Day 162

 School started a week and a half ago.  It's gone... ok.  There is a lot of waiting around, for other kids to finish.  And writing is still challenging.  (Not like letters, like sentences.)  I have inquired to his IEP head about independent study.  As it seems like that may be a better fit for not being in the classroom.  But we'll see.  He has had some breakdowns, and anger fits, which I suppose it's abnormal, but doing it on camera (thankfully muted) is not great.

The state is on fire.  There was a dry lightning storm last Sunday.  It sparked wild fires all over the state.  Close to us is the CZU lightning complex fire (Santa Cruz Mountains highway 9 all the way down to hwy 1.  Ben Lomond, and Bonny Dune, as well as Big Basin state park are gone), The SCU Lightning complex fire, (This one is the closest to us: Behind and around lick observatory/Mt Hamilton, stretching up to the outskirts of Milpitas and Fremont, and East down the other side of the mountain.)  There is one down past Gilroy, and another up near Napa.  Plus further north, and down to just south of LA.  So it's not hyperbole to say the state is on fire.  We have started putting together an emergency tote, I don't anticipate needed it for this particular disaster, but it's good to be ready.  Also, my "favourite" is that trump said it's because we didn't rake the forests enough.  FFS.

Between the fires, heatwave and Covid, we have been stuck inside a lot.  We're watching a good amount of movies.  I've gotten a little outside time, but not enough.  I'm going a little more crazy than usual.

The Buspar didn't last long, I got headaches a lot.  I just started Abilify, hopefully it will be a good match.

Kitties are doing well.  They have free run of the house, although, they are door darters.  But they run all around, which is cute.  They are about twice as big as when we got them (Weight wise, but probably close on height/length).  Oona is a loud purr-er.  Shy Guy is not too shy.

I don't think there is too much else to talk about.  As nothing is really happening.  

Day 135

We moved into the next phase of reopening for a whopping 2 days before everything closed again.  Not sure why the powers that be thought reopening as the numbers rose would be a good idea.  So things are continuing in the same direction.  Numbers keep going up.

School is going to be completely online through (at least) 2 August.  They are expected to be available/on the computer (?) from 8-2.  I was hoping it would be a little more open form like the end of last year.  I'm not sure how it will go, I guess it's supposed to be a mix of online class, individual teacher time, and possibly small groups (online).  (Though there has been some talk about doing small pods in addition to this, but we'll see how it all shakes out).  So, due to this new schedule we needed to change Bertram's time and day for speech.  And his time for ABA will change, and he will likely have to get a new tech, which sucks.  But to keep the same one we'd have to do 5:30-8:30, which is too late (as bedtime is 8).  But maybe the school schedule won't be so rigid, but it's all in flux.  We don't have his class assignment yet, and thus haven't heard from the teacher about her plan.  It's all stressing me out.  And I know this is going to be difficult for Bertram too. 

I stopped taking Remeron. It wasn't helping, and it made me hungry all the time.  I will be trying BuSpar. We'll see how that goes.  I kind of feel like I want to switch the Wellbutrin+Zoloft combo, but the shrink seems to be hesitant to do that.  I feel like I'm in a bad head space.  Like having a base level of anxiety all the time.  Plus, I feel like I'm failing at everything.  And I'm just on edge all the time. 

We adopted two kittens that we abandoned, and malnourished.  (Aaron's cousin's neighbour found them under her deck).  Originally I just wanted the girl, since we've had issues with boy cats spraying.  But they were bonded, so we took them both.  They were born at the beginning of June, so they're about 8 weeks old.  Bertram named the boy Shy-Guy (which is a character in Mario), and Aaron and I named the girl Oona.

Oona

Shy-Guy

They're been confined to our bedroom and bathroom.  They are super friendly and very playful.

Our washer died today, which a barrel full of water and wet clothes.  It was 14 years old. Fortunately, we're in a position that replacing it wasn't a huge burden.  Really more of an annoyance than anything.  But we got a nice LG washer.

We've (Aaron, Bertram and I) have been learning to play pokemon cards.  It's pretty fun.  Bertram keeps trying to cheat, which is weird because he doesn't actually care about winning.

Bronwyn's birthday was a couple weeks ago.  My baby is 3.  We didn't do much for her in terms of a party.  I made a cake, and we gathered on grandma and grandpa's lawn. 

Day 63

Still going crazy.  Dealing the best I can.

I've been listening to a lot of audiobooks.  Some good, some less good.  I just finished A Man Named Ove, which I loved.  Prior to that I "read" Guns, Germs, and Steel, which had been on my list for a long time.  It was not very good, and for a book called Guns, Germs and Steel it talked very little about any of those topics.  It also felt very redundant.  I guess it wasn't for me, but I finished.  I think I've done 46 books this year.  

Aside from audiobooks, I've been weeding (Still).  It's the thing I really look forward to each day.  I love being outside, and digging and accomplishing something.  Sometimes the kids join me (not to weed, just to play outside).

Our county is the lone holdout in California for leaving stage 1.  Though, stage 2 isn't much different, at least not for us.  The numbers are looking pretty good currently (for here, anyway).  I think we've done really well (thank you Dr Sara Cody).  There are almost 2 million people, we've had 2400 confirmed Covid cases, and 135 deaths.  I am going to try to donate blood this week.  The banks are in need, though, my stupid A+ blood is not super helpful.  It's something I can do.  We've also been ordering take away food from local restaurants three (or more) times a week. 
The rest of our (Aaron's) family seems to think the stay home order has been lifted, and are gathering again.  (Not that that ever stopped his parents anyway).  We go and visit his parents by sitting on the lawn while they sit on the porch.  My FiL asked how long we were going to keep this up (meaning not coming into the house, assembling etc).  I said we're following the guidelines set by the county, which he couldn't argue with.  But we're now the stick in the mud, because we won't join the group.  I'm sure it's been a topic of conversation.  It's annoying.  And I would love to assemble, and sent the kids there, but I'm going to follow the rules.  I'm immuno-suppressed (And his parents average age is 77).  

I've been on Remeron for a little over a month now.  It works really well, but it makes me hungry a lot, which is one of the side effects, so it may not be a sustainable long term solution.  But at this point it's kind of hard to tell if weight gain (up 7ish lbs currently) is from quarantine, or medication.

We bought a new laptop (which I'm currently using) to help with Bertram's school stuff.  We were using the desktop, but it was not super conducive to him paying attention.  This is working  much better, plus we have the space of the whole kitchen table.

Aaron has been looking at plane tickets.  We had talked about doing a big trip for either his 40th birthday or our 15th anniversary. Our anniversary is in less than a month, so that's out.  But plane tickets to Europe are ridiculously cheap ($300ish for London, Rome and Paris).  I would like to make a move on that, but everything is too unsettled.  I can't really plan for anything that far out.

Bronwyn likes to recite books.  She has an amazing memory.  She really likes the Elephant and Piggie books.  And the Three Cats books by Viviane Schwarz.  She likes puzzles, and her little dinosaurs.  She loves to wear necklaces and hats.  She doesn't like most food, or sleeping.  She likes playing outside.  If she has chalk, she wants me to draw a house, a shark, or a snowman.  She picks (usually) unripe fruit from the plants and brings it to me.  As she hands it over she says "thank you".  

Bertram has been reluctantly doing school.  I am very glad I don't home school.  I couldn't handle it, for sure.  And he does better with the structure of the class room.  He's having a hard time being home.  He doesn't say so, but it's affecting him/his behaviour.  He really just wants screen time all the time.  And he's getting way more than he usually would.  But he's been reading, and drawing.  His ABA tech comes during the week, which helps some.  Tonight Bertram wanted to try using the waterpik (which I just got this week).  It went about as well as you'd guess.  He's not ready for it.

Both kids have been playing outside as much as I can make them.  I fill the little paddle pool, and they play with that.  They make mud in the part of the garden we're not using and play in there a lot.  They use the sand box (we need a bigger one though).  Stuff like that.  Aaron and I have both been baking a lot.  He makes bread and has been fiddling with sourdough recipes.  I've been doing cookies and cakes.   

Bertram has been sick with a fever and cough for a week.  He just left to see the dr again (I think he was there on Monday). It looks like he will miss 6 days of school, which is bad enough on it's own, but next week is Fall Break.  Which means he is out of school for 2 weeks. Also, I'm going crazy, mostly being stuck at home, with at least one whiny kid (though usually 2).  Bron has been mildly sick off and on, and we were all sick over last weekend.  So it's been a rough week.

Aside from the illness, it's been really hot.  It was close to 100͒ for 3 days.  I am so ready for Fall.  I think we're supposed to have a cold front coming in.

I changed my meds a couple weeks ago.  I didn't feel like the Cymbalta was working anymore.  So I am in the process of switching back to Zoloft.  One (or more) of my meds is making me super sweaty.  Not in a smelly way, just like embarrassingly damp.

School is going ok for Bertram.  It seems like he gets easily frustrated, so we've been working on that.  He started going to see the counselor (Mr Tony) once a week to help with interpersonal skills.  He should be starting Speech at school before too long as well.  He likes school.  The only homework they have is reading, whatever he wants.  He loves reading, so homework is easy. 

Grandma's house closed yesterday.  The little house is going to be torn down and made into a 3000sqft two story house.  That will not fit in with the neighbourhood, and will likely be worth twice as much as any other house on the street.

Grandma's memorial was on Saturday.  It was a nice service.  I cried through the whole thing.  I'm still not used to the idea that she's gone.  I wonder if I ever will be.

On Wednesday I went to the rheumatologist for the first time.  She said what we basically knew which is that the crohns could be causing the arthritis or they could be independent of each other.  If they are related they should both flare at the same time.  I'm getting a colonoscopy in a couple of weeks, so that will shed some light on it.  But we still won't know if it will get better, worse or stay the same.  In the mean time, I have exercises to do, and some new medication.  Added to my large collection of medication is folic acid, Mobic, and methotrexate.  Mobic is an NSAID (like Advil).  The folic acid is to help combat the side effects of the methotrexate.  Methotrexate is like a scary medication, at least for me.  It's used to treat specific types on cancer and some auto immune diseases.  (Like Humira) it's an immunosuppressant, unlike Humira it has a lot of drug interactions, and isn't safe for pregnancy.  They were very specific: do not get pregnant on this medication. We're fairly sure we're done having kids, but if we decide to have another I have to be off the methotrexate for 3-4 months before we start trying.  Anyway, I took the first dose on Wednesday.  It didn't treat me well.  Since then, I haven't been feeling too badly, just really tired.  One of the good things about methotrexate is that it improves the effectiveness of Humira, and hopefully will help with my arthritis.  I'm doing the acupuncture once a week, I'm not sure that it's helping.  But it doesn't hurt, and it's a $10 copay.

Another month later

So after a short stay with Effexor, I've moved onto Cymbalta.  It's only been a week or so. 

I'm getting really tired of depression.  It's really annoying to be at the mall, or reading to the kids, or driving and suddenly feel like breaking down.  Doing something fun, and wanting to break.  Then, when you are alone and can cry, nothing happens.  It's like my emotions are completely broken.  And my sex drive is completely gone.  Poor Aaron.  It's just kind of shitty all around.

My mom was out here for 3 weeks for Bertie's birthday.  It was so nice having her here, and it went way too fast.  Both kids loved having her here.  I'm not sure that Bertram ever stopped talking.  And Bron is just the most smiling, happiest kid around. 

We had Bertie's 4th birthday.  Just family, like always (or at least another year).  He wanted a PJ Masks party.  So we found decorations and balloons and all the usual things.  I made two cakes.  He originally told me he wanted a chocolate and strawberry cake.  I made one with chocolate frosting, and then he told me he wanted vanilla frosting.  So I made a second cake (which is just as well, since one probably wouldn't have been enough).  They both turned out well.  We had fruit, veggies and pizza.  Then he wanted to open gifts.  He got a lot of space stuff, books, and puzzles.  He was a happy guy.  We sang and all had cake.  The kids were playing with the star-shaped confetti, which I told them not to do while they ate.  I think Bertram must have set his fork down on one, because he started crying and gagging.  (God, it was so scary, I'm still upset over it).  I ran over and looked in his mouth, I couldn't see it.  He kept saying that it hurt, and would gag again.  I tried finger-sweeping him, with no success.  I called my mom to help.  She wasn't panicked like I was.  He gagged a few more times and out it came.  He gagged a little more and then cried and cried.  I held him and cried too.  I kept thinking, why did I put that stupid confetti there?  He got over it a lot quicker than I did.  (Since I'm still not).  But it didn't ruin his day, which is good.

He had his well check.  He is just about 50th% for height and weight.  He's still not jumping or peddling, so we're starting PT tomorrow.  And he sees the ophthalmologist on Monday to determine if he's colour blind.  I told him he wasn't getting any shots, because he was concerned.  The problem was, I didn't know he was getting boosters.  He was sad, and cried.  And I did my best not to cry, because, my emotions are out of whack. 

Anyway, on top of all the depression stuff, the kids are my sunshine.  I just think about how lucky I am to be their mom.

A month later

Another month has gone by, I should be more consistent.

I switched my antidepressant from Celexa to Effexor.  It's still pretty new, but it seems to be working alright.  I also restarted Humira, which is annoying.

Bronwyn is getting closer to crawling.  She is getting up on all fours, but only briefly.  She had her 6 month check up.  She is a tiny thing: 13.4 lbs, which is 6th %ile, and 25.75" long, which is 24th %ile.  I guess we just make little babies.  We've started some solid food, but she's not too interested.  She's tried rice cereal, avocado, and peas.  She tolerates the cereal but doesn't like much else.  She is working on her first tooth, but nothing has come through yet.  She loves to chew and drool.  But hasn't been sleeping well as a result.

My sister was here for a week to visit.  That was fun, but sad when she had to leave.  But my mom will be here in a few weeks.

I've started working on the taxes, but we're still missing Aaron's student loan stuff.  So far it looks pretty good.

Exercise
My sister and I started a new work out today: Bikini Body Mommy 6 week mini-challenge.  Six days a week, 20-30 minutes at a time, consisting of upper body, lower body and cardio. Today was day one, and I wanted to get off on the right foot.  So I got up at 5:45 so I could jog (once it's cold I can go during the day, but it's kind of nice to get up and get it done).  I jog/walked for 30ish minutes, then came home and did the upper body work out.  As I was about to get in the shower Bertie woke up (a little after 7).  And after he'd had milk, he walked over to the door and said "go!"  I figured since it was going to be super hot again today, we may as well go.  And we were out of milk, so I figured we could walk to the store after the park.  I loaded up the stroller and we headed out.  The whole way there, Bertram said "slide, slide".  We played for a while, walked to Grocery Outlet, and then walked home.  I hit 10,000 steps just before 9 am.
I'm going to aim to jog 3-4 days a week.

Nursing
We are officially done with nursing.  I felt bad, because I cut it off.  And the first couple days when Bertie was upset, he would cry "boobie, boobie" and pull on my shirt.  But now he's ok.  I have mixed feelings.  I'm glad to be done, but at the same time I miss it.

Adderall
Now that nursing is done, Adderall is back!  My shrink actually wanted me back on it sooner, but knew that nursing was important to me.  I really forgot how wonderful Adderall is, and I can see why people abuse it.  But I really feel more focused, and more importantly, awake!  I'm hoping that the combination of exercise, completing breastfeeding, and adding Adderall will help me lose some weight, because I'm tired of being chunky.

Heat
It has been so hot lately!  It was 97 today!  And it's been hot for most of the previous week.  I'm really looking forward to fall.  Sweaters, crisp air, maybe some rain?

Baby
We were trying for baby #2.  My sister is getting married next year.  Originally it was in Oct, or Nov, so I figured we could try through October, then stop if not pregnant, and start again in Spring.  (I either need to be in early to mid pregnancy, or with a new baby.  I can't travel while hugely pregnant).  But the wedding got moved up to June.  So I went back on the pill, and we'll start up again late January.  (So I have a little over 4 months to lose weight!)

Bits about today
Today was pretty good.  My MiL watched Bertie so I could shower after our walk. He took a really early nap (and was asleep before 10:30).  After he napped we met dad at Olive Garden for lunch.  I tried to have him nap again after lunch, but he didn't.  I got a letter with no return address.  In it was a $60 gift certificate to a nail salon nearby.  I have no idea who sent it, but it was a great surprise!  We had dinner with Aaron's folks.  I got the house tidied up, swept, did (and put away) laundry, dishes, etc.  So we're in good shape for tomorrow.  I have a dentist appointment at 10:40, for a cleaning.

Catch up

Bertie had a grumpy day.  It happens every now and then.  But he did mostly ok.  He took a short nap.  We went to the grocery store.  On the way there, we pass a park, at which he shouted "Slide! Slide!"  Slide and ball are his favourite words lately.

Other Bertram things: He loves going in the backyard at his grandma and grandpa's house.  Mostly because there are tomato plants, and he'll snatch them off the vine and eat them (even the green ones).  He's been learning a lot of words.  I asked him to say his name, but it just sounds like Burbur.  He likes playing in the car.  He's been asking for Nana since she left.  He looks in her room.  And when I get my phone, he'll point at it and say "Nana", then I show him her picture.  He also recognizes Aaron's ringtone.

We're now weaning in earnest.  I resented Aaron for saying it was time.  (I thought it was pretty cute that Bertie would say "boobie", but I guess Aaron didn't).  But it is time, and I'm ready to be done.  But I'll miss it.  There is an indescribable closeness that comes with it.  It was hard today, because he was having a rough time, and saying "Boobie, boobie".  He was pretty easily distracted, but I felt awful doing it.

But since, I'm doing that, I can start taking Ritalin again.

I haven't been feeling confident about my look lately.  My skin is bad, I can't make my hair look good, I'm over-weight and not digging my double chin.  I'm working on exercising more and eating better.  But, of course, nothing happens overnight.  And Bertie broke our scale, so I can't really keep track very well.

I'm going to buy my plane tickets for Virginia soon.  Bertram and I will go in early November.

A good day

• Work is going well.  I really like doing the billing.  And I like being in an office by myself most of the day.  It makes things less stressful.
• I had Shirataki Tofu noodles for dinner.  They were pretty good, and have practically no calories (especially compared to pasta).  I think the trick is to dry them really well.  Maybe I'll use the salad spinner next time.
• I made baked tofu earlier this week.  It turned out awesome.  I'm doing round 2 tonight.
• I've lost 4 lbs since I've started counting my calories.  Yay!
• After work I went hiking and took the doggies.  It was pretty good.  Zelda was getting tired.  She's out of shape.  Lazy greyhound.
• My new Adderall is great.  It's extended release, it works great.
• On Saturday I'm going to go to the outlets.  Recently, I hate all my clothes.  Actually I have good jeans, but I need skirts and shirts.  And a new pair of shoes.

On being a crazy person.

That's how I feel lately.  Depression has come back, big time.  I have no motivation to do anything, aside from sit on the couch, or go to bed.  I don't want to clean, shower, cook, go out, anything.  Yesterday I forced myself to go shopping with some free time I had (and GCs and coupons). I found some cute things, and did ok once I got out.  But not great, everything just felt... off.  Then I had to take the dogs for a walk, which I also didn't want to do.  I've been putting it off for days, or making Aaron go alone.  Once I was out with them, i got really agoraphobic.  I just had to get home, and couldn't get there quick enough.  This continued and morphed into an anxiety attack.  One that persisted through 10mg of Ambien.

I had another anxiety/agoraphobia incident at church today.  But I made myself stay, because I know by giving in, it would only make things worse.

I emailed my shrink to see about swapping my meds around, and hoping that might help.  I can't really have these issues right now.  I need to work, I need to be out of the house, and functional.

:Le Sigh:

I read a thing in Glamour Magazine about pin curls.  So I gave it a shot, and put my hair up in pin curls for the night.  I'm hoping for the best tomorrow.  I thought I was looking kind of cute, so I was admiring myself in the mirror.  Lo, and behold, I found a good sized patchy spot on the side of my head.  Not normally noticeable, but there it was.  I've had my meds switched, so my hair loss has slowed, though not stopped quite yet.  I'm taking it better than I thought.  But I'm still bummed.  No girl wants bald spots.  So I wonder if it will be more noticeable if I keep my hair.  Or if I were to cut it super short, would it be less so?  I guess I'll watch and see for now.  Maybe invest in a couple of cute scarves?  Could I rock a shaved/bald head?  Some girls looks way cute with it.  Anyway, I'm sure I'm getting ahead of myself.

Other stuff:

• Since I'm still so tired all the time, I'll be starting on Ritalin Monday.  Hope it will help.  I really want to get back to running.
• I put up all our Christmas stuff today.  Aaron has been working on finals.  So I hung the lights and cleaned the gutters.  It was pretty fun, actually.
• We bought our tree last night.  I think it looks a little weird, the lights don't quite go to the bottom.  I think we could used another string.
• We've been listening to Christmas music all week at work.  I like it, especially the religious songs.