I'm trying to remember what has been going on the past few weeks. But not much is coming to mind.

The other women in the family are getting a bit contentious about grandma's things.  The scheduling of going through items, how fast the house will be cleared and sold, etc.  I'm not involved other than being around.  My MiL is the executrix so she has final say on things, but it seems hard to be diplomatic with everyone.  Plus there are a lot of people to deal with.  The original will was split evenly between the three kids.  But two of the kids died before grandma, so it gets passed on to the grand kids.  So my MiL has 1/3 and 4 of the grandkids have 1/6, but that's of monetary value, not items.  So yeah...

I have a colonoscopy tomorrow.  Prep is going fine, so far.  I feel sloshy from having to drink so much, and  I'm at the point where I hate all the sweet things: jello (I always hate jello, but especially now), ice pops, hard candy etc. 

After the first dose of methotrexate I haven't been feeling too bad.  I'm relieved, because having to be on a medicine long term the those kind of side effects is terrible.  In a couple weeks, I'll do a blood draw and make sure it's not hurting my liver, and we'll proceed from there.

I can't think of much else for now.

Always catching up

Grandma passed away a week ago (last Tuesday), 6 days before her 95th birthday.  It still doesn't feel real.  We (the extended family) have been hanging out at her house a lot.  When I walk down there, I suddenly remember that she's not there.  Her memorial (and interment) are on Saturday.  Bertram is having a hard time.  He doesn't want to talk about her, or his feelings, at all.  I do try to talk to him periodically.  If anyone has suggestions, I'd love to hear it.

I had my first acupuncture appointment yesterday.  And (surprisingly?) my back is feeling a bit better today.  My elbow has been hurting for a few months, and I thought it was tendinitis.  But I think/worry it's more arthritis.  Actually, now any joint pain makes me concerned about my bones.  (My ankles were hurting this morning).  I know my bone density and calcium are good.  But I'm prone to worry.  Also, I'd love for my body to function properly.  I miss being able to run.  I may see if there is some yoga I can do.  Or water aerobics was also suggested.
Apparently, I get yearly colonoscopies now.  I'm doing mine in early July.  My tummy has been having some twinges of pain off and on.  So I guess it's good.  But having to do the prep every year, ugh. 

Bron is finally feeling better.  She had a slight reaction to the ammox, a flat rash.  The doctor said that 10% of kids get a non-allergic rash.  She's been a good sleeper and napper as of late (knock on wood).  She is starting to make 2 and 3 word sentences.  She loves music (wheels on the bus, baby shark, etc).  She is adding in a few more signs (mostly "please").  She knows a few letters and numbers and shapes.  She is very dramatic when she's upset.  That toddler melt to the floor thing.  But usually she's good spirited.

Bertram has been into the Hilo book series.  He likes reading but graphic novels specifically.  He asks what words mean when he doesn't know.  He has an amazing memory.  He was telling me something in the car on Sunday, and I wasn't understanding.  Once I got more information, I learned he was telling me about one of the campaign adds, from last November!  He's doing well at speech therapy.  He is starting to draw more people. 

"This is me walking a dog"

Now it's July

On Monday (almost a week ago), I had my every-couple-of-years colonoscopy.  I did the same prep that I had used previously, Miralax in Gatorade (with Duocolax and Mg Citrate).  I need to remember to start my prep a lot sooner than the paperwork says.  I started drinking the Miralax (half a bottle in 32oz of green Gatorade) around 4pm.  I didn't have any results until about 2am.  I think it's supposed to work in 2 hours.  Since it didn't start working til very early in the morning, which meant I wasn't really ready at 8:30, like I was supposed to be.  I was worried that the camera wouldn't be able to see what it needed to.  But everything was fine.  There wasn't anything worrisome.  My GI did take some biopsies, so we'll see if there is anything wrong when they come back from pathology.

Bertie wants someone to hangout with him til he falls asleep.  So bedtime is often a battle (which I think is fairly common).  After telling him to go to bed about 15 times tonight, he came back out and said "will you snuggle with me?"  (Snuggle sounds more like nuddle).  I told him no and to go back to bed.  Then I felt terrible, and went in to lay down with him for a few minutes.  I asked him how he was feeling lately.  He said good.  I said it seems like you've been sad or angry a lot lately.  He responded I want you to do things with me, but you won't do them.  Ouch.  I suck.  I thought I said yes to him a good amount of time, but apparently not often enough. 

This is one of the major things giving me pause about having a third baby.  I have enough love for everyone.  But I don't know that I can give everyone the time and attention they need and deserve. 

And on the same page- I'm having second thoughts about Bertram going to preschool next year.  I really don't want him gone everyday.  He'll be doing that soon enough with kindergarten.  (Plus he's good on academics, it's mostly for social skills, classroom skills etc).

Aaron and I have been doing 16:8 intermittent fasting.  We (generally) eat between the hours of 10am-6pm.  Then nothing with calories the rest of the time.  It's supposed to be fairly effective for weight loss, and it's easy to do.  It hasn't been hard (other than the first couple evenings, because I'm used to snacking at night).  Aaron has been really good about sticking to it, and has lose 6-7 lbs in about 2 weeks.  I've not been as good.  A couple nights I was really hungry.  With the colonoscopy prep, I had to eat all day.  So I'll do better this week and hopefully this week, and the scale will reflect it.  I've lost a couple lbs so far.  I've been in a little funk, so my exercise hasn't been up to par either.

In the next couple weeks Bertram has space camp (starting tomorrow), both kids have swimming lessons, my mom is coming out, we're having Bronwyn's birthday (how is she almost 1?), Bertram has a PT appt, and I have another dental visit.  So we'll be busy. 

Some Musings

I feel like I've lost my faith.  Well, I suppose that's  incorrect.  I think my faith lost me.  I had been having trouble with my testimony/church membership for a long time.  It was weird too, because the more I tried to do the right things (and "fake it til you make it") the further I felt. God stopped talking to me, so for a while, I stopped talking to God.  But not to long ago, I tried again, and I asked what should I do, what should I be doing?  The answer was do what brings you joy.  I haven't really found what brings me joy yet.  And my faith has become a somewhat contentious subject in our house.  I really wish I could make myself believe.  It would make things easier, and it would be nice to just believe.  But I've tried, and as of now, I can't.  Maybe that will change, I'm certainly open to it.  But at the moment this is all I've got (spiritually speaking): I'm pretty sure there it something out there.  I don't know how hands on this something is, but I think there is something greater than myself.

It's starting to get cold again.  Not like the rest of the country, where it actually gets cold.  Just cold for here, which is more than enough for me. We're had to turn on our heater, which is nice, but parts of our house are poorly insulated (particularly the master bedroom).  Even when the heat is on, it can still be chilly.

Bertram had his first haircut a few days ago.  I took him to Kinder Cuts, and he got to sit in a truck while having his hair cut.  He did really well, and the stylist did well too. I kept it long, but got it out of his face more.  People warned us that once we cut his hair the curls wouldn't come back.  But I think it's actually curlier than before.

I'll be having my second colonoscopy in 3 weeks.  (I supposed I should write about this on the crohns blog, but maybe later).  My sister is having her first colonoscopy on the same day. I'm not too nervous this time.  I'll be doing a different prep process, but I'll be drinking a lot less volume, which will be a welcomed change. And I'm not too worried about what they'll find, diagnostically, because it'll (more than likely) still be crohns.  I've not been having pain, or any serious flare ups, but it's been 4 years, so it's time.

It's been three weeks since I've really exercised (aside from walking).  I was going to get up and run this morning, but I didn't really sleep until after 3, and getting up at 5:30 was just not going to happen.  Maybe tomorrow, we'll see how it goes, but I do need to get moving again.  I just feel better when I do.