Hope and Change.

Nope, it's not a political post.

I really need a change.  The way things are now isn't working, so I assume it will continue not working.  I'm sure a lot of what I'm feeling has to do with my consumption of Prednisone, but still...

Work has been kind of stressful, but it seems we've gotten through the stressful bits, and are on the right track once again.  That is a definite plus.

However, my depression and anxiety are getting worse.  Again, I assume it's Prednisone related, however, I still have about a month of Prednisone left, and I don't like the way I feel.  I'll be going along, just fine, then suddenly have this overwhelming, crushing sadness.  Or I'll be out driving around, and see someone walking a dog.  I'll think Oh what a cute dog.  Then I think of Zelda and Yoie, then the anxiety sets in.  Are they ok?  Did something bad happen?  What if the house caught of fire?  They'd be stuck inside!  It's unfortunate that being agoraphobic actually seems like a good option.  I'm going to email my shrink on Monday and see if he can adjust me meds a bit.

I'm still tired all the time.  And I've been eating like... I can't think of a good simile.  Like something like eats a lot.  Plus the Prednisone makes me puffy, so even if I'm not actually gaining weight (which would be a miracle) I'm rounder.

I know things will get better.  I know this isn't permanent.  I know this.  I just can't remember what it's like to feel normal.

Getting out of my comfort zone.

I've been trying to push myself a little this week.  My shrink suggested it.  So I've been doing things I don't want to do.  For example, I exercised 2 days this week.  Friday, after work I drove up and met Aaron at the temple.  Today I had a voicemail from a lady in the ward inviting me to go to Panera with her and some others during men's conference.  I would normally have just ignored something like this.  My agoraphobia has been worse lately.  And I'm not the best at social situations, interacting with people.  Especially Mormon women, at times.  Generally I'm way more liberal than any of the others I come across (which isn't saying much, because I'm not overly liberal by mainstream standards... actually, maybe that says a lot).  But I had fun, and was glad I went.

But generally I still feel like I'm sinking.  Becoming more withdrawn.

Also my coworker/best buddy left for maternity leave on Thursday.  I spent more time with her than anyone (just by virtue of being in the same place for hours a day).  So that's kind of a bummer.