A pile of neuroses

I have come to realized that my baseline is a constant state of worry.  Since having Bronwyn my anxieties have gotten worse.

I get stuck in these loops are terrible things that happen to children; the real life monsters lurking in the shadows.  I worry there will be a fire, and I won't be able to get to them.  And it's weird stuff that sets this off, putting Bertie's underwear away, seeing a picture of a smiling child.  And the less weird things that set it off, terrible stories, events, accidents.

Then there are the "normal" worries:

• Am I giving Bertram enough attention since baby came along?
• Is the baby getting enough interactive time with me?
• Do I hover too much in an effort to keep them safe?
• Am I doing enough with Bertram, intellectually?  I can't get him to write letters or draw, he only wants to draw "marble mazes," which are scribbles.
• Will I ever lose the baby weight (or even some of it)?
• Will I ever feel like having sex again?
• Why can't I make myself exercise?
• Why does Bertram wake up in the middle of the night (almost every night)?
• Will we ever be able to have a decent amount in our savings account?
• How can I make friends?
• Why does everyone else seem like they're having so much fun?
• Will I ever feel successful?
• Am I taking the time to do self care? (no.) How can I make time?
• Will I stopped feeling gypped by my experience with Bronwyn's birth?
• Will the house ever look un-exploded?
• Why doesn't Bronwyn poop very often?
• Why is my comfort zone so uncomfortable?
• How much of this can be attributed to PPD?  How much is just me?
• Does anyone ever feel "good enough"?  If so, how?

Then there is envy.  I was thinking about an acquaintance from church, and how seemingly perfect things are for her. She and her husband own a beautiful house, their kids are well behaved, and speak two languages.  They can jet off for international travel without much saving.  The kids are in various private lessons.  She's beautiful, thin, and is always well dressed (even in yoga pants and a t-shirt. (How do people do that?) And I felt so jealous.  Then I felt like a shitty person for feeling jealous.  No one should begrudge anyone else's happiness.  Plus, I, of course, don't know what is going on inside her head.

Anyway, I just wanted to get it all out, in hopes I would feel a little better. But I don't.  I need to email my shrink.

(PS- Don't get too worried.  I'm not suicidal, or anything.  Just sad, and anxious).

Bertram interview (42.5 months)

1. What is something mommy always says to you? Blah

2. What makes you happy? Daddy

3. What makes you sad? When you walk past me

4. What makes you laugh? Tee-tee.  All the things you just said (tv? Books? Daddy?)

5. How old are you? Three and a half

6. How old is Mommy? 9

7. How old is Daddy? 3

8. What is your favorite thing to do? Laugh! Haha!

9. Who is your best friend? Kaylee! (his cousin)

10. What do you want to be when you grow up? A person, or something.  I don’t know.

11. What are you really good at? (Shows me he can open the fridge and freezer)

12. What are you not very good at? Dancing, 'cause I keep falling down

13. What did you do today? Hurt myself. Walked funny.

14. What is your favorite food? Macaroni and spaghetti!

15. What is your favorite song? ABC and 123 and the itsy bitsy spider

16. What do you want for your birthday this year? Get lots of presents. And I’ll open them all up.  And I’ll need Kaylee’s help.

17. What is your favorite animal? Penguin!

 18. What is love? Kiss!

19. What does daddy do for work? He goes to work, to work.

20. Where do you live? (says address correctly) Sacramento California (We don't live in Sacramento)

21. Where is your favorite place to go? My swimming lessons, when my teacher wasn’t there

Another Catch-up

I really should remember to blog more often. Time just gets away, I guess.

My tooth is completely done.  I got my real crown a couple weeks ago.  The EoB came in the mail today.  It looks like it's going to cost a lot less than was estimated, but I'm waiting for a call back from their office.

After waffling for a while, I finally got our tickets to go to Virginia.  There is a new thing called Basic Economy (aka garbage flying).  You pay $400 for a ticket, but you can't have a carry on and you can't choose your seat.  I accidentally bought these tickets to start with.  I'm not sure why they would let someone flying with a 3 year old book those to begin with, as it specifically says families won't be seated together.  It seems like the the top 4 airlines reporting billions in profits, one wouldn't have to pay $400+ and then another $25 for the suitcases to fly too.  Grumble.  Anyway, that got sorted out, but airlines are lame.

Bronwyn is getting better at sleeping.  Not great, but improved.  Most nights she starts out in her own bed.  But usually after a night feeding, I'm too tired to put her back. 

The elimination diet seems to be going well.  So far I've added wheat and dairy back.  She had no issues with dairy, wheat is still questionable.  I added wheat in about 5 days ago.  Her tummy hasn't been more upset, but she seems more grumpy than usual.

Bertram has been acting out more.  I'm going to look into a class through Kaiser to see if we can get some ideas.  Nothing seems to work.

Bertie had a dentist appointment today (his second ever).  He did really well at his first one, but today wasn't great.  He wouldn't let them do much of anything.  But his teeth look fine, and his 3 year molars came in at some point in the last 6 months.  Who knew? 
Bertram also went fishing for the first time today.  He went with his dad and papa.  They didn't catch any fish, but he seemed to have fun, and also enjoyed throwing rocks.

There are a bunch of fires 80 miles north of us, but the air here is terrible.  I wanted to take the kids for a walk, but I didn't want them in the crummy air any longer than necessary.  Maybe tomorrow will be better. 

Here are pictures from the last month:

Bronwyn's first ER visit.  She was fine, but she had a high fever (which disappeared when we arrived)

 

We went to Happy Hallow one day.  They both had fun.

Bertie helping with Bronwyn's 2 month pictures

Grumpy girl

Despite being difficult, he is also incredibly sweet.

He got a haircut

Brony got this cute outfit.

Bertram's Halloween costume, that he changed his mind about as soon as it arrived. (He's not getting a different costume)

We officially have a thumbsucker.

Quick catch up

I'm done with my root canal for now.  I go back to get my crown next week.

Something I've been eating has been bothering Bronwyn's tummy.  About a week and a half ago, I started an elimination diet.  This means no: wheat, corn, soy, eggs, dairy, peanuts, or treenuts.  It is challenging to find packaged foods I can eat (and also not spend a fortune).  I've been doing rice krispies or chex for brekkie.  Oatmeal would be ok, but I haven't been in an oatmeal mood lately.  I've been drinking coconut or flax milk (the flax is better than the coconut).  I found some rye flour and rye crackers, sunflower butter, sesame crackers, rice cakes, most meats, rice and veg.  I've tried a few allergen free dessert recipes, with mixed success.  It is difficult to find food without soy and corn.  Corn syrup is in EVERYTHING.  Anyway, it's miserable, and sad.  And it seems to be upsetting my tummy some.  But she seems to be improving, slowing.

Bronwyn hasn't been sleeping well.  She doesn't sleep in her own bed, at all.  And this whole week, the earliest I've been able to get her to sleep is 2am (that was only one night, it was after 3 the other two).  So I'm exhausted and she's a grump.

That's all I can think of for now.  I'm a little brain dead.

The good and the bad.

Things are looking up from my last post.  I've healed without issue (4 weeks post partum tomorrow).

Bronwyn is still not a great sleeper, unless she is at the boob or being held.  Thus far, her crib and bassinet have been mostly unused.  She is a good nurser, and I'm able to pump quite a bit now.  I'm slowly building up a surplus.

Last week we went to the beach, the four of us.  It was a beautiful day.  We saw whales and an otter.  I made Bronwyn a little tent and she slept the whole time.  Bertie played in the ocean (a first for him).  We all were wet and sandy, but only Bertie had a change of clothes.  We went and got ice cream before going home.  A good time was had by all.  Both the kids slept on the way home.

Last week my jaw started hurting.  I saw a doctor on Saturday (hoping that a sinus infection was causing the pain).  It wasn't.  When Sunday came, I was in terrible pain.  Aaron called an emergency dentist and I went in on Sunday afternoon.  She said it looked like there was a cavity under the filling, and to see my regular dentist.  But she gave me a short Rx for Norco.  That helped quite a bit.  On Monday I went to see my normal dentist.  He did another xray, and said I needed a root canal.  That was not what I wanted to hear.  I was scheduled to see the endodontist today.  I was very nervous, I'm not good with dental stuff and I'm a very anxious patient.  I sat in the chair crying, and the dentist was very patient with me.  And, of course, after the first injection it didn't hurt at all.  Now my medicine is worn off, and it's hurting a bit again.  But not nearly as much as it was.  I need to go back next week to finish it.  Then eventually to my regular guy will put a crown in it.

Aaron's paternity leave is half over tomorrow.  :-(

A whiny TMI kind of post

I am three days post-partum and everything hurts.

I expected different.  All the accounts I'd heard of unmedicated birth made it sound super awesome.  You feel great afterwards, you really get to bond with your baby, It's so much less painful than a c-section, etc.  I don't feel that way.  Maybe I'm a bigger wimp (than most people) when it comes to pain, but I did not feel great afterwards.  Everything hurt so much.  I needed stitches, that was painful, plus there was a lot of pressure (I'm not sure from what) which was also painful.  Bronwyn had to be checked for meconium, so I didn't get the super long bonding time.  And, really, I just felt so gross after, I was dripping with sweat, there was a lot of blood, amniotic fluid and whatever else (poop? no clue, but I wouldn't be surprised). I would have loved to hop up and shower, but I couldn't do that right away either.
I guess I'm not cut out to be a natural birth person.

Now, three days later, I don't feel like any of the pain has improved.  Everything downstairs still hurts, and I'm a little concerned that I've torn a stitch.  I was really concerned about having to poop, since everything is so painful.  But that finally happened today, and wasn't too bad.  But walking, moving, scooting in a seat, getting in and out of bed, it all hurts.  A little like I'm falling apart.  To top it off, breastfeeding isn't going as well as last time.  We went to the newborn clinic today, and she's lost more weight, she's at 9%, since birth.  They weighed her before and after nursing, and she didn't get much.  My milk isn't really in yet, isn't still more colostrum-y, so there isn't a lot.  (I've pumped a couple times, and gotten less than an ounce both times (when pumped from both sides)),  We're going back to clinic tomorrow to try again.  But we may need to supplement with formula til my milk comes in more.  I'm not too concerned about this. Lord knows, my nipples would welcome the break.  But I'm concerned that my supply might always be low.  So I don't know.  I do know I feel terrible now, because I dread when she wakes up, because she needs to eat, and it hurts so much.  They looked at her latch, and said it was fine, so I assume it's because my nipples haven't toughened yet.  But to not be able to feed your kid adequately and be in terrible pain at the same time is a double whammy.

And I know this too shall pass.  And in a week or so, everything will likely be much improved.  But this is where I am, today.

She is here!

At 39 weeks and 2 days Bronwyn Alice came charging into the world.

The whole pregnancy, I had assumed she would be early.  Bertram was nearly a month early.  I heard that second babies often come earlier than the first.  So I waited and waited.  I had some random contractions/ Braxton-Hicks for the last three weeks.  I kept watching to the mucus plug, a bloody show, anything that would tell me the time was near, but nothing happened.

So, since she wasn't going to be early, I started counting down til my mom arrived.  I really wanted her to be there, especially since Aaron really isn't comfortable around blood, and my mom worked as a nurse for 35+ years.  So last night around 9, my mom arrived.

I woke up around 2 or 2:30 this morning, from a contraction.  Not a very strong, or painful one,   So I laid around for a while, and had a few more.  Aaron woke up and suggested I time them, which didn't occur to me, for some reason.  I think because they seemed irregular.  After an hour of timing, they were 4 minutes apart, lasting a minute each.  (In the birthing class, the teacher said for second babies follow 7-1-1 (7 minutes apart, lasting one minute, for at least an hour)).  I called L&D, they asked how I was feeling.  I said the contractions weren't too bad.  The said to drink 2 big glasses of water and take an hour-long shower, then lay down.  I drank, and lasted 40 minutes in the shower, and then laid down.  It was probably almost 6 at this point, and the contractions were getting worse.  Aaron said, we'll we probably need to get ready to go.  Mom asked if she had time to shower.  I said sure, it seemed like there was a lot of time still.  Aaron's folks came over to stay with Bertie at 6:45, and we took off for Kaiser.

The contractions were getting worse.  We got to Kaiser a little before 7.  Aaron dropped off my mom and me and went to park.  We walked in, and then I was on the floor on all fours in front of the elevator.  An orderly asked if I needed a wheelchair, I said no.  Then he asked again, and I said "well, I won't be a hero."  I got wheeled up for floor 5, crying and grunting the whole way.

We got to the desk, and the nurse said "what can we do for you today?"  I said "I'm having a baby."

I got a room, got changed, was feeling "pushy".  The midwife came in, and checked me.  I was expecting to be a 5 or 6.  Then she said the words that filled me with dread: "Alright, you're dialated to 9cm! So you can start pushing when you're ready."  I said "but can I still have an epidural?"  (I already knew the answer, but I asked anyway).  She said it was too late, that if she broke my water, baby would come quickly.  I was in a lot of pain.  So I asked for NO2, as it was supposed to help.  (Spoiler alert: it didn't).  I used it some, but gave up quickly, because I couldn't feel a difference.  I also was worried about GBS, since i was positive,  I knew I needed the antibiotics.  They hooked it up, but I didn't get much before everything was over with.

I was writhing around on the bed, crying, groaning, and making all sorts of embarrassing sounds.  Then my water broke.  But not just broke, like exploded across the room, all over the midwife, and the other nurse.  I was also so sweaty.  The iv tape wouldn't stick to my skin.

I was still screaming, crying and groaning (and probably other sounds).  The nurses and Dr (who came in after I drenched the midwife), took the bed apart, and had me curl up to push.  To be honest, it was terrible, and I wouldn't recommend it.  Epidurals are so nice.  And I will be the first to admit I am no badass.  It felt like I was pushing for a long time.  It was probably 10-15 minutes total, maybe less.  At one point the Dr said the head was halfway out, and I think I said "pull her out!", which of course, didn't happen.  My legs wouldn't stop trembling, which meant, I couldn't curl up to push very well.  I know I said at least once that I couldn't do it (which is something I swore I'd never say while giving birth). Her head came out, so I assumed the pain was done (since that's presumably the hardest part). But the rest hurt too.  Also, I had my eyes close almost the whole time, not sure why).

At 7:35am Bronwyn was here.  6lbs12oz, 18 inches long.  Fairly small, but almost 1.5 lbs more than Bertie.  She was waxy, and not crying too much, and didn't have a cone-head.

The placenta hurt some too.  I had a 2nd degree tear, and I may have gotten cut before hand, I'm not sure.  The stitching hurt, I got a lot of lidocane, and an injection of Fentanyl.  But it hurt.  And baby was over having her weight, and getting checked out (there was some slight mecronium staining.

Then I got her back, and she immediately started rooting, and latched quickly and well.

My dad, Aaron's folks and Bertram came to met her.

Bronwyn ordered a MatchBox car garage for Bertie.  He was really thrilled.  And he was excited to hold her.

She had and passed her hearing test.

All in all, a pretty good day.  She's nursed a bunch, has pooped 3 times and peed twice.  And, unless something odd comes up, we'll be going home tomorrow.

I'm still in a decent amount of pain, but it's not bad, considering that all I've had is Tylenol and Motrin.