Trying to wean.
I want to wean Bronwyn.
I want my body back. For it to just belong to me. I want to be able to take better drugs for depression. To get back on Adderall. So I can have energy. I want other people to be able to comfort her. Plus she's going to be two in July.
I don't want to wean Bronwyn.
In reality, I love nursing her (95% of the time). She comes up and says "neh!" I'm not sure how nurse became neh, but that's what she says. I love that she still needs me that way. There is something very... connecting. And it's built in snuggles. I'm (we're) 90% sure that she will be the last child, so I don't really want to rush weaning.
Trying to run.
For some reason, I can't run. I'm not in pain, but I use can't make my body do it. I'll start, and 10 seconds later just stop. So I've been walking. But I want to run. I used to be okay at it, but now, I just can't, and I don't know why. I kind of feel broken.
Just trying.
I just want to be happy. I want to feel like a human. I feel like I was normal once. Now I just feel mostly sad. And tired. I still keep trying with church. But, really, I'm ready to stop, at least for now. It's not working for me, and it's not making me happy.
All that being said, I am trying. I am putting one foot in front of the other, every day. Each night, because bed, we, as a family, talk about one thing we're grateful for.
Just got turned on to this podcast: Not Your Average Runner- I think you'll like it. It's aimed at bigger runners and focuses a lot on the mental part of running- which is totally your struggle. Your body can do it, your mind is what is holding you back.
ReplyDeleteOh and good luck on Sunday!
ReplyDeleteMatthew has started snuggling with me at bedtime again. I was worried he would never snuggle after we weaned.
ReplyDeleteAlso, trying is all you can do sometimes. One day at a time, one hour at a time even.
I don't know anything about running. But I'm proud that you keep trying.