Depression creeps in. (Now with anxiety!)

Today I said to Aaron "Sometimes I with I was dead.  Just in a passive way". He asked if he needed to stay home, or find someone else to watch Bertram.  At first I was offended, I've never had any self harm behaviours.  But I understand his concern.  I emailed my shrink, so we'll see what he says.

I'm having odd social anxiety too.  I took Bertie to the library for story time.  We got in and sat down, and I almost started crying.  No reason.   Then I was going to go to this relief society thing tonight.  When it was getting close to time to leave my heart was racing, so I didn't go.

I've been really tired lately.  And neglecting self care.

Blah, blah, blah.  Sad Rachel.

Interviewing Bertram (26.5 months)

1. What is something mommy always says to you? Tweet tweet, Mommy a bird.  This only thing I can think as to why he'd say this, is we often sing Two Little Black Birds.

2. What makes you happy? Daddy make happy.

3. What makes you sad? Go bed.

4. What makes you laugh? Hahahaha! Daddy make laugh.

5. How old are you? Two! Two years old, have two trains.

6. How old is Mommy? Mommy two!

7. How old is Daddy? Daddy two trains. Daddy have two trains.

8. What is your favorite thing to do? Go Grandma-Papa. More water.  I did the interview with he was bathing.

9. Who is your best friend? Mommy best friend.

10. What do you want to be when you grow up? Mommy when grow up.

11. What are you really good at? Good at Mommy make two trains.

12. What are you not very good at? Bad at clean up water.  

13. What did you do today? Go mall.  Go library, get books at library.  We didn't do either of those things.  But he does like to do them.

14. What is your favorite food? Eat food.  Eat dinner.  Applesauce.  Applesauce is anything that comes in a squeezy pack.

15. What is your favorite song? Sing Mommy song.

16. What do you want for your birthday this year? Hat.  Little hat.  I asked this, even though his birthday had passed.  Not sure about little hats.

17. What is your favorite animal? Car.  Go in car. Meow. Cat cat!

18. What is love? Love Mommy.

19. What does daddy do for work? Go in car.  Daddy go in daddy car.

20. Where do you live? Live at mommy house. Live at daddy house.

21. Where is your favorite place to go? Out. Go out in car.

Florida

Last week we went to Florida for Aaron's sister's wedding.  It was kind of a tough trip, off and on.  Aaron is hard to travel with.  He is a very nervous flyer, and being nervous leads to stress.  We had a first class ticket for the flights out there (actually I had a first class ticket, but we split it).  Aaron rode in first from Oakland to Phoenix, and I rode in first from Phoenix to Tampa.  It was nice, but it wasn't all I expected.  Though, I'm not sure what I was expecting.  Neither flight had tvs on it, which was annoying.  Bertie did well on both flights.

The rental car place was not at the airport, so we had to take a shuttle.  It was so hot!  Once we got in the car Bertie fell asleep.  We hit a lot of beach traffic.  It took an hour to get to Treasure Island.  We had the whole 2-bedroom condo to ourselves.  It was right on a canal.  After we settled in we went swimming in the pool.  Bertie really liked the pool.  When bedtime came around, Bertram wouldn't get in the pack'n play.  Actually, he completely freaked out.  So we put him in bed with us, and he eventually fell asleep.

The days kind of blur together.  The wedding was beautiful.  The kind of wedding I would have wanted.  Bertie played in the sand during the ceremony.  I cried like a baby.  We only spent one day at the beach, I wish we'd spent more time there.  Bertram didn't really get in the ocean, but he loved the sand.  Aaron and I tried stand up paddle boarding.  It was really fun.  I fell in, of course.  We saw a lot of pelicans, and some cranes and even a couple dolphins.  I was hoping to see a manatee, but we didn't.

Bertram didn't nap at all, except falling asleep in the car, or stroller.  That made for a rough and stressful trip.  Overly tired 2 year olds are terrible people.  It was hard to get him to settle into bed at night too.  So we were all a little sleep deprived.

Aaron's bio-mom took great care of us, and overall, we had a lot of fun.

We had some time to kill on the way back to the airport, so we went to a mall to get lunch.  I tried to had Bertie to Aaron, and he freaked out and stepped in/kicked Aaron's food, which then got all over our (me and Aaron's) pants.  So we ran into Old Navy on the way out and got Aaron new pants.  I changed into a pair I had in my bag.  Then we returned the car and waited for the shuttle.  And waited, and waited.  We got to the airport with 50 minutes til our flight.  By the time we got through security, there was less than 20 minutes.  It was really stressful, but we made it.

We all sat together on the flights home.  Bertie did pretty well.  One flight had tvs, which was great.  Baby fell asleep on the 2nd flight for about an hour.  We got in to San Jose around 10pm.  So it was another late night.

But today (our first day back) he is back on schedule.  A 2.5 hour nap, and in bed by 8:30.  I'm glad we didn't ruin him for sleeping in his own bed.

Stress

Things I am stressed about

• We are traveling soon. (So all the things that go along with that.  Plus we're going somewhere we haven't been.  We're renting a car, carseat, pack n play.)
• Grandma is in the hospital with high levels of Potassium.  She's on the med now, but still won't be home for a few days.
• A stomach virus is making it's way through the family.
• My house is a mess.
• Bertie is driving me crazy (which makes me feel like a bad mom).
• Can I say that Bertie is driving me crazy again?
• I haven't exercised in days (which is also driving me crazy and probably adding to my stress).
• I am PMSing.

Another pet blog

Zelda:
She was our first dog (as in neither of us had ever had a dog before).  We had wanted a greyhound for sometime, and where matched up with her.  She has lived with us for nearly 6 years.  Zelda is the sweetest dog.  She loves all people, and cats!  And she is an easy dog, she sleeps all day.  She has deep brown eyes with Egyptian-looking eyeliner.  She loves walks, holding hands, zoomies, sleeping on the couch and treats.  She will be 11 in October.  Her full name is Zelda Belle.  Aliases: Zelly Belly, Zoody, Zooby, Zelby, Zella, Noodles, Big Dog, Dogzilla, Belly, and Zoo.

Fiona:
Thinking all dogs were awesome, like Zelda, we got Fiona at a chihuahua sale, at the local shelter. She is not full chihuahua, but possibly has dachshund, or terrier as well. She tricked us, she acted very quiet and friendly.  Neither of these things have been true.  When she first came home, she peed on the floor a lot.  That, fortunately, has stopped.  But she barks all. the. time.  And she hates all dogs that aren't Zelda, and is not fond of many people either.  But she is a snuggly little idiot, and we love her.  The age estimate from the shelter puts her about the same age as Zelly.  She still acts like a much younger dog.  Her full name is Fiona Josephine.  Her aliases are: Yoie, Yoie Joey, and Small Dog,

Julius:
Juli is possibly the most handsome, and troublesome cat we've ever had.  He is friendly, and loves to be a lap cat.  But he also sprays whenever he is in the house, and after trying many things, he had to be an outside/garage cat.  Juli got along with our previous cat (Moss) but doesn't like any other cats.  He gets along with the dogs without any issues. He is a jerk, but we still love him.  He is likely about 7 years old.  Neither cat has a middle name.  Aliases: Juli, Jules, Juli-Booli, Julius-Boolius, and Juli-Cat.

Priya:
Priya has only been with us since January.  She is a shy cat, but likes snuggling once she knows you.  She is missing one of her rear feet, so she hops a bit.  Her name was Tinsley when we adopted her.  She doesn't like dogs, but likes hissing and swiping at them.  Priya has Bertie get along fairly well; she likes to sit by him in the big recliner.  She doesn't have many aliases: Pree, Pree-Cat.

Notes to be elaborated on later

Things Bertram says:
Ham meat, papa instead of grandpa, candy beans, all meals are dinner ("dider"),

Coney dogs are annoying dogs

Bertie didn't sleep til after 930 tonight. I went in to get him and he was so happy to see me. We snuggled in my bed for a bit. If he would actually sleep there, i would let him. But he won't.

We read a lot of books. 1000 books by kindergarten.

The incident

A week ago we took the dogs on their nightly walk.  We went on one of our non-typical routes.  As we were walking down the sidewalk a grey pitbull charged out of a house, and straight towards the dogs.  It all happened so fast, I didn't even have time to think. (We carry pepper spray in our walk bag for that specific purpose, but didn't even have time to grab it).  I hoisted Yoie up by her lead, and the pitbull went straight to Zelda.  In a matter of 2 seconds, Zelda had several bites on her leg (one was muscle deep).  

The friend of the dog owner had let the dog out into the front yard without a lead.  The owner (Regina) was not happy about this, of course.  Aaron called his mom to come pick up him and Zelda, and they went off to the emergency vet.  I walked Bertie and Yoie home.  Aaron had to leave her for a while, and pick her up around 1:30 am.  It was $400-something. When Fiona and I went to bed, I noticed that she was bleeding.  She had been bitten on her chest, but it didn't look too bad, so I decided to take her to our normal vet in the morning.

Zelda came home and looked alright.  When we got up, Fiona's bit was really, really swollen.  I took her to the vet.  She had a hematoma and needed a drain.  So I left her for the day, her bill was around $500.  

Then on Wednesday we noticed that Zelda's stitches looked really bad, like she'd popped a stitch.  Thursday I took her to our vet, who told us that the emergency vet didn't fix her correctly and she had necrotic tissue in her wound.  So she needed a drain too.  Another $500.  Aaron is still in talks with the ER vet to reimburse us for their error.  The pitbull's owner paid $1000 for the first round of bills (but it it's right for her to have to pay for the vet's error).

In the meantime, my sister made a go fund me for Zelda and in a day we raised enough money to cover the bill, in case the ER vet doesn't pay.

Fiona had her drain out on Saturday.  She's looking a little better, and her appetite is coming back.  Zelda's leg is still looking bad.  She's suppose to have the drain out tomorrow, but we'll see that the vet says.

It's been a very stressful week.