A month later

Another month has gone by, I should be more consistent.

I switched my antidepressant from Celexa to Effexor.  It's still pretty new, but it seems to be working alright.  I also restarted Humira, which is annoying.

Bronwyn is getting closer to crawling.  She is getting up on all fours, but only briefly.  She had her 6 month check up.  She is a tiny thing: 13.4 lbs, which is 6th %ile, and 25.75" long, which is 24th %ile.  I guess we just make little babies.  We've started some solid food, but she's not too interested.  She's tried rice cereal, avocado, and peas.  She tolerates the cereal but doesn't like much else.  She is working on her first tooth, but nothing has come through yet.  She loves to chew and drool.  But hasn't been sleeping well as a result.

My sister was here for a week to visit.  That was fun, but sad when she had to leave.  But my mom will be here in a few weeks.

I've started working on the taxes, but we're still missing Aaron's student loan stuff.  So far it looks pretty good.

Year End Survey

1. What did you do in 2017 that you'd never done before?
Had a baby without drugs, was unemployed/full-time SAHM

2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?I don't think I made one.  I don't really plan on making any
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
People at church

4. Did anyone close to you die?No

5. What countries did you visit?
none, still.

6. What would you like to have in 2018 that you lacked in 2017?
Be more active. More outside time with the kids.

7. What days from 2017 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
The day Bronwyn was born

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Bertram has started reading (though it's really more his achievement than mine)

9. What was your biggest failure?
Not leaving for the hospital in time to get an epidural

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Recovery from birth was awful

11. What was the best thing you bought?
 Double stroller

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
Bertram.  I thought he would have a hard time not being an only child, but he's been great.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
Anything to do with Trump

14. Where did most of your money go?
Rent.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Having a baby girl

16. What song will always remind you of 2017?
Sign of the Times (though, maybe that came out last year?)

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder? happier, 
ii. thinner or fatter? Probably a little thinner
iii. richer or poorer? richer, I think

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Exercised while pregnant

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
laundry (because I hate laundry)

20. How will you spend Christmas?
We're going to open our stockings tomorrow (Christmas eve).  Christmas day we'll have dinner with Aaron's extended family

22. Did you fall in love in 2017?
With Bronwyn

23. How many one-night stands?
none, duh.

24. What was your favorite TV program?
Rick and Morty

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
No, I try not to waste time on hate.

26. What was the best book you read?
I only read a couple of books this year.  But I liked The Drug Hunters a lot

27. What was your greatest musical (re)discovery?
More of the same stuff., Nothing spectacular is springing to mind

28. What did you want and get?
A drug free birth

29. What did you want and not get?
A pleasant drug free birth

30. What was your favorite film of this year?
That implies that I saw movies...

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I have no clue what we did... I turned 34

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?Having no depression and anxiety

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2017?
Maternity clothes

34. What kept you sane?
Anti-depressants

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
...I can't think of anyone.

36. What political issue stirred you the most?
Pretty much all of them.  It was a terrible year, politically speaking

37. Who did you miss?
My mom and seester

38. Who was the best new person you met?
I don't meet a lot of new people

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2017:
Leave for the hospital earlier than you think is necessary

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
??

This and That

We got our Christmas tree up, and Aaron put lights on the house (which we haven't done in a while).  There are a lot of gifts under the tree.  All the stockings are full, except Bronwyn.  What do you put in a stocking for a 5 month old?  So far she has socks in it.  I may get her another chewy toy.  We aren't doing Santa.  So that's why the stockings are full.  Bertram asks every morning if it's time to open presents.  Yesterday, he said "We need to buy a present to send to Nana, for the baby".  I told him the baby is with us, and Nana has toys.  He said "No, the other baby!"  He was talking about his (step) cousin, Lawson.  That was really cute, and sweet.  I'm pretty excited to see him open his gifts.  And he wants to help Bronwyn open hers too.

Christmas is a hard time for me.  It's a bit better this year, than in years past.  It's an odd feeling.  And I'd guess non-depressed people don't understand.  I'll go out to buy gifts, or whatever.  And I'll be really excited.  Then all of a sudden, it just hits.  I don't even know how to describe it. 

Aaron and I went to a parenting class for disciplining the willful child.  It was really informative, and helpful.  Also, I've started to get up when Aaron does, make the bed, get dressed.  Otherwise, we stay in our jammies too long and watch too much tv.  His screen time has been increasing exponentially lately.  I've cut him back to an hour (30 on the table, 30 on tv or youTube).  He's been finding ways to stay busy.  He plays with play doh for an hour at a time (or more), blocks, other art projects.  He loves playing in flour.  What I need to work on is more outside time.  I need to clean up the back yard (hopefully tomorrow).  Pick up the dog poop, pull the weeds, more room to play.  Or walk to the park more.  (Our jogging stroller has a flat tire, I need to order a new intertube). 

The kids have been amazing lately.  I feel so lucky everyday to be their mommy, and to be able to stay home with them.  I'm grateful that Aaron works hard at a job that isn't his dream, so that we have amazing insurance and I can be home.  I talked to Bertram about preschool, and he said he didn't want to go to school, he wanted to stay with me. (Preschool may not be an option.  The cheapest preschool around here is about $300 a month, for 2 half-days a week.  There is a free preschool through our school district (which I'm looking into), but my guess is that we make too much money to qualify, even though, around here we are definitely in the the low to middle income bracket). 

Bertram is still amazing with Bronwyn.  He is a great helper, when I need him to get something for me. He is generally happy, he's really creative.  He knows way too much about the solar system and geography.  He loves maps.  He has finally started drawing something other than "marble mazes" (aka scribbles), he's drawing maps.  He talks about traveling to different places. We've started reading some.  He has a lot of sight words.  He's not too interested in phonics yet. He loves helping in the kitchen, he always wants to bake.  He is affectionate with the whole family.  And he is a funny kid.  We were at Safeway yesterday, and we wanted to get something to drink (lemonade for him, diet coke for me).  We were waiting for the guy and the counter, he came over, and Bertram pointed to the cups and said "We'd like two drinks please". 

Bronwyn is almost 5 months old.  She is generally a happy kid.  She wakes up from a nap, I go in and talk to her, and she'll pop her head up and just smile.  She is the cutest thing.  She is a big drooler.  I keep thinking she is teething, but nothing yet.  She's chewing on everything.  She's started playing with toys, she loves rings, and taggie toys.  She likes playing on her tummy, and grabbing daddy's beard.  She wants to crawl, but she's not coordinated enough.  She loves baths.  Bron is a major thumb sucker.  She is still a good nurser.  (I'm still wheat free for her).  She has a dimple (almost two)

I just feel so lucky to have great kids, and to be their mom.

I have a bad memory

I want to write all about our trip to Virginia, but I don't have my daily journal in front of me, so I probably won't remember enough details.

The flight out was good.  The kids both did very well.  We only had 55 minutes to make our connection in Chicago (well, less.  It was 55 minutes til the next plane left).  So I had to hustle Bertie across the airport.  We had a long way between gates.  The second flight was pretty bumpy.  And of course, on that one, he needed to go to the bathroom 3 times.  (Three times in 2 hours.)  I felt bad for him though.  He really needed to poop.  And it was when it was bumpy and the flight attendant was serving drinks.  I push the call button, and she moved for us, but it was just a little too late (just a skid mark, but he never has accidents). 

My mom has a port-a-crib for Bronwyn (in the room where I was sleeping) and a twin bed for Bertram.  Bronwyn slept well overall, especially after I moved her crib into the walk in closet.  She was sleeping for 8-9 hours a night!  Bertram did so-so.  Every night at bed time, he would start a chorus of "I want to go home".  He was really sad, and I felt very sad for him.  We gave him melatonin most nights, to help him settle.  Once he was asleep, he did fairly well.  But he did wake up early quite a bit.

While we were there, I started and stopped eating wheat.  It seems to be what is upsetting Bron.  She gets rashy and gassy.  (Being wheat free is really annoying.)  So I found different gluten-free things to eat.

The weather was dreary for most of the trip.  Drizzle, rain, and a lot of cold.  So we didn't get outside as much as I would have liked.  Usually we do a lot of walking, but hardly did any this time.

We got to see my Nanny a couple of times, and two of my aunts.  We did a fair amount of shopping.  I got to hang out with my sister a lot, and see her new house(I can't believe my little sister is a homeowner).

Aaron flew out after a week to hang out too.  We took Bertram to the trampoline park one day.  I am very out of shape.  He had fun, but he's still not jumping. 

The flights home were fine.  We had to get up at 4am, but other than that there were no issues.  Both kids did fairly well.  Bertie slept for an hour or 2.  He had a small melt down, but he's 3 and a half, and sitting still that long is no fun.

Since we've been home, his sleep patterns haven't been very good.  He's very tired and will be asleep by 8 every night, but he'll wake up between 5-6 and not go back to sleep.  Then he is really tired throughout the day, but won't nap.  And then is a really grump.  Hopefully, he'll get back into the rhythm soon.

Bronwyn is 4 months old today.  She is sleeping 7-9 hours at night, and naps throughout the day (not really on any schedule yet).  She rolls over both ways.  She likes sitting in the bumbo seat, and holds her head up well.  She pushes up onto her arms when laying on her tummy.  She loves smiling.  She doesn't laugh much (only Rebecca has made her laugh so far).  She doesn't vocalize much either.  She loves sucking on her fingers, or thumb.  Her eyes are starting to become a grey/brown/green.  I think she looks more like me, at least for now.  She is still a great nurser.  And I'll probably wait until 6 months to start introducing food (unless she really shows interest earlier).

Bertram has gotten really interested in maps.  He loves geography.  He can name all the states and most (or all) the capitals.  He knows some of the countries/continents, and oceans.  He also likes the solar system.  He knows all the planets, some of the moons, and some dwarf planets.  He knows a lot of sight words, but isn't sounding out words yet.  He watches a lot of youtube videos about these subjects.  He likes Phineas and Ferb, SpongeBob, and Teen Titans Go.  (Though, we really only watch Phineas and Ferb regularly).  He loves reading, and we go to the library every two or three weeks.  He still can't really say "S" sounds.  (Mississippi sound like Mi-i-i-ppi).  He likes a lot of different foods, lately he's been into cheeseburgers and peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.  He loves Bronwyn, and being a big brother.

I have to say, as hard as it is sometimes, I really love being these kids mom.  I think about a third sometimes (already).  And, I'd love to have another.  But I think two might be our number.  Our house is fairly small, and there is a lot of expense that comes with a third (bigger car, traveling gets harder and costlier).  Plus, I worry about Bronwyn becoming a middle child.  As a middle child, I can say it's not a great place in the birth order.  However, I love my little sister, and can't imagine how things would be without her.  It's still up in the air, and there is time to decide.  But that's where I'm at currently. 

Waiting to get on the plane

Rebecca loves baby snuggles

Blurry, fashion baby

Bertram and Rami

The night no kids wanted to sleep

Bertram and Nana

Reading

Four generations (all ladies)

Four generations

Bronwyn's fuzzy head

Bertie fell asleep across my lap, and Bron was nursing

Another cute outfit

I love them.

A pile of neuroses

I have come to realized that my baseline is a constant state of worry.  Since having Bronwyn my anxieties have gotten worse.

I get stuck in these loops are terrible things that happen to children; the real life monsters lurking in the shadows.  I worry there will be a fire, and I won't be able to get to them.  And it's weird stuff that sets this off, putting Bertie's underwear away, seeing a picture of a smiling child.  And the less weird things that set it off, terrible stories, events, accidents.

Then there are the "normal" worries:

• Am I giving Bertram enough attention since baby came along?
• Is the baby getting enough interactive time with me?
• Do I hover too much in an effort to keep them safe?
• Am I doing enough with Bertram, intellectually?  I can't get him to write letters or draw, he only wants to draw "marble mazes," which are scribbles.
• Will I ever lose the baby weight (or even some of it)?
• Will I ever feel like having sex again?
• Why can't I make myself exercise?
• Why does Bertram wake up in the middle of the night (almost every night)?
• Will we ever be able to have a decent amount in our savings account?
• How can I make friends?
• Why does everyone else seem like they're having so much fun?
• Will I ever feel successful?
• Am I taking the time to do self care? (no.) How can I make time?
• Will I stopped feeling gypped by my experience with Bronwyn's birth?
• Will the house ever look un-exploded?
• Why doesn't Bronwyn poop very often?
• Why is my comfort zone so uncomfortable?
• How much of this can be attributed to PPD?  How much is just me?
• Does anyone ever feel "good enough"?  If so, how?

Then there is envy.  I was thinking about an acquaintance from church, and how seemingly perfect things are for her. She and her husband own a beautiful house, their kids are well behaved, and speak two languages.  They can jet off for international travel without much saving.  The kids are in various private lessons.  She's beautiful, thin, and is always well dressed (even in yoga pants and a t-shirt. (How do people do that?) And I felt so jealous.  Then I felt like a shitty person for feeling jealous.  No one should begrudge anyone else's happiness.  Plus, I, of course, don't know what is going on inside her head.

Anyway, I just wanted to get it all out, in hopes I would feel a little better. But I don't.  I need to email my shrink.

(PS- Don't get too worried.  I'm not suicidal, or anything.  Just sad, and anxious).

Bertram interview (42.5 months)

1. What is something mommy always says to you? Blah

2. What makes you happy? Daddy

3. What makes you sad? When you walk past me

4. What makes you laugh? Tee-tee.  All the things you just said (tv? Books? Daddy?)

5. How old are you? Three and a half

6. How old is Mommy? 9

7. How old is Daddy? 3

8. What is your favorite thing to do? Laugh! Haha!

9. Who is your best friend? Kaylee! (his cousin)

10. What do you want to be when you grow up? A person, or something.  I don’t know.

11. What are you really good at? (Shows me he can open the fridge and freezer)

12. What are you not very good at? Dancing, 'cause I keep falling down

13. What did you do today? Hurt myself. Walked funny.

14. What is your favorite food? Macaroni and spaghetti!

15. What is your favorite song? ABC and 123 and the itsy bitsy spider

16. What do you want for your birthday this year? Get lots of presents. And I’ll open them all up.  And I’ll need Kaylee’s help.

17. What is your favorite animal? Penguin!

 18. What is love? Kiss!

19. What does daddy do for work? He goes to work, to work.

20. Where do you live? (says address correctly) Sacramento California (We don't live in Sacramento)

21. Where is your favorite place to go? My swimming lessons, when my teacher wasn’t there

Another Catch-up

I really should remember to blog more often. Time just gets away, I guess.

My tooth is completely done.  I got my real crown a couple weeks ago.  The EoB came in the mail today.  It looks like it's going to cost a lot less than was estimated, but I'm waiting for a call back from their office.

After waffling for a while, I finally got our tickets to go to Virginia.  There is a new thing called Basic Economy (aka garbage flying).  You pay $400 for a ticket, but you can't have a carry on and you can't choose your seat.  I accidentally bought these tickets to start with.  I'm not sure why they would let someone flying with a 3 year old book those to begin with, as it specifically says families won't be seated together.  It seems like the the top 4 airlines reporting billions in profits, one wouldn't have to pay $400+ and then another $25 for the suitcases to fly too.  Grumble.  Anyway, that got sorted out, but airlines are lame.

Bronwyn is getting better at sleeping.  Not great, but improved.  Most nights she starts out in her own bed.  But usually after a night feeding, I'm too tired to put her back. 

The elimination diet seems to be going well.  So far I've added wheat and dairy back.  She had no issues with dairy, wheat is still questionable.  I added wheat in about 5 days ago.  Her tummy hasn't been more upset, but she seems more grumpy than usual.

Bertram has been acting out more.  I'm going to look into a class through Kaiser to see if we can get some ideas.  Nothing seems to work.

Bertie had a dentist appointment today (his second ever).  He did really well at his first one, but today wasn't great.  He wouldn't let them do much of anything.  But his teeth look fine, and his 3 year molars came in at some point in the last 6 months.  Who knew? 
Bertram also went fishing for the first time today.  He went with his dad and papa.  They didn't catch any fish, but he seemed to have fun, and also enjoyed throwing rocks.

There are a bunch of fires 80 miles north of us, but the air here is terrible.  I wanted to take the kids for a walk, but I didn't want them in the crummy air any longer than necessary.  Maybe tomorrow will be better. 

Here are pictures from the last month:

Bronwyn's first ER visit.  She was fine, but she had a high fever (which disappeared when we arrived)

 

We went to Happy Hallow one day.  They both had fun.

Bertie helping with Bronwyn's 2 month pictures

Grumpy girl

Despite being difficult, he is also incredibly sweet.

He got a haircut

Brony got this cute outfit.

Bertram's Halloween costume, that he changed his mind about as soon as it arrived. (He's not getting a different costume)

We officially have a thumbsucker.