one wants to talk about it, but once someone mentions it, everyone feels safe to talk.  

I had people who were more sensitive to what they said.  I had people asking if there was anything I needed (I always said, "be on the lookout for knock up teens whose baby needs a good home").

That's all I can think of on this now.  

Busy

I've been doing a lot of yard work lately.  I'm trying to make it look like someone who cares lives here, instead of hobos.  Last week I did a lot of the bushes and tree.  I had 7 wheelbarrows and one trashcan full of yard waste.  This week I mowed the lawns, and did edging.  We only have a hand (non-electric) edger and it is A LOT of work.  I did about a third of the front yard.  I still need to finish the edging and clean out the flower beds.  I've been watering the lawns a lot too.  Usually I let them get too dry in the summer.  I'm trying to keep them looking... nice?  Better?  The back lawn in especially bad.  I think I need grass seeds, or something.

This week has gone by slowly.  I've been counting down the days til I get to see Aaron.  Since I didn't see him last week, it's been too long. But tomorrow is the day!  Yay!

I switched my nose stud to a ring.  I really like it.  Not the best picture of me, but you get the idea.

I started the cancer prevention study today.  It's a long term study 20-30 years.  So far I've done a couple surveys, and today I got a couple measurements, and had a blood draw.  Easy Peasy.

After almost 4 months, I finally got my period.  Geez, it's been really crazy.  I've been talking to my obgyn.  She said after a year of trying I could see an infertility doctor.  But that's not covered by my insurance.  Grr.  Fingers crossed my ovaries start doing the right thing.  

Today, I was walking the dogs.  My neighbour, Steve, was his yard playing with his dog Dennis (either a full Pit, or Pit mix.  Dennis is the nicest dog.  We walked the other way, and I didn't think Dennis saw us.  Then I heard Steve yell "Dennis!  No!"  Dennis came running towards us.  I wasn't worried about him, because he's nice.  I was a little concerned about how Zelda and Yoie would act; they both get nervous around other dogs.  I held Yoie back.  Dennis came and smelled Zelda, she smelled him.  Eventually Yoie's barking caused Zelda to bark.  And then Steve got Dennis, and apologized profusely.  This whole thing was maybe 5-10 seconds.  I was pretty happy with the result for the most part.

Work is going well.  I've been pretty busy, but I actually was completely caught up a couple times.  It's been a while since that happened.

That's it for now!

Blog dump

I've been meaning to write for a while, but things keep coming up.

Aaron:
He's been at camp for about a week now.  Things have been going ok here.  Things at camp have been hectic, and crappy.  I miss him, but I'm doing ok.  I don't mind being alone too much.  He's been good about calling every day, which helps a lot.  I'm going up to see him this weekend, hopefully it's not awful.

Work:
Work is going very well.  I got a raise today!  And starting next year, I'll be getting 120 hours of PTO (I'm getting 96 right now).  Plus I'm feeling more caught up, so things are less stressful.  I really enjoy my job.  I like that I'm along most of the time.  Also, I can go exercise on my lunch, and come back all sweaty and gross, and I'm only offending myself.

Health and Wellness:
Dr Hensley (my shrink) ok'd me to get back on Adderall until I get pregnant.  That has made a HUGE difference.  I'm not having trouble keeping my eyes open in the morning, and I have energy.
Last week, I did really well at exercising.  I ran MTWF. I walked on Thursday, and did a stair workout on Saturday.  This week has been slower going.  I did a long walk yesterday.  Today I only did the dog walk.  I haven't been sleeping well for the past few days.  So I was tired, and just didn't feel great.  I'm not sure I'll get much of an opportunity to run the rest of the week.  Tomorrow will probably be my last chance, since it's supposed to be super hot (around 100 for the next 5-6 days!).  I may ride the stationary bike to get some exercise.
I've been counting calories as well.  (Another good thing about Adderall is that I'm not very hungry most of the time, as opposed to before when I was always starving).  I'm down about 4 lbs so far.  That is a very encouraging start.  14 more lbs to get back where I was.
I've also cut way back on Diet Coke.  I still love Diet Coke.

The Rest:
I made Zelda a new dog coat yesterday.  Well, I did most of it yesterday.  I finished it today.  I still want to put a couple of patches on it.  I'm going to try to make a matching one for Yoie, if there's time.
I've been working on making the lawns look nicer.  Lots and lots of water.
Sunday was our 8th anniversary.  It was lame, since we didn't spend it together.  Also, he didn't get me a card or anything.  I sent him one.  Oh well.
I went to church on Sunday, and stayed for all three hours.  Yay me.