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Maybe at some point I'll detail things, but for now, just notes and not in chronological order

• (Aaron's) Grandma has been going downhill, slowly, for a while.  She will be 95 in two weeks.  Originally, Sophie (Aaron's cousin) was planning a decent size party. 
• A little background: Grandma lives 6 houses down from us, and 3 from Aaron's folks. Her husband died a little over 20 years ago.  Two of the cousins were teens and were living with her then.  But for the last 15ish years, she's lived alone.  3ish years ago she has a mild stroke.  The only lasting effect was short term memory issues.  After that, my MiL started to distribute her meds, because she couldn't remember whether she'd taken them.  Then she started repeating herself, and just slowing down in general.

A couple weeks ago MiL went down to do the nighttime meds and found her on the floor.  She didn't know how long she'd been there.  She also had a little rectal bleeding.  So the ambulance came and took her to the hospital.  They did a lot of tests, blood work, CT, endo, colonoscopy and a few others.  She didn't have a stroke, and her head and heart looked ok.  But there was a large mass in her colon that was at risk of blocking her colon completely.  So she had a colectomy, and has an ostomy bag.  Ostomy is a unique challenge without being 95 and having memory issues.  The ostomy bypasses the mass, but the cancer is still there, doing cancer-y things.  She was discharged to go home on Friday (yesterday) and is now in hospice care.  She is in good spirits, but is very weak and tires easily.  MiL and Sophie have been taking care of her, since she can't get up, or about on her own.  I think some home health will be set up before too long, but it's Memorial Day weekend, so it'll have to wait til Tuesday.
So we've been trying to process all of this.  We went from planning a big party, to trying to set care. 

• While all of that was going on, we had to leave for Minnesota for Aaron's sister's wedding.  Traveling with kids and Aaron is always stressful. Aaron is a very anxious flyer.  (Though, he has gotten better at hiding it in recent years (which I appreciate)).  We left out of SFO, at 7am, so we had to leave our house at 4am. We checked our suitcase and and the kids carseats.  The flight was ok.  The kids did pretty well.  We arrived in Minneapolis, as did our suitcase, but the carseats were MIA.  That was stressful.  The airline had loaners, so that was ok.  (And our seats came, the next day.  I don't think they left SFO.  We all slept in one room, because a lot of family was there.  We had a bunk bed with a full on the bottom, and a pack and play.  Bertram won't sleep on the top bunk, and Bron wasn't thrilled with the pack and play.  But we made it worked.  The day of the wedding was super cold, like 46⁰.  The kids were the flower girl and ring bearer.  They did amazing.  (It was while we were at the reception that we got the news about grandma).  The flight home was fine, but bumpy.
• I had FINALLY weaned Bronwyn.  She nursed 22 months and 1 day.  I still have mixed feelings about weaning her.  I don't think either of us were really ready.  But it's worked out ok, she has only asked for "neh" a couple times.

That's all I've got for now.  It's 1am, and I can't think anymore.

Trying

Trying to wean. 

I want to wean Bronwyn.
I want my body back.  For it to just belong to me.  I want to be able to take better drugs for depression.  To get back on Adderall.  So I can have energy.  I want other people to be able to comfort her.  Plus she's going to be two in July. 

I don't want to wean Bronwyn.
In reality, I love nursing her (95% of the time). She comes up and says "neh!" I'm not sure how nurse became neh, but that's what she says.  I love that she still needs me that way.  There is something very... connecting.  And it's built in snuggles.  I'm (we're) 90% sure that she will be the last child, so I don't really want to rush weaning. 

Trying to run.

For some reason, I can't run.  I'm not in pain, but I use can't make my body do it.  I'll start, and 10 seconds later just stop.  So I've been walking.  But I want to run.  I used to be okay at it, but now, I just can't, and I don't know why.  I kind of feel broken.

Just trying.

I just want to be happy.  I want to feel like a human.  I feel like I was normal once.  Now I just feel mostly sad.  And tired.  I still keep trying with church.  But, really, I'm ready to stop, at least for now.  It's not working for me, and it's not making me happy.


All that being said, I am trying.  I am putting one foot in front of the other, every day.  Each night, because bed, we, as a family, talk about one thing we're grateful for.