A pile of neuroses

I have come to realized that my baseline is a constant state of worry.  Since having Bronwyn my anxieties have gotten worse.

I get stuck in these loops are terrible things that happen to children; the real life monsters lurking in the shadows.  I worry there will be a fire, and I won't be able to get to them.  And it's weird stuff that sets this off, putting Bertie's underwear away, seeing a picture of a smiling child.  And the less weird things that set it off, terrible stories, events, accidents.

Then there are the "normal" worries:

• Am I giving Bertram enough attention since baby came along?
• Is the baby getting enough interactive time with me?
• Do I hover too much in an effort to keep them safe?
• Am I doing enough with Bertram, intellectually?  I can't get him to write letters or draw, he only wants to draw "marble mazes," which are scribbles.
• Will I ever lose the baby weight (or even some of it)?
• Will I ever feel like having sex again?
• Why can't I make myself exercise?
• Why does Bertram wake up in the middle of the night (almost every night)?
• Will we ever be able to have a decent amount in our savings account?
• How can I make friends?
• Why does everyone else seem like they're having so much fun?
• Will I ever feel successful?
• Am I taking the time to do self care? (no.) How can I make time?
• Will I stopped feeling gypped by my experience with Bronwyn's birth?
• Will the house ever look un-exploded?
• Why doesn't Bronwyn poop very often?
• Why is my comfort zone so uncomfortable?
• How much of this can be attributed to PPD?  How much is just me?
• Does anyone ever feel "good enough"?  If so, how?

Then there is envy.  I was thinking about an acquaintance from church, and how seemingly perfect things are for her. She and her husband own a beautiful house, their kids are well behaved, and speak two languages.  They can jet off for international travel without much saving.  The kids are in various private lessons.  She's beautiful, thin, and is always well dressed (even in yoga pants and a t-shirt. (How do people do that?) And I felt so jealous.  Then I felt like a shitty person for feeling jealous.  No one should begrudge anyone else's happiness.  Plus, I, of course, don't know what is going on inside her head.

Anyway, I just wanted to get it all out, in hopes I would feel a little better. But I don't.  I need to email my shrink.

(PS- Don't get too worried.  I'm not suicidal, or anything.  Just sad, and anxious).

Catch up

Bertie had a grumpy day.  It happens every now and then.  But he did mostly ok.  He took a short nap.  We went to the grocery store.  On the way there, we pass a park, at which he shouted "Slide! Slide!"  Slide and ball are his favourite words lately.

Other Bertram things: He loves going in the backyard at his grandma and grandpa's house.  Mostly because there are tomato plants, and he'll snatch them off the vine and eat them (even the green ones).  He's been learning a lot of words.  I asked him to say his name, but it just sounds like Burbur.  He likes playing in the car.  He's been asking for Nana since she left.  He looks in her room.  And when I get my phone, he'll point at it and say "Nana", then I show him her picture.  He also recognizes Aaron's ringtone.

We're now weaning in earnest.  I resented Aaron for saying it was time.  (I thought it was pretty cute that Bertie would say "boobie", but I guess Aaron didn't).  But it is time, and I'm ready to be done.  But I'll miss it.  There is an indescribable closeness that comes with it.  It was hard today, because he was having a rough time, and saying "Boobie, boobie".  He was pretty easily distracted, but I felt awful doing it.

But since, I'm doing that, I can start taking Ritalin again.

I haven't been feeling confident about my look lately.  My skin is bad, I can't make my hair look good, I'm over-weight and not digging my double chin.  I'm working on exercising more and eating better.  But, of course, nothing happens overnight.  And Bertie broke our scale, so I can't really keep track very well.

I'm going to buy my plane tickets for Virginia soon.  Bertram and I will go in early November.

A non-sad post

Today has been a great, and very laid back day.  We slept in a little and snuggled in bed with our baby.  He's very much a mama's boy lately.  He loves daddy, but only wants mama.  Bertie sat in the swing while Aaron and I got the house looking good.  (I have no clue how we manage to so thoroughly destroy it in such a short time period).  Got the laundry put away, played with Bertie on the floor for a bit.  He's currently taking nap #2 for the day.  He had some rice cereal earlier, he's really starting to like it, I think.  He ate the whole bowl.  (Last night he only ate half, and Zelda finished the rest).

Also today, I finished the last (90th) day of the Bikini Body Mommy challenge!  I'm really proud of myself.  I can't believe I stuck to it, and finished it.  I'm going to do my final measurements and weigh in tomorrow.  Then the whole thing starts anew in a week.

Bertie had two doctors' appointments this week.  The first was his 6 month check up.  Turns out, he's still a little guy.  Weight: 15lb7oz (12.5%), height: 26" (22%), and head: 44.5cm (83%).  Little guy, big head.  :-)  He did well, he's on track, meeting all his milestones.  He got three shots, which he was not happy about. The next day he had the follow up with his orthopedist.  He also had his first x-ray.  Everything looked great.  His acetabulum look great, nice and round.  That means he doesn't need to wear his brace anymore!  Woohoo!  He'll have a follow up in another 6 months, just to make sure all is well.

Things in general

Aaron has been gone for work training all week (in the mountains of New Mexico).  He'll be back on Saturday night.  Flying solo all week has not been the easiest thing.  I think Bertie only had to co-sleep one night so far.  For the most part, he's been behaving.  But I don't get any alone time, unless he's sleeping, or I give him to my in-laws for a few minutes.  He's also starting to teethe, so he's been a little grumpier than usual.  But he's also started giggling this week.  He's only done it a couple times, but it is the sweetest thing in the world.

I started up with exercise again this week.  I'm repeating week four of the Bikini Body Mommy Challenge.  I started in it Virginia (twice), but got sick.  But I'm back on track now.  The gal who runs it says to have a piece of clothing to try of periodically to use as a marker.  I have a pair of size 10 trouser shorts.  They used to fit comfortably about a year ago.  Now I can get them halfway up my thighs.  But I will make progress.  I haven't been counting calories this week.  I'm going to start that on Monday.  I didn't want to try to do too much at once, especially when I'm by myself.

We've been putting Bertie in paper diapers at night for a while now.  I went to Target to buy a new pack, since we only have a couple left.  Holy Cow!  I don't know what more people don't cloth diaper. Paper diapers are so expensive!  If you were doing that and formula feeding it would cost a fortune.

My in-laws 50th anniversary is tomorrow.  Sophie is throwing a big party for them on Saturday.  (It says Aaron and I are also hosting it on the invite.  But really it's all her.  I just follow directions).  Aaron is, unfortunately, going to miss the party.  Unless he gets out of the training earlier and can catch an earlier flight, but it's unlikely.

My disability has run out.  I have $250 left in that account.  I think I'll go next week and withdraw all of it.  So we'll be a bit strapped for the month of July.  I'm scheduled to go back to work on August 1st.  I need to send an email to my boss to coordinate my return, figure out scheduling and such.  I'm not looking forward to going into my work email.

A lot about my boobs, body and a few other things.

Today was a rough day.  Last night I didn't sleep enough, which is life now.  I have to wake up every three hours to  pump or do manual expression.  Until recently, manual expression worked better, but it's really time consuming, and difficult.

Anyway...

Today we got got up, and left the house at 6:45, to get to the hospital at 7 for Bertie's feeding.  (Aaron has to drive me around until I don't need to Norco anymore, or I'm ok'd by my Dr to drive again).  He did really well with latching today.  The feedings are starting to run together.  At one feeding, my chest was wet, and I told Aaron, "oh, I think he needs a new diaper.  He's peeing on me."  Aaron said, "No, that's you, your leaking."  Cool beans, I actually have enough milk to leak now.  It was funny, because at the next feeding it happened again, but before I even got my shirt off, like just being near Bertram makes my milk go.

Bertie was originally not released because he had several drops in her heart rate.  Nothing actually happened as a result of those drops (there were 3 or 4, over an hour period), his colour didn't change, pulse ox was fine, etc.  This morning I talked to the pediatrician (who looked super young, like 24 or 25).  There is standard procedure to keep a patient for 5 days following this kind of incident, which I only found out about today.  She consulted with the neonatologist, as he'd been healthy since the incident.  But it turns out he'll have to stay til Thursday.  Unless something else happens, then he'll stay longer.  I started crying, hormones, and I just want my baby home with us.  I miss him when we have to leave.  (Just to be clear, I love the NICU nurses, they are great, and take fantastic care of him).

After the 1pm feeding we came home for an hour or so, before going back.  My dad came at the 7pm feeding.  He got to hold him for the first time.  He was the first grandparent to hold him.

I think this is a great picture.

Bertram and Grand-dad.

=================================================

My boobs run the show now.  I have to follow their schedule, they have to feed the baby.  They hurt, they leak and they feel hard.  This evening, I pumped and got 2 oz!  That's never happened before, so I think my milk is coming in.  (I have a pump that is on loan from Kaiser).  Holding the pump is annoying, so on suggestion from Sophie, I got an old tank top, and cut nipple holes.  Now I can pump hands free!

My incision is weird.  It feels numb and itchy at the same time.  It still hurts when I try to get up from sitting or laying down.

I am so puffy!  My feet and ankles are the worst.  But I have fluid in my hips and hands too.  My feet don't fit in a lot of my shoes.  I'm nervous to try to wear anything but sweats.  

=====================================================

When I got home, I went into a bit of a tizzy.  Aaron was tired, and went to sleep.  I was grouchy, and the house was gross.  Instead of resting, and putting up my puffy feet, I cleaned.  And at the time I was resentful about cleaning, but now it's fine.  My hormones are so crazy right now.