June

My second try at the root canal went much better.  Whatever that numbing stuff was worked well.  I go back in a few weeks to do step two (hopefully finish it before the crown gets put on).

Bronwyn is pulling up and cruising on all the furniture.  She likes to walk holding onto our hands.  She says "more", "dada" and "mama".  She has finally started crawling normally most of the time (instead of the army crawl).

The kids have been a little rough on me lately.  Bronwyn has been extra grumpy, which I think (hope) has to do with teething.  She has not wanted to nap, and sleeping at night has been a little rough too.  I'm not sure what is going on with Bertram, but he gets into these meltdowns.  I tell him to clean up and he can't do it.  It's just impossible.  He'll scream "I can't do it". So I'll send him to his room for quiet time.  Sometimes he'll calm down, sometimes he won't.  I've been trying to help him add words to his emotions, so I can help him.  But thus far, it's not helping.  Today they were both at their worst at the same time.  He's been doing a lot of back talk too.  I take away privileges (tablet and tv) or use time outs or quiet time.  Maybe it's normal for 4 year olds.  But I guess we'll just muddle through.

Brianon mentioned the loneliness of being a stay at home mom in her blog.  It's been on my mind lately.  It's a tough dichotomy for me.  Because social anxiety makes me want to be on my own a lot, but I also want to have some friends.  I feel like I don't really have any close (local) friends anymore.  Maybe that's typical of SAHMs?  I don't think my mom had a lot of close friends when we were young.  I'd like to go to the park group with the other SAHMs from church, but Bronwyn is always napping when they meet.  Maybe it's another thing that just needs to be muddled through?  How does one make friends as an adult?

Church is kind of tough too.  I don't feel like I belong there.  Like I'm not good enough, or the same enough.  Plus, I've lost my testimony, pretty much entirely.  And the more I try to work on it (doing all the textbook things: reading scriptures, studying, praying etc), the further away I feel.  Maybe it's not where I'm supposed to be.  Is there a time when you throw in the towel?  I guess it doesn't matter too much, I'll still be doing the same things. 

Well, this has been a kind of depressing post.  I guess I've been a little down lately.

Somehow it's May

We went to the low cost preschool thing.  I have a few reservations.  I was really hoping to have him do 2-3 days a week.  But the only options were full days or part days Monday-Friday.  He's currently signed up for 12:30-3:30 M-F.  The other issue is that he can only have 10 absences for the whole school year.  We already have a week-long trip planned for September, and I was going to stay a little longer than that with the kids.  A couple other issues I have is that the preschool is in a not great area, and I'm anxious about letting him go to strangers.  I know that is somewhat silly, since he will have to go to school at some point, but I am a nervous person.  We're going to go and tour it in July, and see what kind of vibe we get.  If I don't feel good about it, then we will withdraw him.

My sister Jessica is visiting, so we've gone on a few day trips with her and my dad: Monterey Bay Aquarium, Golden Gate Park (twice), Santa Cruz and the Oakland Zoo.  On the trip to Monterey I left Bertram's tablet on the roof of the car.  We retraced our drive when we got home, and there were no signs of it (smooshed or otherwise).  I was so aggravated that I'd done that.  My mom was nice enough to order him a new one.

I went to the dentist a few days ago.  I needed a crown and filling.  But when the dentist looked at the tooth needing the crown, he saw it needed a root canal (then a crown).  I wasn't too concerned, I had a root canal last year (at the endodontist), I had no pain and he did a great job.  This time, I had a lot of pain.  I had 2 or 3 doses of Novocaine before he even started.  Every time he started working it hurt.  I started crying after a bit, because it hurt, and I just couldn't get numb.  The dentist said there was a nuclear numbing option, where I would definitely get numb, or he could give me some antibiotics and we can do it all again in 2 weeks.  I thought about just trying to press through, but I was so stressed I said let's wait.  It was a rough day.  

I've been thinking about a 3rd (last) baby.  We're both unsure.  I would love to have another but a few things are giving me pause.  I don't want Bronwyn to become the middle child (as it sucks).  The kids will have to share a room.  We'll have to get a minivan (or suv).  (Though, we'll likely have to do that anyway.  So we have room to drive the kids, their friends, our family, etc).  Cost of everything (except insurance) will go up.  Plus I was really anxious during my pregnancy with Bron.  We have some time to figure it out, but not too long, I'm going to be 35 with year.

The kids are doing well.  Bertram is reading a lot.  We going to the library every week or so. He's been very into Planet Putty and Galaxy Goo lately.  They are just slime, in different colours.  But it's space related, so he gets very excited.  We have all the planet putty, but only 2 galaxy goo so far.  He loves art projects, especially painting.  He's been practicing using scissors.  I've been giving him a few chores.  He is so good with Bronwyn, and she just loves him.
Bronwyn is army crawling everywhere.  She's starting to pull up a little, and wave.  She may say "more" but I'm not sure yet.  She loves most food, she is still a good nurser. 

There is probably something else I'm forgetting, but that's all I have for now.

Quick blog

This will likely be short, as I'm typing on my phone. Things are going pretty well. I feel like the cymbalta is working well. So much so, that a few days it's been like I don't actually have depression.
We went to the Legion of Honor with my dad (the kids and I). It was a good time. The last few times Bertram wasn't good company. I wised up and brought his tablet, and Bron rode in the backpack. They did very well, and I had a good time.
Bertram has been riding his scooter more, he's starting to get the hang of it. And he's wearing his helmet (bonus!) He had his second PT visit. The therapist was very happy with his progress.
And next week we're going to an open house for a low/no cost preschool (that we actually qualify for). The campuses aren't super close, but they're only about 15 minutes away. So hopefully we'll like it, and there is an opening for him.
 Brony is still a happy little thing. She has her 9 month appointment next week. I think she's on schedule for most of the milestones, but I'll find out next week.

The dawn

I think the Cymbalta is starting to work.  Just in the last 3 or 4 days, it feels like the darkness is lift.  When I have a moment to myself, I don't automatically feel sad.  Some joy is sneaking in.  I do have a couple annoying side effects.  Dry mouth, I'm thirsty all the time.  And sweating, which is worse.  I'll be out doing things, and just be dripping in sweat, for no reason.  

I took the kids (mostly just Bertram) bowling on Monday.  It wasn't super warm inside, and I wasn't working hard, but I was embarrassing sweaty.  Aside from that it was pretty fun.  I paid for 90 minutes.  It was $5.50 per game (per person) or $9.95 for 90 minutes (per person).  I figured the timed rate would be better, that way, if he wanted to keep bowling after two games we could.  (Last time we went bowling, which was at least 9 months ago, we did two games, and he wanted to keep playing).  He did pretty well, and we had fun.  Bronwyn sat patiently, for most of the time.  

For the last week, we've had a lot of rain.  We need it, but I don't really like it, it makes us a little cooped up.Yesterday, there was only a 20% chance of rain, and it was sunny.  So we all walked to the donut shop (about a mile away).  Except it started raining about halfway there.  The kids were in the stroller, so they stayed fairly dry.  Aaron and I were fairly wet.

Bronwyn has slept well a couple nights, like 8 or 9 hours straight.  Then last night, she didn't want to sleep at all.  She has mastered sitting.  And she has started army crawling.  She has been trying new foods.  I haven't been following the way your supposed to do it.  She's been getting table food, and various baby food.  She's liked most things.  Plain yogurt, waffles, eggs, bread, chicken.  She is not a huge fan of baby food peas, but likes cooked peas (like really soft, from a soup).  

Another month later

So after a short stay with Effexor, I've moved onto Cymbalta.  It's only been a week or so. 

I'm getting really tired of depression.  It's really annoying to be at the mall, or reading to the kids, or driving and suddenly feel like breaking down.  Doing something fun, and wanting to break.  Then, when you are alone and can cry, nothing happens.  It's like my emotions are completely broken.  And my sex drive is completely gone.  Poor Aaron.  It's just kind of shitty all around.

My mom was out here for 3 weeks for Bertie's birthday.  It was so nice having her here, and it went way too fast.  Both kids loved having her here.  I'm not sure that Bertram ever stopped talking.  And Bron is just the most smiling, happiest kid around. 

We had Bertie's 4th birthday.  Just family, like always (or at least another year).  He wanted a PJ Masks party.  So we found decorations and balloons and all the usual things.  I made two cakes.  He originally told me he wanted a chocolate and strawberry cake.  I made one with chocolate frosting, and then he told me he wanted vanilla frosting.  So I made a second cake (which is just as well, since one probably wouldn't have been enough).  They both turned out well.  We had fruit, veggies and pizza.  Then he wanted to open gifts.  He got a lot of space stuff, books, and puzzles.  He was a happy guy.  We sang and all had cake.  The kids were playing with the star-shaped confetti, which I told them not to do while they ate.  I think Bertram must have set his fork down on one, because he started crying and gagging.  (God, it was so scary, I'm still upset over it).  I ran over and looked in his mouth, I couldn't see it.  He kept saying that it hurt, and would gag again.  I tried finger-sweeping him, with no success.  I called my mom to help.  She wasn't panicked like I was.  He gagged a few more times and out it came.  He gagged a little more and then cried and cried.  I held him and cried too.  I kept thinking, why did I put that stupid confetti there?  He got over it a lot quicker than I did.  (Since I'm still not).  But it didn't ruin his day, which is good.

He had his well check.  He is just about 50th% for height and weight.  He's still not jumping or peddling, so we're starting PT tomorrow.  And he sees the ophthalmologist on Monday to determine if he's colour blind.  I told him he wasn't getting any shots, because he was concerned.  The problem was, I didn't know he was getting boosters.  He was sad, and cried.  And I did my best not to cry, because, my emotions are out of whack. 

Anyway, on top of all the depression stuff, the kids are my sunshine.  I just think about how lucky I am to be their mom.

Bronwyn has tried a couple new foods: yam and apple sauce.  She likes both of those.  I think I'll stick with orange foods and try carrots and pumpkin next. 

But, today she threw up.  It was really worrisome, since Bertram has never thrown up (he barely ever spat up). I gave her rice cereal and apple sauce for brekkie, after nursing.  We went to the flea market, and she threw up there, bubbly, frothy and a little yellow (bile, I'd guess).  Then a few more times on the drive home. She was retching, and then she'd cry.  I felt so sad.  When we got home, I nursed her and after a bit she threw up again.  I let her rest for a bit.  She seemed tired, so I laid down with her, and nursed her to sleep.  Then she was ok.  Everything stayed down.  She does have a little fever, 99.9.  We'll see how she does tonight.

Grandma hasn't been feeling well either, which is always concerning, since she is 93.  She went to the hospital earlier this week for severe back pain.  She was really dehydrated, and she'd been mixing up her medication.  Then she ended up back in the ER today, because she was throwing up and had diarrhea.  We were concerned that she had the flu, since it's been so bad this year.  She was released and they said it was probably a virus.  I worry it may be withdrawal from pain meds (I think she had been taking more than she realized.  And after the first ER visit they said no more pain meds). 

A month later

Another month has gone by, I should be more consistent.

I switched my antidepressant from Celexa to Effexor.  It's still pretty new, but it seems to be working alright.  I also restarted Humira, which is annoying.

Bronwyn is getting closer to crawling.  She is getting up on all fours, but only briefly.  She had her 6 month check up.  She is a tiny thing: 13.4 lbs, which is 6th %ile, and 25.75" long, which is 24th %ile.  I guess we just make little babies.  We've started some solid food, but she's not too interested.  She's tried rice cereal, avocado, and peas.  She tolerates the cereal but doesn't like much else.  She is working on her first tooth, but nothing has come through yet.  She loves to chew and drool.  But hasn't been sleeping well as a result.

My sister was here for a week to visit.  That was fun, but sad when she had to leave.  But my mom will be here in a few weeks.

I've started working on the taxes, but we're still missing Aaron's student loan stuff.  So far it looks pretty good.