No sleep til

So far the sleep incentives haven't done much.  Bertie will go to bed without much of a fight.  But he still wakes us up every night, and he's still getting out of bed too early. 

In the mean time, my sleep quality and quantity have taken a nose dive.  Insomnia is bad, friends.  Even if I take a sleep aid, I'm often awake from 3 or 4 on.  Like, right now.  Bertie woke up, Bron woke up, and then I was awake.  I took half an Ambien, and still, I'm awake.  With 2 and a half hours of sleep to show for it. I had three nights this week with less than 4 hours of sleep.

On top of that (or maybe because of it) I'm feeling really burnt out.  It's tough, because if you're burnt out from your job you can take time off, or even find a new job.  Which is not to say I don't love my "job".  Being home with the kids is what I wanted, and I love it.  But I need a break, which seems awful to say.  And worse because I'm not sure what that looks like.  Bronwyn still wakes in the night to nurse about 3 days a week, so I can't take a night off.  And there isn't really anything I specifically want to do.  Actually, I want to spend time with the family, but not have to be "on".  Which I guess would mean everyone behaves perfectly.  So, that's not too likely either. 

I'm just rambling. 

Sleep screw up

Once upon a time, Bertram was a good sleeper.  He could sleep on his own, with minimum intervention from Aaron or me.  Fast forward to last night: it took him 1.5 hours to go to sleep, because someone had to sit with him.  Then he woke up at 4.  Normally, Aaron or I would lay down with him til he (or inevitably both of us) would fall asleep.  But, I realized how far we'd slid back on sleeping.  So we started minimal-contact-say-good-night-back-to-bed thing.  The problem with this is (of course that it sucks, but) you have to pass through Bronwyn's room to get to ours.  So going back and forth every 5 minutes wakes her up.  Especially since he's usually crying.  At some point, I told Aaron I'd stay in the front of the house, so Bron and Aaron could sleep uninterrupted.

Aside from putting him back in bed ad infinitum, I devised a plan.  I made a calendar (sticker chart).  He has the opportunity to earn 3 stickers each night. 
1. Going to bed on his own, without issue
2. Sleeping all night (aka don't wake mom and dad/Bronwyn)
3. Stay in bed til the clock changes colour.  (We got him a clock when he got his big bed that is blue when it's sleeping til and yellow when it's get up time.  It worked well, for a while, until we got lazy).

Once he earns 21 stickers, he will get a remote controlled BattleBot.  I think this will be a good incentive because he's been talking about it for months.  (They're between $30-40 so I was putting him off til Christmas or Birthday, but if this works, I'll happily buy it now.)

Fingers crossed.

Also, hopefully I get a nap today.

My monthly post (or The Vacation that Wasn't)

As usual, I've been meaning to post, but haven't, for whatever reason. But this will probably be a long one. Hopefully I can organize my thoughts.  (I'm trying to keep in all in past-tense, but I know I'll skip to present-tense at some point.  Sorry in advance).

In late August Brony had a bout of barfing.  Aaron got her out of the crib, and she was pretty much covered.  I held her, she threw up more (on me).  Aaron called advice and went to get an antiemetic.  I got pretty good at catching the vomit in a bucket.  The next day, she was completely fine.

In early September, Bronwyn had a sinus virus.  I took her to the doctor to have her ears checked before we flew.  She, Bertie and I got our flu shots.

September 7th we got up at 4am to get to our flight.  Maybe it was 3:30?  It was really early, either way.  The kids did very well with waking so early.  Aaron's dad gave us a ride to the airport, and we were on our way.  Security was fairly easy.  And Aaron hid his flying anxiety very well.  We flew from San Jose to Newark, so it was a L.O.N.G. flight.  But we had free tv, which helped.  Both kids did well.  I had Bron sleeping in the mei tai carrier off and on.  At one point, she got fussy, and was pointing at Aaron.  So I handed her to him.  About a minute later she threw up.  All over him.  So much barf, I have no idea where it all came from.  Then she felt better, and Aaron felt worse.  We cleaned up what we could, the flight attendant brought us paper towels. I changed Bronwyn.  But Aaron didn't have anything to change into. (Why would an adult need a change of clothes? we thought.  I didn't bring any in my carry on either). I think we were an hour from Newark at that point, so it wasn't too long before he could change.
We arrive in Newark.  We stopped in the first shop, and Aaron bought a "Newark, New Jersey" tee shirt, and went in the bathroom to clean up.  (We couldn't find any shorts, or pants). At some point, Bertie needed to pee, so I rush him to the bathroom.  The line in the women's was out the door.  The men's was much shorter. So I stood with him as long as I could before I couldn't see him.  He was fine, of course, but it (like many other things) made me nervous.  After we were sorted out, we needed to take a bus to the A terminal.  We decided we would get lunch once we got there.  They security checked our boarding passes before we got on. We rode.  I grouch that they should have a tram, or make it walk-able, because the bus is stupid and annoying.  We arrived in the A20-27 terminal, only to discover it is the world's smallest terminal.  We couldn't take the bus to another terminal, because our boarding passes said we were where we needed to be.  Aaron asked a security guard if we had options.  He said we could go to the other side of  security and get food, but we'd have to go back through, and the two hours we had might not have been enough time.  (Holy hell! How long are their security lines?!)  There was one sit down restaurant in our tiny terminal (along with a coffee shop, Auntie Anne's pretzels, and a book/stuff store).  We waited in line for the sit down place.  It was ok.  The food was over priced, of course.  We wait around for our plane.  The kids were both getting squirmy, but there wasn't much we could do.  We weren't going to let Bron crawl around on the airport floor.  And there wasn't anywhere Bertie could expel energy either. (But (I'm going to be judgy now) the lady sitting across from us didn't seem to have that issue.  Before we'd sat down, her boys (probably 5 and 2ish) had dumped popcorn all over, and the floor was littered with candy wrappers.  (Yes, the mess was their's as the kid was still eating the candy, and the popcorn bag was near their stuff). The 5 year old was loud, and running around, and touching everyone's stuff.  Both he and the younger boy would run out of the mom's eyesight (which would make me super anxious).  This continued the whole time we waited.  The mom was either on her phone, or looked like she couldn't be bother to care what her kids were up to).
We took the short flight from Newark to Richmond.  No issues.  And somehow, one of our suitcases arrived before the plane.
It is at this point we start to hear about hurricane Florance.  We are scheduled to stay at Myrtle Beach from 9 Sept-15 Sept.
September 8th I got up fairly early with the kids.  (It is a fairly unique situation when I stay with my mom.  Mom moved to back Virginia in 2001.  Sometime there after, she and the man next door (Glenn) fell in love.  She moved into his house, which means that my older sister has the whole house to herself (unless we're visiting.))  The kids and I went next door to hang out.  For some reason, Bertram was calling Glenn (aka Papa) Brett.  Brett is the man down the street from us.  I guess they look similar, but it was funny.  I went for a walk with my younger sister and mom, then we all went out to lunch.
While we were out , Aaron's parents had been trying to call us.  My FiL (Dennis) went to see the dogs around 7.  They went out, and laid back down.  He came back around 9, and found Zelda in the bathroom (which is odd, she didn't usually go in there), on the floor, unable to get up, and surrounded by poop.  Aaron's cousin (who lives across the street from us) had to carry Zelda to the car, because she's big, and fairly heavy.  They took her to the vet and made her comfortable.  But she still couldn't get up.  So the vet said to give her til 6pm and then we could decide.  (Our theory is that she went in the bathroom, and got stuck, unable to turn around (she couldn't ever back up well), and at that point panicked or slipped, and broke her back. 
We tried to get on with our day in the mean time.  We debated back and forth about even going to Myrtle Beach, as it's a 6+ hour drive.  And varying points it looked like it would directly hit Myrtle Beach on Wednesday-ish (though, the forecast seemed to change hourly).  Rebecca called the hotel, they said they were open.  And if there was a mandatory evacuation mom would be refunded.  We decided to throw caution to the wind and see what happened. 
We talked to the vet again in the evening, Zelda had no improvement, so we decided it was time.  It's hard to put your dog down, it's harder to do it from 3000 miles away.  Every time one of our animals has been put to sleep, I've been there to hold their paw.  Zelda had to do it alone, without a familiar face.  I also realized I didn't even say bye to her before we left on vacation.  I didn't think to ask the vet to hold on to her collar and tags, so they are gone too.  (I'm crying now.  I just feel like such a shitty dog parent.  We gave her so much, and she deserved better at the end).  She was about a month shy of her 13th birthday.  It's old for a Greyhound, and we'd had her since May of 2010.
September 9th  We got up and headed down to the beach.  Not too far from home there was a major semi-truck accident that shut down the whole South side on the freeway.  We were stuck waiting to be re-routed for a while.  Though, not as bad as Rebecca and Nate.  They were stuck behind the accident on the freeway.  The backup was about 2-miles long, with zero movement.  When we drove passed people were standing around outside of their cars.
The rest of the drive was uneventful.  We wrote down stated from license plate, and tried to find radio stations.  We had to make lots of stops for potty breaks, and because Bronwyn was done with being in the car.  I managed to squeeze myself between their carseats, and was able to nurse Brony while we drove.   Mom, Jessica, Rebecca and Nate all arrived around 4.  We got there closer to 6.  The room was supposed to be ready at 4, but it was probably 5:30 before it was actually ready.  So we didn't miss much.  We all got dinner, and later Aaron, the kids, Rebecca and I went to the pool.
We kept tabs on the hurricane.  At that point it wasn't likely to make land until Thursday evening or Friday morning.  We debated among ourselves when we should leave.  I voted for mid day on Wednesday (not that it mattered in the end).
September 10th Our one, and only day at the beach.  We headed out early-ish.  (It turns out it takes a lot to get two little kids to the beach: tons of sunscreen, toys, towels, shade tent etc).  Bertie had a blast.  And the water was so warm and wonderful. (Also the skies were completely clear).  Bronwyn didn't want to be in the ocean much.  Then wanted to eat sand.  So I took her to the pool.  (That little bit of time sitting on the shore was all the ocean/beach time I got).  Around noon the four of us came up to the room for lunch.  And Bron took a long nap. After that there wasn't time to go back to the beach before we needed to go to dinner.  Right before we left for dinner we got a call that an evacuation order had been issued, and we needed to leave the hotel by 11:30am Tuesday Sept 11th.
We drove to Broadway at the Beach (a shopping center, touristy place), to eat at Joe's Crab Shack.  We wanted to walk around after dinner, but now we had to go and repack everything.  We really wanted to go in the Kwik-E-Mart (a la The Simpsons), but it was all boarded up for the storm after we'd finished dinner.  We went back to the hotel.  Walked on the beach for a bit, and then started repacking and reloading the cars.  Then planned to get on the road by 7am, to beat the evacuation traffic.
September 11th The weather was calm, serene and beautiful as we left.  Not too far along on our drive Bronwyn started fussing.  So I squeezed into the back of the car again.  Then she threw up again.  Not a lot like on the plane, but definitely vomit, not spit up.  But after a little while she went to sleep.  We didn't hit ant traffic on the way back (despite the evacuation order).  It was a very long day, nonetheless. 
The hurricane did make land somewhere between Thursday and Friday, but it hit North Carolina, not South.  I would periodically look at the different Myrtle Beach webcams, and most of the time the weather was either sunny or very mild rain, and there was no shortage of people walking around.  (Though, even if the beach was fine, the roads we'd need to take back through North Carolina were impassable.)
After Wednesday, we just had rain.  Lots of rain.  It was actually pretty neat to see so much rain.
Aaron went home on September 17th.  The weather was calling for thunderstorms.  In the afternoon, mom, the kids, and I went to Target.  On the way there Glenn called and said there was a tornado warning.  We didn't think too much of it because the sky was blue where we were, and Virginia doesn't really get many tornadoes.  When we got there, the sky started to get cloudy again, so we decided to hurry and get what we needed and head about home.  A couple minutes later, there was an announcement for a tornado warning in the area, and everyone needed to go to the middle/back on the store.  That was seriously the most anxiety filled, scary time on my life.  There wasn't a basement to go to, or anywhere like they say you should go.  I had a very nervous tummy, so I went to the front of the store to use the bathroom.  I could see the sky, the clouds were still white, which I took as a good sign.  I couldn't stop sweating.  I think we had to stay there for 45 minutes.  Once the warning expired we got our stuff and ran for it.  I've never wanted to leave Target to badly.We got back to the house, and I paced around anxiously until the next tornado warning expired.  Then I could finally calm down some.  It was awful.
The rest of the trip was (fortunately) uneventful.  I flew back with the kids last week.  No issues, just another long day.

I missed all of August.

I think depression is still been an issue.  I don't feel particularly depressed, but I don't have any energy or desire to do much of anything.  And I binge eat.  For the most part, both of those problems will be solved when I start using Adderall again.  But that could still be 6+ months away.  My weight is still waaaayyy higher than I want, and than it should be.  But I can really only take that one day at a time.  I'm going back to 16:8, and working on my binge eating.  I'm trying to make an effort to move more (though, I only have 4000 steps today). 

Bertram started pre-K last week.  He seems to like it.  He didn't cry, when it was time to go in (which I was concerned about).  But it doesn't seem like he's playing with other kids much (maybe that's normal?)  Generally, he's perfectly happy to play by himself, so maybe I shouldn't be too concerned.  I drove both mornings (because Bron wasn't awake early enough to walk), but she and I walked both afternoons. (Actually, I tried jogging one of the days.  Holy cow, am I out of shape!).  But, as the weather cools off a little, I can spend more time outside.

And since I missed so much time, I can't actually think of anything else to add right now.

End of July

Bertram did pretty well with his Space Camp.  I should have just told him it was preschool.  I think he was expecting a real rocket, or something.  His cousin, Kaylee, was in the class with him, which was nice.  But he had a hard time with me leaving, most days.  I found a method that worked for both of us, by the end of the week.  (I go in with him.  He says he wants to go home.  I ignore that and sit down.  After a minute or so, he gets something to play with.  Then he gets really into whatever he's doing.  I tell him "I'm going in 2 minutes."  He says ok.  Two minutes later I tell him bye, and he barely looks up).  All in all, he had fun.

I think I mentioned previously, that I signed Bertie up for free preschool.  But it was every day, and not on the best side of the city.  I found a preschool program through San Jose Parks and Rec, which was just what I wanted.  Two half days a week, close enough to walk to (1.2 miles away) and doesn't cost a fortune.  ($197 a month, which is about $100 less than any other program in the area). He starts on the 28th of August and goes til May 30.  I've got to get him excited, maybe having him choose a backpack and lunch box? 
Here is the description:
This class prepares your child for kindergarten with age-appropriate
activities, learning concepts, socialization skills and fun. Your child will gain
a basic understanding of shapes, colors and pre-phonics and literacy
building (i.e. identifying letter sounds, and writing the alphabet and simple
words), as well as number recognition, and counting up to 30. The goal is
to have fun, participate and learn. Children must be fully potty trained before the start of class. Requirements for parent attendance, volunteers, snacks, etc. varies by center.

I think some of it may be boring for him.  He knows colours, and shapes, and he reads fairly well.  But the socialization will be good, and counting.  He can get to 12, then skips a couple numbers going to 30. And phonics will be good.  He knows the letter sounds, but doesn't seem to associate them with words.  His reading is about 90% sight reading.  So it's exciting.

Bronwyn turned one last week.  She had her well check on Friday.  She is still a tiny girl 16lb12.4oz, and 28 inches tall.  I think that is 8%ile for weight, and 16%ile for height.  But she is good on all developmental issues.  She's just a tiny girl.  She has 4 teeth, and it working on a couple more.  She got three shots: MMR, Hep A and chicken pox.  She was grumpy immediately following her appointment, but was fine the rest of the day.  (Poor kid, she cried so hard).  I'm feeding her meals first, then nursing after, to see if that will help her gain a little weight. 

We had her party on Saturday.  It was low key, just family.  I had some water stuff for the older cousins (they are 4, 5, and 6) to play will.  We had Eggrolls, rice, watermelon, veggies and cake.

She liked this little splash pad.

She wasn't a fan of her smash cake.

She was very tired at the end, because she'd missed a nap.  

My mom is here (because of Bronwyn's birthday).  I love having her around.  I wish she lived closer.  But I'm glad I get to see her as much as I do (especially because 3000 miles is far away).  

The kids started swimming lessons last week.  (It's 2 weeks mon-thur). Bertie is in the tot class (Turtles) and Bron and I are in the baby class (Whales).  This is the first time Bertram has done swimming lessons without me.  He's doing very well, from what I can tell.  I watch him while I'm doing things with Brony on the otherwise of the pool.  Bronwyn is really too young for the actual instruction.  But she enjoys being in the water.  She really likes jumping in.  At the side of the pool, she climbs out.  And stands up, holding my fingers.  I help her jump in, she smiles and wants to go again and again.  I dunked her under a little bit, and it didn't bother her at all.

I bought our plane tickets to go to Virginia.  We'll be going to Myrtle Beach from there.  I'm really excited.  I love the beach, and both kids love the beach.  Aaron could take or leave the beach, but likes vacation.  It took forever to get the tickets sorted out.  We had $800 in travel certificates from United (from when Aaron chose to get bumped last year).  But I have to do Aaron's reservation separate from me and the kids because he comes back sooner.  So I had two screens going at once, so we could have seats together. But I got to the end, and it wasn't accepting the certificate (an error message kept popping up).  So I called customer service, and got Aaron's done.  I figured mine would work, but it didn't.  So I had to call back and do it again.  All in all, it took almost an hour to get it all done.

Now it's July

On Monday (almost a week ago), I had my every-couple-of-years colonoscopy.  I did the same prep that I had used previously, Miralax in Gatorade (with Duocolax and Mg Citrate).  I need to remember to start my prep a lot sooner than the paperwork says.  I started drinking the Miralax (half a bottle in 32oz of green Gatorade) around 4pm.  I didn't have any results until about 2am.  I think it's supposed to work in 2 hours.  Since it didn't start working til very early in the morning, which meant I wasn't really ready at 8:30, like I was supposed to be.  I was worried that the camera wouldn't be able to see what it needed to.  But everything was fine.  There wasn't anything worrisome.  My GI did take some biopsies, so we'll see if there is anything wrong when they come back from pathology.

Bertie wants someone to hangout with him til he falls asleep.  So bedtime is often a battle (which I think is fairly common).  After telling him to go to bed about 15 times tonight, he came back out and said "will you snuggle with me?"  (Snuggle sounds more like nuddle).  I told him no and to go back to bed.  Then I felt terrible, and went in to lay down with him for a few minutes.  I asked him how he was feeling lately.  He said good.  I said it seems like you've been sad or angry a lot lately.  He responded I want you to do things with me, but you won't do them.  Ouch.  I suck.  I thought I said yes to him a good amount of time, but apparently not often enough. 

This is one of the major things giving me pause about having a third baby.  I have enough love for everyone.  But I don't know that I can give everyone the time and attention they need and deserve. 

And on the same page- I'm having second thoughts about Bertram going to preschool next year.  I really don't want him gone everyday.  He'll be doing that soon enough with kindergarten.  (Plus he's good on academics, it's mostly for social skills, classroom skills etc).

Aaron and I have been doing 16:8 intermittent fasting.  We (generally) eat between the hours of 10am-6pm.  Then nothing with calories the rest of the time.  It's supposed to be fairly effective for weight loss, and it's easy to do.  It hasn't been hard (other than the first couple evenings, because I'm used to snacking at night).  Aaron has been really good about sticking to it, and has lose 6-7 lbs in about 2 weeks.  I've not been as good.  A couple nights I was really hungry.  With the colonoscopy prep, I had to eat all day.  So I'll do better this week and hopefully this week, and the scale will reflect it.  I've lost a couple lbs so far.  I've been in a little funk, so my exercise hasn't been up to par either.

In the next couple weeks Bertram has space camp (starting tomorrow), both kids have swimming lessons, my mom is coming out, we're having Bronwyn's birthday (how is she almost 1?), Bertram has a PT appt, and I have another dental visit.  So we'll be busy. 

Bertram's very late 4 year interview

Interviewing Bertram (51 months 4y3m)

1. What is something mommy always says to you?   I always love you

2. What makes you happy?  You.

3. What makes you sad?  Bad dreams

4. What makes you laugh? Funny stuff

5. How old are you? Four.

6. How old is Mommy? Eight

7. How old is Daddy? 8

8. What is your favorite thing to do? Watch Duck Tales (which is what he's currently doing)

9. Who is your best friend?  Kaylee

10. What do you want to be when you grow up?  Scientist

11. What are you really good at? Drawing

12. What are you not very good at?  Bumping rocks (Not sure what that means)

13. What did you do today? Drawing

14. What is your favorite food?  Everything except for lemon

15. What is your favorite song? ABC and 123 and itsy bitsy spider and twinkle twinkle little star

16. What do you want for your birthday this year? Two sets of big Lego battle bots from Target

17. What is your favorite animal? Dinosaurs (all of them)

18. What is love? Liking one people

19. What does daddy do for work? .Work

20. Where do you live? Maxine.

21. Where is your favorite place to go? The park, and Virginia, and Nana’s house.