I have a bad memory

I want to write all about our trip to Virginia, but I don't have my daily journal in front of me, so I probably won't remember enough details.

The flight out was good.  The kids both did very well.  We only had 55 minutes to make our connection in Chicago (well, less.  It was 55 minutes til the next plane left).  So I had to hustle Bertie across the airport.  We had a long way between gates.  The second flight was pretty bumpy.  And of course, on that one, he needed to go to the bathroom 3 times.  (Three times in 2 hours.)  I felt bad for him though.  He really needed to poop.  And it was when it was bumpy and the flight attendant was serving drinks.  I push the call button, and she moved for us, but it was just a little too late (just a skid mark, but he never has accidents). 

My mom has a port-a-crib for Bronwyn (in the room where I was sleeping) and a twin bed for Bertram.  Bronwyn slept well overall, especially after I moved her crib into the walk in closet.  She was sleeping for 8-9 hours a night!  Bertram did so-so.  Every night at bed time, he would start a chorus of "I want to go home".  He was really sad, and I felt very sad for him.  We gave him melatonin most nights, to help him settle.  Once he was asleep, he did fairly well.  But he did wake up early quite a bit.

While we were there, I started and stopped eating wheat.  It seems to be what is upsetting Bron.  She gets rashy and gassy.  (Being wheat free is really annoying.)  So I found different gluten-free things to eat.

The weather was dreary for most of the trip.  Drizzle, rain, and a lot of cold.  So we didn't get outside as much as I would have liked.  Usually we do a lot of walking, but hardly did any this time.

We got to see my Nanny a couple of times, and two of my aunts.  We did a fair amount of shopping.  I got to hang out with my sister a lot, and see her new house(I can't believe my little sister is a homeowner).

Aaron flew out after a week to hang out too.  We took Bertram to the trampoline park one day.  I am very out of shape.  He had fun, but he's still not jumping. 

The flights home were fine.  We had to get up at 4am, but other than that there were no issues.  Both kids did fairly well.  Bertie slept for an hour or 2.  He had a small melt down, but he's 3 and a half, and sitting still that long is no fun.

Since we've been home, his sleep patterns haven't been very good.  He's very tired and will be asleep by 8 every night, but he'll wake up between 5-6 and not go back to sleep.  Then he is really tired throughout the day, but won't nap.  And then is a really grump.  Hopefully, he'll get back into the rhythm soon.

Bronwyn is 4 months old today.  She is sleeping 7-9 hours at night, and naps throughout the day (not really on any schedule yet).  She rolls over both ways.  She likes sitting in the bumbo seat, and holds her head up well.  She pushes up onto her arms when laying on her tummy.  She loves smiling.  She doesn't laugh much (only Rebecca has made her laugh so far).  She doesn't vocalize much either.  She loves sucking on her fingers, or thumb.  Her eyes are starting to become a grey/brown/green.  I think she looks more like me, at least for now.  She is still a great nurser.  And I'll probably wait until 6 months to start introducing food (unless she really shows interest earlier).

Bertram has gotten really interested in maps.  He loves geography.  He can name all the states and most (or all) the capitals.  He knows some of the countries/continents, and oceans.  He also likes the solar system.  He knows all the planets, some of the moons, and some dwarf planets.  He knows a lot of sight words, but isn't sounding out words yet.  He watches a lot of youtube videos about these subjects.  He likes Phineas and Ferb, SpongeBob, and Teen Titans Go.  (Though, we really only watch Phineas and Ferb regularly).  He loves reading, and we go to the library every two or three weeks.  He still can't really say "S" sounds.  (Mississippi sound like Mi-i-i-ppi).  He likes a lot of different foods, lately he's been into cheeseburgers and peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.  He loves Bronwyn, and being a big brother.

I have to say, as hard as it is sometimes, I really love being these kids mom.  I think about a third sometimes (already).  And, I'd love to have another.  But I think two might be our number.  Our house is fairly small, and there is a lot of expense that comes with a third (bigger car, traveling gets harder and costlier).  Plus, I worry about Bronwyn becoming a middle child.  As a middle child, I can say it's not a great place in the birth order.  However, I love my little sister, and can't imagine how things would be without her.  It's still up in the air, and there is time to decide.  But that's where I'm at currently. 

Waiting to get on the plane

Rebecca loves baby snuggles

Blurry, fashion baby

Bertram and Rami

The night no kids wanted to sleep

Bertram and Nana

Reading

Four generations (all ladies)

Four generations

Bronwyn's fuzzy head

Bertie fell asleep across my lap, and Bron was nursing

Another cute outfit

I love them.

A pile of neuroses

I have come to realized that my baseline is a constant state of worry.  Since having Bronwyn my anxieties have gotten worse.

I get stuck in these loops are terrible things that happen to children; the real life monsters lurking in the shadows.  I worry there will be a fire, and I won't be able to get to them.  And it's weird stuff that sets this off, putting Bertie's underwear away, seeing a picture of a smiling child.  And the less weird things that set it off, terrible stories, events, accidents.

Then there are the "normal" worries:

• Am I giving Bertram enough attention since baby came along?
• Is the baby getting enough interactive time with me?
• Do I hover too much in an effort to keep them safe?
• Am I doing enough with Bertram, intellectually?  I can't get him to write letters or draw, he only wants to draw "marble mazes," which are scribbles.
• Will I ever lose the baby weight (or even some of it)?
• Will I ever feel like having sex again?
• Why can't I make myself exercise?
• Why does Bertram wake up in the middle of the night (almost every night)?
• Will we ever be able to have a decent amount in our savings account?
• How can I make friends?
• Why does everyone else seem like they're having so much fun?
• Will I ever feel successful?
• Am I taking the time to do self care? (no.) How can I make time?
• Will I stopped feeling gypped by my experience with Bronwyn's birth?
• Will the house ever look un-exploded?
• Why doesn't Bronwyn poop very often?
• Why is my comfort zone so uncomfortable?
• How much of this can be attributed to PPD?  How much is just me?
• Does anyone ever feel "good enough"?  If so, how?

Then there is envy.  I was thinking about an acquaintance from church, and how seemingly perfect things are for her. She and her husband own a beautiful house, their kids are well behaved, and speak two languages.  They can jet off for international travel without much saving.  The kids are in various private lessons.  She's beautiful, thin, and is always well dressed (even in yoga pants and a t-shirt. (How do people do that?) And I felt so jealous.  Then I felt like a shitty person for feeling jealous.  No one should begrudge anyone else's happiness.  Plus, I, of course, don't know what is going on inside her head.

Anyway, I just wanted to get it all out, in hopes I would feel a little better. But I don't.  I need to email my shrink.

(PS- Don't get too worried.  I'm not suicidal, or anything.  Just sad, and anxious).

Bertram interview (42.5 months)

1. What is something mommy always says to you? Blah

2. What makes you happy? Daddy

3. What makes you sad? When you walk past me

4. What makes you laugh? Tee-tee.  All the things you just said (tv? Books? Daddy?)

5. How old are you? Three and a half

6. How old is Mommy? 9

7. How old is Daddy? 3

8. What is your favorite thing to do? Laugh! Haha!

9. Who is your best friend? Kaylee! (his cousin)

10. What do you want to be when you grow up? A person, or something.  I don’t know.

11. What are you really good at? (Shows me he can open the fridge and freezer)

12. What are you not very good at? Dancing, 'cause I keep falling down

13. What did you do today? Hurt myself. Walked funny.

14. What is your favorite food? Macaroni and spaghetti!

15. What is your favorite song? ABC and 123 and the itsy bitsy spider

16. What do you want for your birthday this year? Get lots of presents. And I’ll open them all up.  And I’ll need Kaylee’s help.

17. What is your favorite animal? Penguin!

 18. What is love? Kiss!

19. What does daddy do for work? He goes to work, to work.

20. Where do you live? (says address correctly) Sacramento California (We don't live in Sacramento)

21. Where is your favorite place to go? My swimming lessons, when my teacher wasn’t there

Another Catch-up

I really should remember to blog more often. Time just gets away, I guess.

My tooth is completely done.  I got my real crown a couple weeks ago.  The EoB came in the mail today.  It looks like it's going to cost a lot less than was estimated, but I'm waiting for a call back from their office.

After waffling for a while, I finally got our tickets to go to Virginia.  There is a new thing called Basic Economy (aka garbage flying).  You pay $400 for a ticket, but you can't have a carry on and you can't choose your seat.  I accidentally bought these tickets to start with.  I'm not sure why they would let someone flying with a 3 year old book those to begin with, as it specifically says families won't be seated together.  It seems like the the top 4 airlines reporting billions in profits, one wouldn't have to pay $400+ and then another $25 for the suitcases to fly too.  Grumble.  Anyway, that got sorted out, but airlines are lame.

Bronwyn is getting better at sleeping.  Not great, but improved.  Most nights she starts out in her own bed.  But usually after a night feeding, I'm too tired to put her back. 

The elimination diet seems to be going well.  So far I've added wheat and dairy back.  She had no issues with dairy, wheat is still questionable.  I added wheat in about 5 days ago.  Her tummy hasn't been more upset, but she seems more grumpy than usual.

Bertram has been acting out more.  I'm going to look into a class through Kaiser to see if we can get some ideas.  Nothing seems to work.

Bertie had a dentist appointment today (his second ever).  He did really well at his first one, but today wasn't great.  He wouldn't let them do much of anything.  But his teeth look fine, and his 3 year molars came in at some point in the last 6 months.  Who knew? 
Bertram also went fishing for the first time today.  He went with his dad and papa.  They didn't catch any fish, but he seemed to have fun, and also enjoyed throwing rocks.

There are a bunch of fires 80 miles north of us, but the air here is terrible.  I wanted to take the kids for a walk, but I didn't want them in the crummy air any longer than necessary.  Maybe tomorrow will be better. 

Here are pictures from the last month:

Bronwyn's first ER visit.  She was fine, but she had a high fever (which disappeared when we arrived)

 

We went to Happy Hallow one day.  They both had fun.

Bertie helping with Bronwyn's 2 month pictures

Grumpy girl

Despite being difficult, he is also incredibly sweet.

He got a haircut

Brony got this cute outfit.

Bertram's Halloween costume, that he changed his mind about as soon as it arrived. (He's not getting a different costume)

We officially have a thumbsucker.

Quick catch up

I'm done with my root canal for now.  I go back to get my crown next week.

Something I've been eating has been bothering Bronwyn's tummy.  About a week and a half ago, I started an elimination diet.  This means no: wheat, corn, soy, eggs, dairy, peanuts, or treenuts.  It is challenging to find packaged foods I can eat (and also not spend a fortune).  I've been doing rice krispies or chex for brekkie.  Oatmeal would be ok, but I haven't been in an oatmeal mood lately.  I've been drinking coconut or flax milk (the flax is better than the coconut).  I found some rye flour and rye crackers, sunflower butter, sesame crackers, rice cakes, most meats, rice and veg.  I've tried a few allergen free dessert recipes, with mixed success.  It is difficult to find food without soy and corn.  Corn syrup is in EVERYTHING.  Anyway, it's miserable, and sad.  And it seems to be upsetting my tummy some.  But she seems to be improving, slowing.

Bronwyn hasn't been sleeping well.  She doesn't sleep in her own bed, at all.  And this whole week, the earliest I've been able to get her to sleep is 2am (that was only one night, it was after 3 the other two).  So I'm exhausted and she's a grump.

That's all I can think of for now.  I'm a little brain dead.

The good and the bad.

Things are looking up from my last post.  I've healed without issue (4 weeks post partum tomorrow).

Bronwyn is still not a great sleeper, unless she is at the boob or being held.  Thus far, her crib and bassinet have been mostly unused.  She is a good nurser, and I'm able to pump quite a bit now.  I'm slowly building up a surplus.

Last week we went to the beach, the four of us.  It was a beautiful day.  We saw whales and an otter.  I made Bronwyn a little tent and she slept the whole time.  Bertie played in the ocean (a first for him).  We all were wet and sandy, but only Bertie had a change of clothes.  We went and got ice cream before going home.  A good time was had by all.  Both the kids slept on the way home.

Last week my jaw started hurting.  I saw a doctor on Saturday (hoping that a sinus infection was causing the pain).  It wasn't.  When Sunday came, I was in terrible pain.  Aaron called an emergency dentist and I went in on Sunday afternoon.  She said it looked like there was a cavity under the filling, and to see my regular dentist.  But she gave me a short Rx for Norco.  That helped quite a bit.  On Monday I went to see my normal dentist.  He did another xray, and said I needed a root canal.  That was not what I wanted to hear.  I was scheduled to see the endodontist today.  I was very nervous, I'm not good with dental stuff and I'm a very anxious patient.  I sat in the chair crying, and the dentist was very patient with me.  And, of course, after the first injection it didn't hurt at all.  Now my medicine is worn off, and it's hurting a bit again.  But not nearly as much as it was.  I need to go back next week to finish it.  Then eventually to my regular guy will put a crown in it.

Aaron's paternity leave is half over tomorrow.  :-(

A whiny TMI kind of post

I am three days post-partum and everything hurts.

I expected different.  All the accounts I'd heard of unmedicated birth made it sound super awesome.  You feel great afterwards, you really get to bond with your baby, It's so much less painful than a c-section, etc.  I don't feel that way.  Maybe I'm a bigger wimp (than most people) when it comes to pain, but I did not feel great afterwards.  Everything hurt so much.  I needed stitches, that was painful, plus there was a lot of pressure (I'm not sure from what) which was also painful.  Bronwyn had to be checked for meconium, so I didn't get the super long bonding time.  And, really, I just felt so gross after, I was dripping with sweat, there was a lot of blood, amniotic fluid and whatever else (poop? no clue, but I wouldn't be surprised). I would have loved to hop up and shower, but I couldn't do that right away either.
I guess I'm not cut out to be a natural birth person.

Now, three days later, I don't feel like any of the pain has improved.  Everything downstairs still hurts, and I'm a little concerned that I've torn a stitch.  I was really concerned about having to poop, since everything is so painful.  But that finally happened today, and wasn't too bad.  But walking, moving, scooting in a seat, getting in and out of bed, it all hurts.  A little like I'm falling apart.  To top it off, breastfeeding isn't going as well as last time.  We went to the newborn clinic today, and she's lost more weight, she's at 9%, since birth.  They weighed her before and after nursing, and she didn't get much.  My milk isn't really in yet, isn't still more colostrum-y, so there isn't a lot.  (I've pumped a couple times, and gotten less than an ounce both times (when pumped from both sides)),  We're going back to clinic tomorrow to try again.  But we may need to supplement with formula til my milk comes in more.  I'm not too concerned about this. Lord knows, my nipples would welcome the break.  But I'm concerned that my supply might always be low.  So I don't know.  I do know I feel terrible now, because I dread when she wakes up, because she needs to eat, and it hurts so much.  They looked at her latch, and said it was fine, so I assume it's because my nipples haven't toughened yet.  But to not be able to feed your kid adequately and be in terrible pain at the same time is a double whammy.

And I know this too shall pass.  And in a week or so, everything will likely be much improved.  But this is where I am, today.