This will likely be short, as I'm typing on my phone. Things are going pretty well. I feel like the cymbalta is working well. So much so, that a few days it's been like I don't actually have depression.
We went to the Legion of Honor with my dad (the kids and I). It was a good time. The last few times Bertram wasn't good company. I wised up and brought his tablet, and Bron rode in the backpack. They did very well, and I had a good time.
Bertram has been riding his scooter more, he's starting to get the hang of it. And he's wearing his helmet (bonus!) He had his second PT visit. The therapist was very happy with his progress.
And next week we're going to an open house for a low/no cost preschool (that we actually qualify for). The campuses aren't super close, but they're only about 15 minutes away. So hopefully we'll like it, and there is an opening for him.
Brony is still a happy little thing. She has her 9 month appointment next week. I think she's on schedule for most of the milestones, but I'll find out next week.
Friday, April 13, 2018
Sunday, March 25, 2018
The dawn
I think the Cymbalta is starting to work. Just in the last 3 or 4 days, it feels like the darkness is lift. When I have a moment to myself, I don't automatically feel sad. Some joy is sneaking in. I do have a couple annoying side effects. Dry mouth, I'm thirsty all the time. And sweating, which is worse. I'll be out doing things, and just be dripping in sweat, for no reason.
I took the kids (mostly just Bertram) bowling on Monday. It wasn't super warm inside, and I wasn't working hard, but I was embarrassing sweaty. Aside from that it was pretty fun. I paid for 90 minutes. It was $5.50 per game (per person) or $9.95 for 90 minutes (per person). I figured the timed rate would be better, that way, if he wanted to keep bowling after two games we could. (Last time we went bowling, which was at least 9 months ago, we did two games, and he wanted to keep playing). He did pretty well, and we had fun. Bronwyn sat patiently, for most of the time.
For the last week, we've had a lot of rain. We need it, but I don't really like it, it makes us a little cooped up.Yesterday, there was only a 20% chance of rain, and it was sunny. So we all walked to the donut shop (about a mile away). Except it started raining about halfway there. The kids were in the stroller, so they stayed fairly dry. Aaron and I were fairly wet.
Bronwyn has slept well a couple nights, like 8 or 9 hours straight. Then last night, she didn't want to sleep at all. She has mastered sitting. And she has started army crawling. She has been trying new foods. I haven't been following the way your supposed to do it. She's been getting table food, and various baby food. She's liked most things. Plain yogurt, waffles, eggs, bread, chicken. She is not a huge fan of baby food peas, but likes cooked peas (like really soft, from a soup).
Thursday, March 8, 2018
Another month later
So after a short stay with Effexor, I've moved onto Cymbalta. It's only been a week or so.
I'm getting really tired of depression. It's really annoying to be at the mall, or reading to the kids, or driving and suddenly feel like breaking down. Doing something fun, and wanting to break. Then, when you are alone and can cry, nothing happens. It's like my emotions are completely broken. And my sex drive is completely gone. Poor Aaron. It's just kind of shitty all around.
My mom was out here for 3 weeks for Bertie's birthday. It was so nice having her here, and it went way too fast. Both kids loved having her here. I'm not sure that Bertram ever stopped talking. And Bron is just the most smiling, happiest kid around.
We had Bertie's 4th birthday. Just family, like always (or at least another year). He wanted a PJ Masks party. So we found decorations and balloons and all the usual things. I made two cakes. He originally told me he wanted a chocolate and strawberry cake. I made one with chocolate frosting, and then he told me he wanted vanilla frosting. So I made a second cake (which is just as well, since one probably wouldn't have been enough). They both turned out well. We had fruit, veggies and pizza. Then he wanted to open gifts. He got a lot of space stuff, books, and puzzles. He was a happy guy. We sang and all had cake. The kids were playing with the star-shaped confetti, which I told them not to do while they ate. I think Bertram must have set his fork down on one, because he started crying and gagging. (God, it was so scary, I'm still upset over it). I ran over and looked in his mouth, I couldn't see it. He kept saying that it hurt, and would gag again. I tried finger-sweeping him, with no success. I called my mom to help. She wasn't panicked like I was. He gagged a few more times and out it came. He gagged a little more and then cried and cried. I held him and cried too. I kept thinking, why did I put that stupid confetti there? He got over it a lot quicker than I did. (Since I'm still not). But it didn't ruin his day, which is good.
He had his well check. He is just about 50th% for height and weight. He's still not jumping or peddling, so we're starting PT tomorrow. And he sees the ophthalmologist on Monday to determine if he's colour blind. I told him he wasn't getting any shots, because he was concerned. The problem was, I didn't know he was getting boosters. He was sad, and cried. And I did my best not to cry, because, my emotions are out of whack.
Anyway, on top of all the depression stuff, the kids are my sunshine. I just think about how lucky I am to be their mom.
I'm getting really tired of depression. It's really annoying to be at the mall, or reading to the kids, or driving and suddenly feel like breaking down. Doing something fun, and wanting to break. Then, when you are alone and can cry, nothing happens. It's like my emotions are completely broken. And my sex drive is completely gone. Poor Aaron. It's just kind of shitty all around.
My mom was out here for 3 weeks for Bertie's birthday. It was so nice having her here, and it went way too fast. Both kids loved having her here. I'm not sure that Bertram ever stopped talking. And Bron is just the most smiling, happiest kid around.
We had Bertie's 4th birthday. Just family, like always (or at least another year). He wanted a PJ Masks party. So we found decorations and balloons and all the usual things. I made two cakes. He originally told me he wanted a chocolate and strawberry cake. I made one with chocolate frosting, and then he told me he wanted vanilla frosting. So I made a second cake (which is just as well, since one probably wouldn't have been enough). They both turned out well. We had fruit, veggies and pizza. Then he wanted to open gifts. He got a lot of space stuff, books, and puzzles. He was a happy guy. We sang and all had cake. The kids were playing with the star-shaped confetti, which I told them not to do while they ate. I think Bertram must have set his fork down on one, because he started crying and gagging. (God, it was so scary, I'm still upset over it). I ran over and looked in his mouth, I couldn't see it. He kept saying that it hurt, and would gag again. I tried finger-sweeping him, with no success. I called my mom to help. She wasn't panicked like I was. He gagged a few more times and out it came. He gagged a little more and then cried and cried. I held him and cried too. I kept thinking, why did I put that stupid confetti there? He got over it a lot quicker than I did. (Since I'm still not). But it didn't ruin his day, which is good.
He had his well check. He is just about 50th% for height and weight. He's still not jumping or peddling, so we're starting PT tomorrow. And he sees the ophthalmologist on Monday to determine if he's colour blind. I told him he wasn't getting any shots, because he was concerned. The problem was, I didn't know he was getting boosters. He was sad, and cried. And I did my best not to cry, because, my emotions are out of whack.
Anyway, on top of all the depression stuff, the kids are my sunshine. I just think about how lucky I am to be their mom.
Saturday, February 3, 2018
Bronwyn has tried a couple new foods: yam and apple sauce. She likes both of those. I think I'll stick with orange foods and try carrots and pumpkin next.
But, today she threw up. It was really worrisome, since Bertram has never thrown up (he barely ever spat up). I gave her rice cereal and apple sauce for brekkie, after nursing. We went to the flea market, and she threw up there, bubbly, frothy and a little yellow (bile, I'd guess). Then a few more times on the drive home. She was retching, and then she'd cry. I felt so sad. When we got home, I nursed her and after a bit she threw up again. I let her rest for a bit. She seemed tired, so I laid down with her, and nursed her to sleep. Then she was ok. Everything stayed down. She does have a little fever, 99.9. We'll see how she does tonight.
Grandma hasn't been feeling well either, which is always concerning, since she is 93. She went to the hospital earlier this week for severe back pain. She was really dehydrated, and she'd been mixing up her medication. Then she ended up back in the ER today, because she was throwing up and had diarrhea. We were concerned that she had the flu, since it's been so bad this year. She was released and they said it was probably a virus. I worry it may be withdrawal from pain meds (I think she had been taking more than she realized. And after the first ER visit they said no more pain meds).
But, today she threw up. It was really worrisome, since Bertram has never thrown up (he barely ever spat up). I gave her rice cereal and apple sauce for brekkie, after nursing. We went to the flea market, and she threw up there, bubbly, frothy and a little yellow (bile, I'd guess). Then a few more times on the drive home. She was retching, and then she'd cry. I felt so sad. When we got home, I nursed her and after a bit she threw up again. I let her rest for a bit. She seemed tired, so I laid down with her, and nursed her to sleep. Then she was ok. Everything stayed down. She does have a little fever, 99.9. We'll see how she does tonight.
Grandma hasn't been feeling well either, which is always concerning, since she is 93. She went to the hospital earlier this week for severe back pain. She was really dehydrated, and she'd been mixing up her medication. Then she ended up back in the ER today, because she was throwing up and had diarrhea. We were concerned that she had the flu, since it's been so bad this year. She was released and they said it was probably a virus. I worry it may be withdrawal from pain meds (I think she had been taking more than she realized. And after the first ER visit they said no more pain meds).
Monday, January 29, 2018
A month later
Another month has gone by, I should be more consistent.
I switched my antidepressant from Celexa to Effexor. It's still pretty new, but it seems to be working alright. I also restarted Humira, which is annoying.
Bronwyn is getting closer to crawling. She is getting up on all fours, but only briefly. She had her 6 month check up. She is a tiny thing: 13.4 lbs, which is 6th %ile, and 25.75" long, which is 24th %ile. I guess we just make little babies. We've started some solid food, but she's not too interested. She's tried rice cereal, avocado, and peas. She tolerates the cereal but doesn't like much else. She is working on her first tooth, but nothing has come through yet. She loves to chew and drool. But hasn't been sleeping well as a result.
My sister was here for a week to visit. That was fun, but sad when she had to leave. But my mom will be here in a few weeks.
I've started working on the taxes, but we're still missing Aaron's student loan stuff. So far it looks pretty good.
I switched my antidepressant from Celexa to Effexor. It's still pretty new, but it seems to be working alright. I also restarted Humira, which is annoying.
Bronwyn is getting closer to crawling. She is getting up on all fours, but only briefly. She had her 6 month check up. She is a tiny thing: 13.4 lbs, which is 6th %ile, and 25.75" long, which is 24th %ile. I guess we just make little babies. We've started some solid food, but she's not too interested. She's tried rice cereal, avocado, and peas. She tolerates the cereal but doesn't like much else. She is working on her first tooth, but nothing has come through yet. She loves to chew and drool. But hasn't been sleeping well as a result.
My sister was here for a week to visit. That was fun, but sad when she had to leave. But my mom will be here in a few weeks.
I've started working on the taxes, but we're still missing Aaron's student loan stuff. So far it looks pretty good.
Saturday, December 23, 2017
Year End Survey
1. What did you do in 2017 that you'd never done before?
Had a baby without drugs, was unemployed/full-time SAHM
2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?I don't think I made one. I don't really plan on making any
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
People at church
4. Did anyone close to you die?No
5. What countries did you visit?
none, still.
6. What would you like to have in 2018 that you lacked in 2017?
Be more active. More outside time with the kids.
7. What days from 2017 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
The day Bronwyn was born
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Bertram has started reading (though it's really more his achievement than mine)
9. What was your biggest failure?
Not leaving for the hospital in time to get an epidural
10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Recovery from birth was awful
11. What was the best thing you bought?
Double stroller
12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
Bertram. I thought he would have a hard time not being an only child, but he's been great.
13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
Anything to do with Trump
14. Where did most of your money go?
Rent.
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Having a baby girl
16. What song will always remind you of 2017?
Sign of the Times (though, maybe that came out last year?)
17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder? happier,
ii. thinner or fatter? Probably a little thinner
iii. richer or poorer? richer, I think
18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Exercised while pregnant
19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
laundry (because I hate laundry)
20. How will you spend Christmas?
We're going to open our stockings tomorrow (Christmas eve). Christmas day we'll have dinner with Aaron's extended family
22. Did you fall in love in 2017?
With Bronwyn
23. How many one-night stands?
none, duh.
24. What was your favorite TV program?
Rick and Morty
25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
No, I try not to waste time on hate.
26. What was the best book you read?
I only read a couple of books this year. But I liked The Drug Hunters a lot
27. What was your greatest musical (re)discovery?
More of the same stuff., Nothing spectacular is springing to mind
28. What did you want and get?
A drug free birth
29. What did you want and not get?
A pleasant drug free birth
30. What was your favorite film of this year?
That implies that I saw movies...
31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I have no clue what we did... I turned 34
32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?Having no depression and anxiety
33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2017?
Maternity clothes
34. What kept you sane?
Anti-depressants
35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
...I can't think of anyone.
36. What political issue stirred you the most?
Pretty much all of them. It was a terrible year, politically speaking
37. Who did you miss?
My mom and seester
38. Who was the best new person you met?
I don't meet a lot of new people
39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2017:
Leave for the hospital earlier than you think is necessary
40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
??
Had a baby without drugs, was unemployed/full-time SAHM
2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?I don't think I made one. I don't really plan on making any
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
People at church
4. Did anyone close to you die?No
5. What countries did you visit?
none, still.
6. What would you like to have in 2018 that you lacked in 2017?
Be more active. More outside time with the kids.
7. What days from 2017 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
The day Bronwyn was born
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Bertram has started reading (though it's really more his achievement than mine)
9. What was your biggest failure?
Not leaving for the hospital in time to get an epidural
10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Recovery from birth was awful
11. What was the best thing you bought?
Double stroller
12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
Bertram. I thought he would have a hard time not being an only child, but he's been great.
13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
Anything to do with Trump
14. Where did most of your money go?
Rent.
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Having a baby girl
16. What song will always remind you of 2017?
Sign of the Times (though, maybe that came out last year?)
17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder? happier,
ii. thinner or fatter? Probably a little thinner
iii. richer or poorer? richer, I think
18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Exercised while pregnant
19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
laundry (because I hate laundry)
20. How will you spend Christmas?
We're going to open our stockings tomorrow (Christmas eve). Christmas day we'll have dinner with Aaron's extended family
22. Did you fall in love in 2017?
With Bronwyn
23. How many one-night stands?
none, duh.
24. What was your favorite TV program?
Rick and Morty
25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
No, I try not to waste time on hate.
26. What was the best book you read?
I only read a couple of books this year. But I liked The Drug Hunters a lot
27. What was your greatest musical (re)discovery?
More of the same stuff., Nothing spectacular is springing to mind
28. What did you want and get?
A drug free birth
29. What did you want and not get?
A pleasant drug free birth
30. What was your favorite film of this year?
That implies that I saw movies...
31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I have no clue what we did... I turned 34
32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?Having no depression and anxiety
33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2017?
Maternity clothes
34. What kept you sane?
Anti-depressants
35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
...I can't think of anyone.
36. What political issue stirred you the most?
Pretty much all of them. It was a terrible year, politically speaking
37. Who did you miss?
My mom and seester
38. Who was the best new person you met?
I don't meet a lot of new people
39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2017:
Leave for the hospital earlier than you think is necessary
40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
??
Friday, December 15, 2017
This and That
We got our Christmas tree up, and Aaron put lights on the house (which we haven't done in a while). There are a lot of gifts under the tree. All the stockings are full, except Bronwyn. What do you put in a stocking for a 5 month old? So far she has socks in it. I may get her another chewy toy. We aren't doing Santa. So that's why the stockings are full. Bertram asks every morning if it's time to open presents. Yesterday, he said "We need to buy a present to send to Nana, for the baby". I told him the baby is with us, and Nana has toys. He said "No, the other baby!" He was talking about his (step) cousin, Lawson. That was really cute, and sweet. I'm pretty excited to see him open his gifts. And he wants to help Bronwyn open hers too.
Christmas is a hard time for me. It's a bit better this year, than in years past. It's an odd feeling. And I'd guess non-depressed people don't understand. I'll go out to buy gifts, or whatever. And I'll be really excited. Then all of a sudden, it just hits. I don't even know how to describe it.
Aaron and I went to a parenting class for disciplining the willful child. It was really informative, and helpful. Also, I've started to get up when Aaron does, make the bed, get dressed. Otherwise, we stay in our jammies too long and watch too much tv. His screen time has been increasing exponentially lately. I've cut him back to an hour (30 on the table, 30 on tv or youTube). He's been finding ways to stay busy. He plays with play doh for an hour at a time (or more), blocks, other art projects. He loves playing in flour. What I need to work on is more outside time. I need to clean up the back yard (hopefully tomorrow). Pick up the dog poop, pull the weeds, more room to play. Or walk to the park more. (Our jogging stroller has a flat tire, I need to order a new intertube).
The kids have been amazing lately. I feel so lucky everyday to be their mommy, and to be able to stay home with them. I'm grateful that Aaron works hard at a job that isn't his dream, so that we have amazing insurance and I can be home. I talked to Bertram about preschool, and he said he didn't want to go to school, he wanted to stay with me. (Preschool may not be an option. The cheapest preschool around here is about $300 a month, for 2 half-days a week. There is a free preschool through our school district (which I'm looking into), but my guess is that we make too much money to qualify, even though, around here we are definitely in the the low to middle income bracket).
Bertram is still amazing with Bronwyn. He is a great helper, when I need him to get something for me. He is generally happy, he's really creative. He knows way too much about the solar system and geography. He loves maps. He has finally started drawing something other than "marble mazes" (aka scribbles), he's drawing maps. He talks about traveling to different places. We've started reading some. He has a lot of sight words. He's not too interested in phonics yet. He loves helping in the kitchen, he always wants to bake. He is affectionate with the whole family. And he is a funny kid. We were at Safeway yesterday, and we wanted to get something to drink (lemonade for him, diet coke for me). We were waiting for the guy and the counter, he came over, and Bertram pointed to the cups and said "We'd like two drinks please".
Bronwyn is almost 5 months old. She is generally a happy kid. She wakes up from a nap, I go in and talk to her, and she'll pop her head up and just smile. She is the cutest thing. She is a big drooler. I keep thinking she is teething, but nothing yet. She's chewing on everything. She's started playing with toys, she loves rings, and taggie toys. She likes playing on her tummy, and grabbing daddy's beard. She wants to crawl, but she's not coordinated enough. She loves baths. Bron is a major thumb sucker. She is still a good nurser. (I'm still wheat free for her). She has a dimple (almost two)
I just feel so lucky to have great kids, and to be their mom.
Christmas is a hard time for me. It's a bit better this year, than in years past. It's an odd feeling. And I'd guess non-depressed people don't understand. I'll go out to buy gifts, or whatever. And I'll be really excited. Then all of a sudden, it just hits. I don't even know how to describe it.
Aaron and I went to a parenting class for disciplining the willful child. It was really informative, and helpful. Also, I've started to get up when Aaron does, make the bed, get dressed. Otherwise, we stay in our jammies too long and watch too much tv. His screen time has been increasing exponentially lately. I've cut him back to an hour (30 on the table, 30 on tv or youTube). He's been finding ways to stay busy. He plays with play doh for an hour at a time (or more), blocks, other art projects. He loves playing in flour. What I need to work on is more outside time. I need to clean up the back yard (hopefully tomorrow). Pick up the dog poop, pull the weeds, more room to play. Or walk to the park more. (Our jogging stroller has a flat tire, I need to order a new intertube).
The kids have been amazing lately. I feel so lucky everyday to be their mommy, and to be able to stay home with them. I'm grateful that Aaron works hard at a job that isn't his dream, so that we have amazing insurance and I can be home. I talked to Bertram about preschool, and he said he didn't want to go to school, he wanted to stay with me. (Preschool may not be an option. The cheapest preschool around here is about $300 a month, for 2 half-days a week. There is a free preschool through our school district (which I'm looking into), but my guess is that we make too much money to qualify, even though, around here we are definitely in the the low to middle income bracket).
Bertram is still amazing with Bronwyn. He is a great helper, when I need him to get something for me. He is generally happy, he's really creative. He knows way too much about the solar system and geography. He loves maps. He has finally started drawing something other than "marble mazes" (aka scribbles), he's drawing maps. He talks about traveling to different places. We've started reading some. He has a lot of sight words. He's not too interested in phonics yet. He loves helping in the kitchen, he always wants to bake. He is affectionate with the whole family. And he is a funny kid. We were at Safeway yesterday, and we wanted to get something to drink (lemonade for him, diet coke for me). We were waiting for the guy and the counter, he came over, and Bertram pointed to the cups and said "We'd like two drinks please".
Bronwyn is almost 5 months old. She is generally a happy kid. She wakes up from a nap, I go in and talk to her, and she'll pop her head up and just smile. She is the cutest thing. She is a big drooler. I keep thinking she is teething, but nothing yet. She's chewing on everything. She's started playing with toys, she loves rings, and taggie toys. She likes playing on her tummy, and grabbing daddy's beard. She wants to crawl, but she's not coordinated enough. She loves baths. Bron is a major thumb sucker. She is still a good nurser. (I'm still wheat free for her). She has a dimple (almost two)
I just feel so lucky to have great kids, and to be their mom.
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